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Thanks for your advice Mutatio. When i found out about my W's A we talked about our issues and i suggested seeing a MC she was a little reluctant because she has battled depression before we met and had seen several therapists and counselors and said she didnt enjoy that. However, she did agree and said that she felt like show owes it to me and us since we have been together 10 years.

Now doing some reading in here and on google i see suggestions to beware the MC. People have concerns they are not focused on saving the M. Should i still go forward with booking a session with a MC. Any Thoughts?

Thanks all for the responces i think i am coming to terms with the fact that i cannot change how my W acts or what she is doing quickly or through confrontation. I have essentially semi confronted her 3 times since origonal confrontation and each time she has gotten more upset and push away harder and harder.

I can't tell you what will work. I can tell you that what I did and it did not work. We could have gone to MC and be in the same spot.

You could go and it works.
You could go and it doesn't work.
You could not go and it works.
You could not go and it doesn't work.
Your MC could be great.
Your MC could not be great.

Your life, your marriage, your call.
Good Luck

Haha obviously I know it could go all different ways since we are all human and everyone reacts different to every situation. I guess im realy just looking to hear if anyone in a similar situation to mine has seen a MC or not and if it helped or not. I realize no one has a crystal ball with all the answers.

SadJeff, we went to MC and the counselor told my H to end the affair. He said to end it because it was wrong, not because I told him to end it.

My H took that to mean "Don't let your W tell you what to do" and then he justified not ending it by claiming that it wasn't "wrong" it was a "nice friendship" and they were "helping" each other and they had a "therapeutic relationship" and then he insisted that the therapist told him all of this, that I had said it was wrong and he shouldn't end it because I thought it was wrong. Completely twisted the therapists words. Fast forward 3 months later and I issued an ultimatum, and the MC told me I "failed the test."

We are still seeing the MC, I can't explain why, H seems to like him and it was the only time H would talk to me, and this guy gets great reviews. But I think he did more damage than good, although we are still together and the A is over (I think it is anyway, we don't talk about it.) It all [censored] no matter what you do, you just do your best and focus on yourself and give up all illusion of being in control because you are not. Focus on yourself. Listen to your W if she wants to talk, listen and validate and STFU and eventually maybe things will make sense.

You are not alone. I have experienced the absolute best support here, better than MC, better than IC, better than my friends and my sister, etc- all of who have been good to me and supportive in their own way, but we are in the trenches here in this forum and will walk along beside you.

Hi Jeff, I know you are getting a lot thrown your way. I'm going to throw some more. Years ago, I was a WAW, but worse, I was wayward. DR really doesn't use the term "wayward Wife", but I personally believe that when a woman is cheating, lying, being disrespectful, etc., she is definitely wayward. I have some threads on the subject, and what I have experienced and observed over the years I have been on the board. You'll find the beginning on that list on Cadet's post to you.

BTW, I stayed in my M and we are still married today. I have stayed on the board b/c it had a big hand in helping me. I have started trying to mainly help the H's who have a WW, by explaining the mindset of a WW. I believe he has to demonstrate a stronger, firmer stand, in order to gain her respect again. Please don't misunderstand what I mean by stronger/firmer. The WW threads will explain.

Nothing else works until she begins to respect him as a man. You may be a really good guy, but for some reason, she lost the respect. No romancing, no spending more time together, no catering to her wants, no touching, not even correcting all the things she has complained about you. Losing respect is at the bottom of it, I can guarantee you. Other things happened to start her feelings of disrespect, but that is the bottom line.

You must first learn about DB detaching (on Cadet's post), then learn about boundary setting (same page), and please read about the mindset of a WW.

You can do all of this while you are waiting to get your book.

Thanks for your responce pho. I apreciate the insite into your experiences with MC. I am still unsure what I will do. Feel like the detatchment and the stronger firmer approch outlined by sandi in WW documentation will work better. At this point i dont yet understand how all these ideas and counceling would work together.

Hello Jeff,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

To see a MC or to not see a MC, that is the question. Clearly, not all MC are created equal. Rather than pressure your wife into going to MC, consider doing something without her. You can effect change single handedly by doing something different in a positive way.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

SadJeff, Please don't think I was being flip in my answer. I am bitter about the way my situation has played out after the last seven years of trying to make it work. I answered the way I did because of my frustration. Best Wishes for your marriage.

Thanks i dont know what being flip means bit its all good! Wishing you all the best in your future journey hope you can find happyness!