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Just had a bit of a blow up with the w over me accusing her of lying. How would be the best way of handling this in the future? Should I just ignore and move on?

Hello SadJeff

It is a shame that you had to find you way here, rest assured you are not alone in feeling sad, confused, anxious. The really good news is that there are many here who can really help you n ways you can't imagine right now.

Ther are two key words that it would be great for you to completely embrace and become the root of your behaviour, they are acceptance and gratitude.

Accept where you are and don't push against it. You are on a journey, one you didn't expect or want to be on, you are on it none the less and there's no getting off , so accept it.

Be grateful for everything that happens, your intuition leading you here is a fine example. There maybe some bad things that will happen too, be grateful for those too, they are all part of your learning experience even though they may be painful.

If you are like 99.999% of people when they first arrive here, you are going to feel overwhelmed and not know where to start. You are also looking for a magic phrase or behavior that will instantly fix your situation (sitch), sadly there any one, so stop searching madly for one. Your start should be the Divorce Remedy (DR) book, until you read this a lot of the help offered won't mean too much.

You are also going to feel like you need to do something urgently or it will get worse. It will if you react without the right skills, it won't if you just let it be while you learn the skills, from the book and enhance them here. If you doubt this, remember it took months, if not years for your relationship (R) to reach this point, a few days or weeks isn't going to change things that much and IF you get it right, you stand a vey good chance, in time, of getting things back on track.

Take some time to breathe SadJeff, relax those knotted muscles, order the DR book and know that you will be an even better man as a result of all this, no matter what happens.

On a techy note I'd use "incognito" tabs or similar when using this site so your wife (W) doesn't stumble over what you are doing or look through your history in your browser to check up on you.

Looking forward to hearing more from you SadJeff, be well and be calm.

Avanti

Get duct tape and put it over your mouth.

You don't need to "move on" but you
do need to "move forward".

Standing is not still.

I drank to much and was unpleasant to be with. My wife had an EA/PA. We both felt guilty about what we did to the marriage. We decided to try and make it work. We swept it all under the rug and did well for a while. It was a big mistake to not see a MC back then. Now I am paying for it, things are very grim in my situation. If you two want to try and make it work make sure you two go to MC. Just relaying my experience, I wish someone had told me. Good Luck

Thanks Bob it is good to know i am not abnormal. I am typically a very strong individual and i also find myself feeling weak and hopeless. I Need to move forward and stop worrying about what might or might not happen to my M in the future.

Thanks Avanti for your kind words and advice. I gueaa the main thing that makes me want to react more quickly is the fact that she has had and affair and that i am 100% certain she is continuing to talk to this OM emotiinally even after she said she would stop and draw the line a coworker type relationship. I feel like if I dont react quick enough she will leave me for him.

About reading the DR book I want to get an electronic copy i can read more descreatly on my phone does anyone know if this is available anywhere?

I am going to do my best to move foward. I hate that shes is lying to me and i know that she is lying. Inside i feel the need to confront her as my gut tells me that will get her to stop lying. However that didnt get her to stop the last time i confronted her about lying about kissing him so i suppose why would it work now. It just causes her to be more descreat and careful with her words and actions. I know she has done the same thing when confronted by a couple of cooworkers about the A. She had a meeting with the OM to come up qith a "game plan" her words as to how they should act around work as to not arouse any more suspissions. Now they text at work instead of actually talking.

You have had years with your W, he has had a few weeks or months at best. You know what she was better than he. He only knows the new W that is still forming, he may get bored, he may get distracted by someone else, he doesn't want the responsibility of her... In other words, lots of things can go wrong, don't worry and besides you can't affect her now, you can only enhance yourself and she is giving you the space to do that, embrace it.

Not sure if an electronic version is available, if it's not on Amazon, I doubt it. Get the book delivered elsewhere (the office, a relation or friends...) and read it at lunchtime or get home late by spending half an hour reading it in the parking lot before you set off from work...get into a problem solving mindset.

Try not to get drawn into this kind of stuff, it'll simply tie you up in knots and stop you from determining the way forward. The excitement of keeping it under wraps, keeps them at the affair (A) so don't add fuel to their fire by paying it any attention. Confronting her will be big time fuel.

There is a saying and it's tough to understand early on, when you do you'll know you've made a big step forward - "The answer is not in your situation (sitch)"

SadJeff, when I found out my H was "dating" someone my heart just about broke, I demanded that they end it, he claimed they did but he just hid it better. This went on for months. When someone is cheating, you can not believe a word he/she is saying, she is not herself, and is not thinking rationally. The best thing to do is stay out of her way and be the best version of yourself that you can be, take care of yourself, keep your mouth shut, and observe what is really going on. This is the hardest thing in the entire world to do. But this is what you are facing right now.

You are in a good place, you will get great advice. Keep posting, keep reading, take care of your basic needs now- sleep, eat, don't isolate yourself, get some exercise. There is no easy fix, you are in for a long haul, so start with the basics. I am sorry you are in this situation.