Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Parents: help me parenting while separated (2)

Ripe

Me and W have thr clothes split up between our houses and still send some back and forth. It depends on how much the kids are staying at each house but you could grab a load of them to take to your house so you can decide what they wear also.

I've felt the same with my interactions with W in the past. There were times where I was so angry at what she did to our family that that it was hard to out on a good PMA. I'm not sure how rude I got but there were times where she would come home and neither of us said a single word to eachother. Push past it and that phase will lessen. You will have to force the rudeness away now but as time goes by it gets easier to interact with them.

Thanks, Fogg, that´s exactly how I want to proceed.
STBXW and I so far don't have disagreements when it comes to the kids.
Last Thursday was my day with them. However, STBXW had another parent inviting the kids to a Thanksgiving party, so she asked to have them. I promptly accepted.
I felt sad. Some time ago I would also have been invited.

In exchange, today, and until Sunday morning, I will have the kids, although it's STBXW weekend.

Uau!
Yesteday was my DB forum anniversary.
So many things have changed in my life since.
And my divorce will be finalized in one month.
But I feel and know that I am a better person today than one year ago. 366 days ago I was a scared rabbit, not knowing where to hide.

But this is not the moment to celebrate the past - although this past has brought me here today - but to look forward.
Let's look at the goals I established at the begining of November:

1. I am going to be the best possible daddy. I will apply every time possible what I learned from reading "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child", by John Gottman.
Success! But since this is a never ending goal, I will keep it.
2. I keep knowing myself with the support of my IC and our weekly meetings.
Success! However, still a work in progress.
3. I go to bed earlier, no later than 24h, so that I can stay in bed at least 8 hours. I start preparing everything 15 min in advance, not when I decide to go to bed.
Fail. I delay going to bed on time because the only time I have for myself is after the kids are in bed.
4. I keep attending the Happiness Course initiated in September.
Success! I did the final exam today. I clearly feel this course will be a life changer, second only to the imminent divorce.
5. I will apply when possible active listening technique learned at the course.
Did not have a lot of opportunities to implement this. I want to practice more.
6. I keep doing physical exercises at home at least three times a week: push-ups, sit-ups and treadmill.
Success! My six pack is starting to emerge. However, my friends tell me I am excessively thin.
7. I practice meditation more frequently, at least three times a week before going to sleep.
Success! I am enjoying it more and more. It is becoming a habit.
8. I ask every day, several times, the question: "How do I feel about this?
Success! I am more aware of my feelings.

So, I will keep for now all these goals, with the exception of 4. I am replacing it for the following:
4. I will complete all the practices I did not complete during the course.

Today is Thursday so I have to kids with me.
As usual, I went to STBXW's place to pick them up. On the phone I immediately sensed something was not right.
S9 came downstairs first. He was angry and had been crying. He didn't want to tell what had happened and told me to ask mom.
She came moments later. She was bitter. She said that lately S9's behaviour has been unacceptable. Today he had asked for her computer and after a refusal had said some nasty words and thrown the door. STBXW also said she was very tired. S9 would not ask for things in a polite way but instead would demand them from her.
I called S9 to my side. I put my arm around him and told him to listen to his mother.
When we left to my place S9 said he didn't want to ever go back to his mother's house. He asked me if I had some knives at home so that he could kill himself and end his mother shouting. He complained that STBXW is always shouting at him.
After dinner I had a short talk with him. I asked him if he was still angry at his mother because of the separation. He said yes. I replied that it was good for him to acknowledge that anger and express the feeling, but that we needed to find what to do with it.
Because it was bed time I said we would speak better tomorrow, since I will be having them for the weekend.
Any advice on how S9 should deal with this, parents?
(I don't consider worrying S9 talk about killing himself. He said that without fully understanding what is suicide and only as a way to express his anger.)

On a brighter tone, the three of us started practising yoga we with a nice lady we found on internet (just google Cosmic Kids Yoga).
And right before going to bed we watched a National Geographic program about airplane accidents. This program had a notorious impact on them.
It was an interesting moment. After the aircraft had safely landed I introduced the theme of life value.
I told them we should always appreciate life and what it had to offer. I said we should be grateful for our relatives, friends and what we have.
The kids fully understood my message.
With them tucked in bed, I asked S7 and S9: "What are you grateful for today?"
S7 said "My friends" and S9 "Life".

Had another fantastic weekend with the kids.
Saturday the three of us went to another country to spend the night.
When we leave for a car trip I always say: "Enjoy the trip, Ripe Family".
S7 immediately replied: "The family is not incomplete".
Some moments later he said: "Mom promised she would never leave you". S9 said: "Mom is a liar."
I remember the day we told the kids about our separation. S7 mentioned the same promise and STBXW replied "I never said so."
I have been thinking about this ever since.
It is only half true.
She never told the kids so.
But she told me that at the altar.
And that vow is a sine qua non condition for the couple's safety, even spiritual, in order to have kids. No couple would have kids if the spouses knew their marriage was a short-living one. At least I would not.
Moving on.
We watched a new Disney movie called The Good Dinossaur. It's a movie about family and friendship.
At some point the two main characters are trying to communicate that they have lost some members of their family. They stick on the ground one stick for each member they have. And then they draw on the ground one circle surrounding the sticks.
I thought to myself: "Yes, that's a good representation of a family. No one should ever be able to break that circle, at least on purpose."
Anyway, I feel that the kids and I are closer than ever and that our circle will never be broken.

Just scheduled a meeting with STBXW for tomorrow night.
She will show up at my place after the kids are asleep.
We will discus the D proposal agreements I sent her last week.
If we agree and sign them she will take them with her when she flies home for Christmas.
After filing the papers D will be a reality.
Right now our interactions are respectful and distant.
Today I sent her an email reporting S9's reaction to her shouting.
I guess we will talk about that tomorrow.
STBXW called me today to tell me about some extra-curricular activities for the kids. Since I kindly protested some weeks ago for her not including me in a meeting with the teachers she informs me and asks for my opinion about everything related to the kids.
I should have thanked her for calling and consulting me today.
I didn't, so will do it personally tomorrow.

Well, STBXW postponed the meeting saying the had some work to do.
Only then I realized I was a bit tense and that I was also disappointed for not having her at my place.
Why, may I ask?
Is it possible that I am still DB'ing hoping to get her back?
I was pretty sure I had given up on her, so this comes as a surprise.

Today I had some GAL activity planned.
The international organization I work for organizes every year a Christmas party. The previous years I have been to that party always with my STBXW.
Today, with my best two friends and colleagues, I went for a very nice dinner and, after that, we all went to the party.
If you have read this post , you will know how I feel at noisy parties playing modern music (does anyone call music to that beat?).
Well, today I decided I would make a concious effort to enjoy it. And it worked. I started throwing my limbs in awkward directions and moving my feet in the opposite direction of my arms and any objective observer would say I was dancing.
And then... I say STBXW.
She was dressed as she has never dressed before, with make-up which would make a Hollywood actress jealous. She was with her best friend, who also works for the same organization.
From the distance she said hi to me.
Immediately I told my friends I would go home. I didn't want to leave the party at that particular moment, but it was stronger than me. As I was talking to my friends I was begging for them to convince me to stay. I knew they would make me stay. They just needed to say the word.
And then, the STBXW's friend came with STBXW to our table. She hugged me (we were good friends) and said hello to my friends. STBXW said hello to my friends (we socialized quite often in the past). I did not look at SBTXW and did not say a word to her. Both went to grab a drink. I could not stand any more to be there. I left.
The moment I passed the exit door I regretted it.
I should have stayed. I should have kept on dancing (what a 180)!
Since we don't live together any longer, this would be the perfect occasion to show STBXW that I have a life of my own.
But I didn't.
I came home to cry at this forum.

PS - STBXW's friend is divorced. She is in good relations with her ex-husband. She has been the one being there for my STBXW since we separated and much before that. I know my STBXW needs her and I am happy that my STBXW has someone to lean on. But I don't want to hang out with this friend. She cannot be friends with us both. And STBXW needs her more than I do.

Ok. I blew it up.
Now is time to try and understand what happened.
When I saw her there all dressed up and ready to enjoy herself I was mad, hurt and angry.
She should be by my side, not GALing without me.
And when she and the friend came to our table my emotions and state of anger sky-rocketed. Does she think we are such nice friends that we can socialize together? That we can be together and exchange pleasantries as if nothing had happened? Only ten minutes after several acquaintances had asked me about my “wife” and I had lied to them?
After yesterday I realized that that woman still affects me and that her presence has an impact on me.
I realized I still want her.
I realized I still want to be married to her.
And in order for that to be possible I should have done what works, I should have acted “as if”, like DB tells us to do.
I should have stayed there and showed her I can enjoy myself without her. And that not because of her but because this is what really needs to happen in order for me to be able to move forward.
On the contrary, yesterday I only showed her a childish Ripe who is not at all attractive.
My friends just told me that STBXW and friend had gone to another table and that when I left they came to my friends’ table. STBXW asked if I had left because of her and my friends made up some lie, although it was pretty obvious what had just happened.
And now I realize I never told STBXW I don’t want to be friends with her after D. I have acted in a distant way, sometimes even impolitely, but I have never stated that clearly. So why would the friend and she not come to our table and say hi?
Well, now I ask for your help, dear friends.
What should I tell her if tonight, when I call the kids, she asks me what happened?

Hi Ripe. I'm no expert so just my two cents worth. How about explaining you cannot be friends and it's very awkward for you to be at social events with her

I would go no further than that as it could easily be seen as blaming or trying to guilt W

Again I'm no expert so maybe wait for more people to chime in before you make your mind up.


Take care. Rd