Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Parents: help me parenting while separated (2)

They are good goals Ripe. Maybe you consider taking out the word will from each one, make it so they are actually happening or taking place, not intentions, it is a bit of a kind trick but it does work.

On number 6. be more specific, lifting your coffee cup counts as exercise.

Number 3. consider, I go to bed before ??:?? to ensure I get at least 8 hours sleep.

Refined goals (thanks, Avanti):

1. I am going to be the best possible daddy. I will apply every time possible what I learned from reading "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child", by John Gottman.
2. I keep knowing myself with the support of my IC and our weekly meetings.
3. I go to bed earlier, no later than 24h, so that I can stay in bed at least 8 hours. I start preparing everything 15 min in advance, not when I decide to go to bed.
4. I keep attending the Happiness Course initiated in September.
5. I will apply when possible active listening technique learned at the course.
6. I keep doing physical exercises at home at least three times a week: push-ups, sit-ups and treadmill.
7. I practice meditation more frequently, at least three times a week before going to sleep.
8. I ask every day, several times, the question: "How do I feel about this?"

Looking good Ripe.

Remove the lingering will in 5. and put how long your sessions will be in 6. then you'll be all set.

UAU, what I nice weekend I had!
Because my STBXW went for her birthday dinner with her friends I got to have the kids with me Saturday night, although it was her weekend with them.
We went to the mass and afterwards a surprise Halloween party was organized. The kids loved it.
Sunday morning I took the kids to football practice and then to their mother.
Having the rest of the morning all to myself I decided to go for a walk in the park.
I decided to take the camera with me, being photography one of my favourite hobbies.
I am still thrilled.
I took around 100 pictures of the forest and its Autumn colours.
I walked for about 8 Km and listened to music.

Thank you, STBXW for the gift of this time.
Thank you, iPod shuffle for the songs you selected.
Thank you, mother Nature for your beauty.

Refined goals (double thanks, Avanti):

1. I am going to be the best possible daddy. I will apply every time possible what I learned from reading "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child", by John Gottman.
2. I keep knowing myself with the support of my IC and our weekly meetings.
3. I go to bed earlier, no later than 24h, so that I can stay in bed at least 8 hours. I start preparing everything 15 min in advance, not when I decide to go to bed.
4. I keep attending the Happiness Course initiated in September.
5. I apply when possible active listening technique learned at the course.
6. I keep doing physical exercises at home at least three times a week: push-ups (10 min), sit-ups (10 min) and treadmill (20 min).
7. I practice meditation more frequently, at least three times a week before going to sleep.
8. I ask every day, several times, the question: "How do I feel about this?"

I am making some intriguing discoveries about myself.
I have just realized I have been living for the last years in this fog that prevented reality from being perceived.
This is interesting since us LBS are always complaining that our walk away wives are the ones who cannot get rid of the fog.
Well, they do not have the exclusive rights of the mist.
For years and years I just kept doing the same things that would not work or just not doing anything at all, only avoiding.
Now that my W has abandoned me I can breath. And I realize I did not breath for a long time, that I had all my senses numbed out, that my marriage oppressed me beyond description.
And that only now I can truly work on myself and improve.
I think this is what Cadet means when he greets all of us the following way:

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Perhaps you weren't in a fog Ripe, more focussing on cheeseless tunnels?

You are right, our WS's or WAS's are giving us a gift and to use it wisely is the best way. As pretty much all of us know, doing so is very hard at first because there are so many emotions to deal with.

Besides the cheeseless tunnels I think I was really in a fog, Avanti.
How else can I explain that, being physical touch my main love language, I remained in a sexless marriage for so long, not daring to ask questions like "what do I feel?", "what do I need?" or "what do I want?".
This realization during one of my sessions with IC that I had been miserable and alone in my marriage made me cry.
Walking in cheeseless tunnels implies that at least we more or less know what we want and where we are heading, I think.

And know, something completely different.
In my happiness course we are now studying forgiveness.
It's a pity I cannot post here the materials, because they would do some good to some of us.
Anyway, one of the steps to forgiveness is the following:
"8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving power over you to the person who caused you pain, learn to look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you. Put more energy into appreciating what you have rather than attending to what you do not have."

Today is Friday and I am planning on having a wonderful weekend with my kids and friends. On Sunday I organized a walk and I am preparing lunch for five of them.

Its good to these things Ripe but there is a bigger picture that you may have seen also. Men normally have the physical touch LL and feel loved through sex. Women need the emotional connection to feel the love, and when they do it leads to them wanting sex. Its very likely what you are realizing about how you felt in the M is exactly what you W felt also. Unloved, miserable, alone, we normally have the same feelings but one of us gets to them before the other.

Something I do want you to avoid is placing the blame of those feelings on your W and M. You could have found breath in your M, but you didn't. You could have change also in your M, but you didn't. This is the same for all of us and our S's also. Just realize you are responsible for the core of your happiness, not another person.

Just pointing this out as I think going down the road of forgiveness is easier when we realize our S's have the same disappointments about our M as we do and didn't intend to hurt us, but traveled the road they felt would make them happy. They put us as being responsible for how they feel, don't do the same.

Again, I think you may already realize this but saying it just in case.

Its great your exploring who you are and why you acted a certain way in the past. If we are to have any chance to really change us and avoid repeating future we need to be able to see what problems are there.

I totally understand you, Fogg.
And maybe I expressed myself poorly, but I don't think I need to forgive my STBXW for anything. It's my fault as it's hers. For me to be in a position to forgive her I would have to be a victim, which I am not.