Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Morhping into a Red Hot Mama!

Betsey, I'm curious, if the "new" wore off after 5 mos, what kept the A going for another 6 mos?
(H has told me OW's not "new" anymore...don't know it that's good, bad or in-between)

^^^^^just bumping questions up. thanks^^^^^^^

Deb,

I wasn't going to post right now but saw your bumped question. What kept it going? Hmmm. Maybe part of it was that Mr. Wonderful was still not trying to connect with me and OM was. Maybe I was still not immune to hearing nice things be noticed and shared with me. Maybe a little bit of fear?

I actually knew the month after getting back in contact with my friend that it was taking me to a dangerous spot, and I tried to end all contact. My friend didn't take it well, and acted sort of psycho. It scared me. I really wasn't quite sure what to do with all the info, Deb.

The only thing I DID know after a couple months was that I was horribly confused and hurting terribly. I figured I owed it to everyone to try and get to the bottom of things in therapy.

Which I did. I spent almost a year in individual counseling just trying to sort things out. Fortunately for ME, I was at the tail end of it when he walked out. I was actually in a much better place emotionally, and able to figure out what I needed to do here (getting on board with DR and getting a plan of action).

I'm extremely happy I didn't have to start from scratch and figure this out in the middle of the turmoil. God must have spared me the agony of being an idiot at the same time my H was being one.

And maybe He has a sense of humor?

Just remember that you can only change how you think and react to your H. He has to change too. It sounds as though he's making progress on that front.

Take care and a big hug.

Betsey

Deb, don't pay any attention to that devil. Your little angel is taking karate lessons from me and pretty soon will kick that devil in the a$$.

Sounds good to me, I would say keep doing what you have been doing. He has expressed both verbally and physically the desire to be close to you. Pull him closer, now is the time you can make this work.

Good luck. Hugs.

Thank you Betsey and Rotzilla for the support and sharing. I so appreciate the encouragement, and Betsey, your input helps me to understand some of where H must be at....I don't know what I would do without you all here on the BB!

Betsey you mentioned being scared. My H has said he is afraid he will give her up and then things will be bad between us again...I have a hard time understanding this, because I know how deeply committed I am to making this better and it seems to me he should be able to see it. Is this the type of thing you feared, or was there something different? If that's too personal a question, I understand and wont be at all offended if you prefer not to answer...I hope my asking isn't offensive, I'm just trying deperately to understand as much as I can where he's coming from.

I cant help but wonder if she isnt a little psycho on him sometimes, and if he's scared of that. I can't put my finger on why I think that--actually come to think of it the emails I've seen from her are so far off the deep end even for a jr. high kid is part of the reason...

Deb,

Quote:

---

I have a hard time understanding this, because I know how deeply committed I am to making this better and it seems to me he should be able to see it.

---

Making assumptions like this is not going to work in your favor, regardless of the nature of your thought pattern. He's not seeing your M from the same perspective as you; therefore, he is entitled to feel however he feels as much as you don't enjoy this.

Do you see how this creeping thought is getting in your way?

I feared a lot of things: neither one of us changing, him not opening up to me with the truth, living the rest of our days in a roommate existence.

Remember, I'm the one who was LBS, so I can't say for sure what your H is thinking. But since you brought it up, I'll share something with you that our MC shared with us last summer.

Mr. W. was ranting about me not getting over something that happened a long time ago. He was pretty pissed about it. The transgression was pretty big, and I hadn't forgiven him for it (I have now safely crossed that one off my list forever).

Our MC said to him, "Mr. W., you cannot dictate to her when you think she should be over something. That is for her to work with, and if she says she will try, you are just going to have to accept her word as truth and be patient. She will get over it when she's finished with the processing, and this is not on your timetable. Leave it be."

Well, I had to hear the same statement about something I felt he should have processed and discarded.

About the OW and how this advice pertains to you:

Don't spend another minute analyzing this stuff. He may be working through this and will eventually reach some conclusions that are totally his own if you don't put words into his mouth that aren't his.

Just keep DOING. Do more of what you're doing that has changed you. It's going to take a long time for him to believe that the changes are permanent and you've changed. In the meantime, he's going to have to decide whether or not he's in this M with you or not.

Give him the time and space and things will eventually make themselves clear.

Hugs,

Betsey

Hi Rotzilla, keep giving my angel those karate lessons, would you? I'm gonna go try to find your thread in a minute..I had it and think I've lost it here lately.

Your comment to pull him close, now is the time I can make it work hit home this morning after some things yesterday evening. For sometime I've felt like he's coming much closer emotionally, inspite of the fact that he goes back to/keeps on w/OW; I've been afraid to trust my instincts, thinking that it's just my longing clouding my perception, but now I'm thinking maybe they're pretty accurate.

D22 is home on spring break, knows about this stuff (knew last summer before I did), and has been really angry at her dad. Like her brother, she's a very observant, bright and intuitive kid who never misses much. Last night I asked for her "take" on the sitch, which made her unhappy, and of course really isn't fair. She commented that she wasnt around enough to really know and I told her that I just needed her impressions because it's so hard for me to be objective when my nose is in it day in and day out. I asked her 3 questions & her responses were interesting:
1) Does your Dad seem different to you? her answer was "he's nicer than he's been for years and years";
2) Do you think he seems happier? Her answer was yes, but I think he still has personal and depression issues that have nothing to do with you that won't go away until he deals with them himself;
3) Do you think he seems warmer towards me? Her answer was "yes, much".

I mentioned how frustrating it is to try to wait all this stuff out but that I keep believing we can come out on the other side, that I don't feel like he really wants to/will leave. She said it looks to her like he's got himself into a big mess that he has no clue how to get out of, because he's so clueless about women...and that it's getting worse and worse.

I just found her perceptions interesting, probably because they pretty much confirm mine. We havent discussed this for several months. She hasnt been home since x-mas break, and as I look back, that's about when I began to sense this "shift" in his attitude, when he started to become warmer and more open. So maybe my instincts aren't totally off base.

Yesterday evening, H lit a fire in the fireplace, which he had emailed me at work that he would do for me when I complained how cold my office was (I found that sweet), and then went to do his workout. H & D have been very distant and strained since this all began, but H came and sat in the living room where the kids & I were talking when he was finished. I saw this as a really positive sign that he's even making an effort to be closer with her....he used to be almost hateful to her in kind of a defensive posture over this whole thing.

It's still confusing to me though...And leaves a big question in my mind? Do people who are leaving their families to go to OP act like this? I'm sure I've read of them going through an "emotional divorce" ( I would say we were probably there last spring/summer, honestly), and it would seem to me they would be using every excuse and opportunity to distance themselves (it feels like he's done that and come back as well).
Any thoughts on this?

Thanks Betsey, Again! yes, I understand how this thought process gets in my way, and I'm making progress in coming to terms w/ the fact that he will have to grasp the changes in his own time and way. I just have to be booted in the fanny to be reminded of it every so often.
I know that he will have to decide on his own where he's going, and that if & when he gets back here to work on things with me, there will be big things that both of us will have to let go of.

I guess I'm encouraged as I look at baby steps into thinking that he is beginning to work on things in his own way. Then it's really hard for me to be patient!

All I can say is that when my H finally admitted to an EA, he said he was deeply sorry. I told him I was shocked because he seemed to be showing me so much love lately.

He said "I wasn't faking it, it's how I feel."

I have to say that most men don't "fake it" and I would be encouraged by that. They do what feels right to them.

Deb,

I didn't mean to ignore your observation yesterday--the one where having a child with medical challenges was a big factor with your M.

I've been thinking about that on and off for a really long time now. Mr. Wonderful and I have had so much support during this separation. Wonderfully meaning people who tell us that they admire how well we've managed over the past 7 years despite the pitfalls.

Funny, though. As hard as they have been, neither of us believe it was an excuse for how things ended up. One friend grabbed him by the hand and dragged him over to me at a golf course last summer and yelled, "Betsey and Mr. W! Don't you both get it? Marriage means turning TOWARD each other, not ON each other!"

He and I stared at each other in disbelief. Oddly enough, the crises were what usually brought us back to some grounded place. However, I later digested what this friend was saying. After the event had passed, we had resumed our position as foes.

I wouldn't wish a sick child on my worst enemy (though I don't think I have any?). It's tough to make good decisions when one or both parents are literally and figuratively exhausted. Having a near death experience with my D7 frightened both of us. And we actually lived through it!

Please lean over so I can hug you too. It's a really rough road to travel, and the fact that you recognize it for what it is says a whole lot. I suspect your H is grateful for you and what you did during those times. Mine is. Every time I think he actually meant those venomous leaving/fighting words, I go back to read e-mails from him to me thanking me for being such a great mom.

I choose to believe the words were spoken honestly and with love.

Here's one to another special mom.

(((((Deb)))))

Betsey