feels better, I think....at least that's where I'm intending to go! I'm getting really tired of being frantic and overwhelmed, although it still catches me sometimes. link to other piecing thread (I hope) http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=671345&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1 I can still use some input from yesterdays post in that old thread Today H is still more distant than last weekend, although he seems friendly and cheerful and We're going to go look at weights tonight! that's a baby step...he hasnt wanted to do ANYTHING with me for a long, long time. This morning I surprised him by changing my work hours and staying home...didn't have a chance to wear my thong and cami around the house though because he got S on school bus and came back to bed and all on his own. hehehe works for me. I did get on the scales today and I'm down 52 or 53 pounds! yes! still got a ways to go...but by golly I am going to get a bikini before we go on vacation! yes! yes! yes! yes! well, ok, maybe a "tankini" but I'm going to get there by fall (goal weight) come hell or high water. Could sure use any insight/interpretation on my sitch posted in last pathetic sounding thread! I still have trouble staying detached...am still working on fun stuff goals just for me I'm really trying to put OW clear out of my mind....is it really possible to get there? How?????? I guess I kind of think that will be big turning point for me, if not for M. Thanks for any input!
Congratulations on your weight loss! I am at 44 or 45 pounds myself now. Funny how it takes getting booted in the butt to improve our lives!!!
Have fun looking for weights!!! I will look at your other thread too when I have a chance. I am hoping to be bikini-ready sometime this summer myself. Maybe not quite in time for summer, but at least by July or August!!!!
Quote: I'm really trying to put OW clear out of my mind....is it really possible to get there? How?????? I guess I kind of think that will be big turning point for me, if not for M.
The answer is YES, absolutely. Eventually you will come to understand that the OW was nothing more than a misguided attempt by your H to sooth his emotional pain. OWs/OMs are nothing more than their trying to re-write history, they are trying to re-capture the experience they had when they first met and fell in love with us....they persue the relationship like an addict seeks out their next fix....and like an addict while it feels good in the moment...it makes them feel like shi$ in the long run. When you think of the OW...feel sorry for her poor dumb pitiful a$$ because she sold her moral core, her dignity, her self respect and esteem to have hidden moments with another woman's man and in the process KNEW that SHE was tainted not special. SHE could have been anyone and I mean absolutely anyone that willingly made themselves available to man lost in pain and confusion. She's NOT someone to envy, in fact, she's someone to pity for her extremely desperate and low self esteem. Any woman that will settle for another woman's sloppy seconds has already decided that she's not good enough to attract a whole and healthy man on her own so she circles the injured MM like a shark waiting to strike...how sad and pathetic for her.
T2
Whoa, thanks, T2, I needed to hear that. I've certainly thought of her as having sold out and being "tainted", but your perspective is much deeper.
I suspect he's with her this afternoon under guise of doing paperwork....this is pretty standard, usually on Saturday but we were busy w/party for D's wedding.... It does help to put it in perspective....I personally can't imagine what it must be like to be hanging on to someone who hasn't left their w/family....I don't see her very often, but she looks irritable when I do (all 3 of us are co-workers...fun fun) I only hope someday he will come to see her/the A for what it truely is.... He has said (2 weeks ago) that he would "need time to see it for what it is" (his exact words, not mine) and said that he couldnt understand why I couldnt understand that and be patient....that if affairs usually burn out,there was nothing to worry about...makes no sense to me, but I guess it did to him.
He has started the process though of looking for a new job....My Mom suggested that it looks like he's trying to put some distance between them. I sure hope that's right and that he finds one....Soon!
I'm doing ok today inspite of knowing where he is ....small steps for me, I guess. I'm finding that it is still hard, but I do much better when I'm thinking about things to look foward to...I've gotten the details on golf lessons, don't know if I'll like it, but going to schedule those w/in next month.... Detach, Detach, Detach.....I notice that he seems to be much warmer to me when I'm happier and have "her" shoved to the back of my mind....
It's kind of weird and almost frightens me, because I'm afraid I'm out of touch with reality, but deep down in my heart, I don't believe he is going to leave. I don't think he wants to...I know he needed our R to change, as I did, and I believe it's improved tremendously. He seems so much warmer to me than he did 8 or 9 mos. ago....I can only hope he feels it too.
I'm kind of disappointed because the weekend turned out to be more hectic than expected (party for D's wedding,SIL-to-be at our house) and we postponed the weight shopping, BUT it's still on the agenda..so hopefully next weekend! Plans to watch a movie tonight for some "downtime" together, although kids will probably be here....but that's ok.
sometimes I'm disgusted at the fact that it took getting "booted in the butt" to get me to make the changes I've made....I don't know how I managed to slip so far from the "real me"....If I had had the sense to not do that, I believe a lot of the current problems would have been avoided. I guess the good part is that I'm living proof that old dogs can learn new tricks........or at least relearn old ones! But, everything I've done needed to be done for me....
Deb--Well, it sucks that we have to go to the University of Hard Knocks to learn hard lessons, doesn't it? Every time I start to think along the lines of "woe is me" I remember something my boss says to me from time to time:
Now that you're taking classes at the U of HK, if you don't graduate magna cum laude, it's your own fault!
Yikes!
As far as your questions on the A goes, I'm actually the one who had the EA (nearly PA)... and also nearly the WAW. So I will answer your questions from my own perspective:
The EA lasted about 11 months. The new wore off after about 5 months.
What contributed to the end? I realized that I had absolutely NO bargaining power with my soon to walk out H if I was still in contact with my friend. I wanted to reconcile, and although the OM was only a symptom of our problems, I knew that his presence even as a friend (he's my childhood friend) would thwart any attempts at my sincerity to do so.
I believe I just answered the 3rd question too.
I think I'm pretty much along the lines of the spouses who leave for OP. I came awfully close to doing that myself, only because I felt that being miserably married to Mr. Wonderful was not an option anymore, and I found someone who valued me from a variety of perspectives.
Of course I didn't leave and I figured out the reason I was miserably married to Mr. W. was a lot of my own doing. Of course, he has his hangups and they had to be discovered on his own....
Just keep doing more of what you're doing. When he finally figures this all out himself, you're going to be in a swell place if you do.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
all on his own. hehehe works for me. 