that is encouraging, Rottz. I've never know H to be insincere, but then, I would have thought he's have tried harder to get through to me before having an A, too....
thanks Betsey for the hug and the support, actually brought tears to my eyes. I don't feel that our children's challenges are an excuse for the sitch we find ourselves in now, and I don't think my H would say that either. I do firmly believe, with the advantage of 20/20 hindsight, that we allowed those challenges to divert our focus from putting our relationship as high on the priority list as it should have been. That disorder of priorities contributed to our growing apart emotionally. I think mndad's post from "friend who is a marriage counselor/psychologist" described it well as a "circle in the sand" (boundaries)... My H did say once in one of our heated R discussions "you've been a great mom to the kids, no complaints there", which I found touching and gratifying but also kind of reinforced that I should have been looking a little higher/further. Anyway, doing a decent job of being a parent is really tough, and my hats off to everybody who goes at it with "gusto", especially those who have children with extra challenges. so, ((((((((hugs)))))))right back to you my friend! Deb
Just checking out on you. SInce we are at a similar stage right now, I have something for you which may be useful. Maybe, dunno. My H has been opening up to me, he is finally stating his point of view and what he is feeling but its the cold hard truth for me.
Check it out on my thread.
See ya.
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
thanks BnB, for checking me out & the info. I'm headed over to check out what's up w/you....I can use all the tips I can get....everything still seems so weird to me on this roller coaster.
Quote: that is encouraging, Rottz. I've never know H to be insincere, but then, I would have thought he's have tried harder to get through to me before having an A, too....
You know, I thought the exact same thing. My H is sincere, honest, caring, loving, sensitive. I was TOTALLY blindsided by his actions and inability to "get through to me." Only after the bomb, and after speaking to his mom and to him, did I finally realize that he has a hard time even knowing how to put his emotions into words. I fully blame his having turned to an EA on his inability to function in that respect. I know for a fact that if he had told me he was unhappy, I would have tried to change to make him happy.
I wouldn't take it personally, I decided not to. And I think I'm correct in saying your H is similar to mine.
I think our H's sound much alike also. I'm working on not taking it personally, I know you're absolutely right there. I have to say, i recognize my H did try to tell me, but he was in such a state of discontent with his whole, entire life, from childhood on, that I dismissed it. Sure wish now I hadn't, but I didn't know any better at the time!
I gotta check something out with you all before I proceed! as you might recall, I got some baby steps last wk/wkend...H asking me Tues. afternoon to take S to relig.ed classes, being complimentary & thanking for brunch, sitting by me & holding hand during movie, making fire monday nite, sitting w/D, S & me. I was racking my brain trying to think of what I could have done differently to bring this about, couldnt come up with a thing, and then DUH! I think it hit me, I might have come up with it.
I know that OW sends sickeningly mushy emails to H, everyday....last Tuesday morning I sent this to him:
"I'm glad to do the tires for you....it might make your life a little simpler???I hope....I guess it should at least make the car better. I'm sorry for being clingy this morning, and really sorry if I sounded accusatory, that wasn't my intent. I shouldn't be sending this in an email but I guess right now I'm really aware of how very precious you are to me and of what an incredibly ignorant dolt I was for such a long time. I'm not sure that focus brings out the best in me at all - probably more like the worst! I've been thinking this morning about how special the time I get to spend with you is...not just you-know-what-time, but just talking and being around you, even sitting and looking at the paper. It truly is the treasure of my life. I loved getting to walk with you Sunday. I know you've put effort into us being able to do more of that, and it means more to me than I can tell you. Ummmmm, I better quit with this train of thought because it just makes me want to hug and snuggle you...and other things....and I get distracted. I'll figure up hours I'll have for vacation and try to get in for the same days....I think it should work out ok. It seems like a long ways off, but I'm sure looking forward to it."
When I wrote this, I was really aware of trying to avoid her flowery, come-on, you're my whole world kind of stuff, and I was afraid this was too mushy. How ever, as I reflect, H has said, and I believe he's sincere, that he didn't feel valued by me.... This Email is THE ONLY thing I did different last week....and there was some progress....
o, I'm thinking maybe I need to try to send something similar or maybe a note 1 or 2 X a week? what do you all think? Good DBing? Bad DBing? try it and see what happens? don't dare go there???????
Normally I'd say that was pursuing, but in your case, with your H feeling undervalued, I would say that it was an excellent email and it may have made him feel very desired.
Maybe a nice, racy or snuggly email telling him you are thinking about him after he does something very nice for you. Then you can see if it encourages him to continue and you will have proof that it was what worked.
Thanks, Rottzilla, thats a good idea, to wait and do it in response to something he does. I did send him a note one time telling him how I appreciated all the stuff he does for us, and got an email from him saying how nice the note was and how good it was to hear.
This is going to sound like a weird question but here goes, I have more where this came from, too1 I don't know how to handle being around OW. Frankly, I kind of hide out so I don't have to see her...our offices are in different buildings, so I avoid going where I might see her as much as possible and unless I absolutely have to. When I have to be where I might run in to her, I try to really up the PMA and be chatty and happy and talk w/every body but her.... I really have to grab myself by the collar and MAKE myself do it, though....arghhhhh...I hate it... so I don't know, my question of the second is, is it ok to give myself a break and not be where I might run into her anymore than I have to? OR is there a reason to really push myself to be there more? I have no clue......any thoughts? or does not matter, it's just more of my overanalyzing? and I should not sweat the smaller stuff and do what's easiest because there's plenty of big stuff to deal with? I may post this both places to try to get ideas...
