Adjusting to which new reality, Pho? That I'm a criminal now, or that I'm disposable? Either one is awful. I'm almost ready to give in to H's extortion so I can have the charges dismissed. I can't get a job in my new field with this hanging over my head. He knows this, of course, but doesn't care. He doesn't care about my mental state, either. If I give in to temptation, and just die, it'll solve all his problems. The kids won't be in the middle, and I won't have to borrow more money.
But that's weakness, isn't it? I really think I have too much to deal with. I'm not that strong. I need help, but have no idea where to get any.
Ancaire, don't forget about the character and strength that you have shown since this happened. You are not a criminal nor disposable. Don't give your H the power to make you feel that way. Only you, based on how you perceive and interpret your surroundings, determine how you feel. That's not very eloquent, but I hope the meaning comes through.
Slow down lovely, you are running on emotional crack. Your brain has found a thought and feeling and it's got you in it's grips.
You aren't weak, this isn't weakness this is vulnerablity. We all feel vulnerable in these moments. Strength does not disappear in the presence of vulnerablity. You know this as I have seen how you acknowledge others here in their vulnerablity. You validate their sense of powerlessness and emotionality and support them to just be where they are and feel what they feel, and that it is not a reflection of their worth.
Your resources (emotional, mental and practical) are reaching their limits and your statement " I really have too much to deal with" perfectly encapsulates this. Feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable in your circumstances is reasonable and understandable.
You need help? What kind of help would you like? Is it practical help, is emotional help? Would you like someone to cook you a meal and make you a cup of tea. Tell what it is that might help you feel less vulnerable, tell us what might help you feel reconnected to the personal strength we have all seen in you, but you have forgotten.
And just to note Ancaire, right now you don't have to be H's problem solver. And while you may feel tempted to consider dying as an option. I do wonder if H is indeed the best motivation or even worthy of your sacrifice. I know your children would never see it as a good reason.
As a person who has experienced deep depression and feelings of suicide (a month prior bomb drop and after) I can so tell you that no one person is a good motiviation for considering suicide. The cliche that there is no better revenge than living life well is true. You just need a plan to get there.
Besides you just offered your couch as a stop over for me!
There is a quote I have as my Facebook profile picture and it reads "When I get sad I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead. True Story". Smile good woman you have just forgotten how AMAZING and AWESOME you actually are.
You know, I just realized what is haunting me. Ever since the day after I got out of jail (shudder to even have to say that) I've been struggling with depression. The entire ordeal was a trauma, I'm not exercising, and not really eating, either. Everything has gone completely flat.
I told H that I'm having a lot of trouble with depression (which is something I would do in the past) and this time he mocked me. Told me if I was going to kill myself I needed to do it already. Said he's been through this before, and people who really commit suicide don't talk about it, they just do it.
After telling me I was responsible for destroying our family, this was just too much. How can I have forgotten this man is out to get me? Nothing good was going to happen the night he sprang his cheating on me. Nothing good could come of him daring me to give up. I've got to keep it at the front of my mind that H is my enemy right now. He's way better at manipulation than I am. He's been doing it for years, and I didn't notice.
I didn't notice this time, either, until now. I kept my bedroom door locked today, so he left me alone. I'm going to rent a storage unit asap and start packing the few things I want and storing them. I'm going to disappear when he's not paying attention. I may leave a list with my kids to pack for me. He'll pretend to be the good guy in front of them.
It is good that you realised that you have been triggered around the depression. And Yip the eat well, sleep well, move well mantra is so necessary to get it back in check.
A word about the depression and your H. It's none of his business. Your relationship with your depression is yours. No one else's. He doesn't get an opinion on it, if he can't choose to positively engage in stratgies to support your to manage it. then he is not entitled to know about it.
Also be clear about why you talk to H about your depression. For many months prior to BD I used my depression as means to manipulate my ex into behaving in ways that would demonstrate just how much he cared and valued me. It was part of my "little girl syndrome". I find it hard to ask to have my needs met in adult ways so I have developed "little girl" ways of asking for love and support.
As I said your depression is yours to manage. Be depressed if that is what you feel needs to happen right now. I would never tell anyone not to be. But keep yourself safe while you are in that space. Don't engage people who don't get it. Do what you can to lift your mood when you can.
My suggestion would to focus more on your relationship with your depression than your H as right now you likely have more control over that than H. Also your relationship with your depression is likely going to give you lot better results right now than H.
The moving your things sounds like a great idea. I know Lady V would be a strong advocate for creating separation from your H in a safe way. Lady V has probably already provided you with great advice in this area.
Keep posting lovely Ancaire. I don't want you to feel alone or without support.
Jelly, I suffer from major depressive disorder. Out of all the things I need to learn, managing this monster is at the top of the list. It has stolen so much from my life...I don't want to give it anymore.
As far as talking to H...I hate mentioning it to him, but he was heaping so much spew on me, I brought it up to let him know I was being overwhelmed. In the past, he would stop. New H just adds more hateful statements. Good to know - need to get better at faking.
Thanks for reaffirming I need to take care of basic needs to best manage my brain/moods: exercise, eat well, sleep well, look for positives. I've got bad behaviors so deeply ingrained, I always go right back to it. I need to make some sign for my mirror...
I too have had a lifetime of managing my mental health. I let it rule my life and emotions for far too long and I have lost two lovely men in my life because I let it become bigger than me. BD drop with Mr Ex, has held me accountable for letting my mental health become an unruly two year old or teenage, who I let determine the rules and was allowed free reign. I decided that this was no longer going to be my life. The depression was in my control and I actively needed to find the reasons, motivations, tools and strategies to keep it managed and under my control.
I have come to the understanding that there is a point for every person facing mental illness or issues that they have to take full responsibility for their presenting behaviours and actions that are informed by their illness. For me I had to stop making excuses that I felt bad, just because I felt bad, because of this, that and the other. I don't believe that I can absolutely control the depression that makes me feel so unwell and hopeless, but I can control the things that make me feel better and reduce the triggers that result in depressive episodes.
I used to hold my partners accountable for making my depression better. You would often find me saying to my partners "if only you did this, that and the other, my depression would not have been triggered". Well really what an immature and self defeating outlook. No one is responsible for my mood and health, happiness and well being but me.
So when I say to you Ancaire that your depression is not anyone else's business but yours, I really mean, it is your sole responsibility to live your life in a way that keeps you as happy and as healthy as you can be at any given time. Im not saying don't be depressed. Stuff that - that comment is for unempathetic people who have next to no understanding of the feelings of depression and impact on a life it can have. I am saying get your tools and strategies together that keep you well and use them. Crisis is the perfect time to identify and use them.
If you read my sitch at the beginning, you will find lots of references to my low mood, feelings of overwhelm and feelings of complete hopelessness. I worried lovely people, who had invested in me.
If my Dbing journey has taught me anything is that as newcomers to this Dbing sitch, we put our energy in the wrong places. Our focus is outside of ourselves in the places where we have next to no influence or control. One of the keys to DBing and finding peace, is realizing our circle of influence. And at the beginning that circle extends no further than tip of our noses. The focus needs to be within.
I discovered far too late to rescue my sitch that all I really had to do was keep myself, sane and safe, and the rest would look after itself. Initially anyway. I discovered that whenever I escalated, my Mr Ex would escalate the situation right back at me. Whenever I was calm and centred in on my own wellness and life, this was mirrored back by ex. Are there exceptions to this rule, of course. But the key is the sooner you get out of your S business the sooner you get control of your own.
Ancaire please focus on being well and staying well. I know for me control over my depression and anxiety has brought me so much freedom. The loss of Mr Ex, well I feel in some regards was worth this personal freedom.
And remember you are not your depression- you not defined by it unless you allow yourself to be. You are a thousand other things as well as being a person who manages a depressive illness. You got this Ancaire. Try not to get side tracked by things that are not relevant or are outside of your control. You have this I know it!
Jelly, I think you were sent to me! I've been so lost, trying to be brave and strong, succeeding in a few areas, but feeling like an utter failure in most. You encouraged me to read through your old threads, and I am in the midst of doing that.
I stopped for a second to come back here and thank you for pointing me in that direction! The information and strategies about self-healing and dealing with depression discussed by you and others is completely altering my outlook. For the first time, I'm starting to feel real hope that I can understand myself and learn what I need to in order to reinvent myself into a complete, whole, and healthy person.
Struggling with the feeling of being "broken" has seriously undermined my self-esteem. It's also put me in a position of being I'll-treated, because deep down, H' s treatment of me is a reflection of how I believe I deserve to be treated. It's not something I consciously do. I just don't think highly enough of myself to demand better.
I'll go back to reading your thread, and taking notes. The timing of this could not have been better...I was spiraling down. Thank you for being so honest in your situation. As I continue to learn, I will keep doing the same in mine.
I'm pleased you have found something in my journey that may help you on yours. The joy of DBing and being here on the boards, is that you are no longer alone in facing the demons or your "Monster" as you refer to it, that has been confronting you for years.
When I read the word "broken", it brings up so many thoughts and feelings of how I was this time last year. This time last year I was in Rarotonga with my mother. It had been a month since bomb drop and I was still managing the after shocks of a major mental health breakdown. I was having panic attacks, uncontrollable crying and almost constant thoughts of suicide. Even in Rarotonga I struggled to feel the warmth of the sun, see the blue of the sky, the beauty of the landscape, the hospitality of the people and the love and support of my mother. Things were very dark. Not only was I managing a long term feeling of being broken and never feeling like I fitted or belonged anywhere. I was so totally broken mentally and physically (my weight had ballooned by 10kgs in two months leading to bomb drop - I self medicate with food).
In a mere 12 months with a lot of focus on me, me making myself the number 1 and only priorty in my life and with the help of the boards and some very special connections and influences from certain people here, and with therapy and a sh*t load of patience with myself. I am probably the most psychologically and emotionally healthy I have ever been.
I haven't posted alot as I'm a rather shy and introverted personality. Deep thinker and sensitive soul. I was also very sad (as so many people here are at the beginning). But being here and feeling the companionship and acceptance has helped me become a companion to myself.
I have moments most days when I am not kind to myself. Negative self talk, bad food, not enough exercise, communicating with the wrong people who don't have my best interest at heart. I made a decision, I don't know when, I feel it was entirely unconscious but it was a decision, that I was going to view the way that I spoke to myself and how I treated my body as form of self abuse. That I was no better than the people who had neglected and abused me in a number of situations over a number of years. It had to stop.
And so it does with you too Ancaire. Your last posts tell me that you are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You know what that is don't you? That is you, your beginning to see your own light, beginning to see just how fantastically amazing you really are, with or without depression.
I have always loved Marianne Williamson's poem- shared to the world by Nelson Mandela:
Our Deepest Fear By Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small Does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking So that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, As children do. We were born to make manifest The glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; It's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, Our presence automatically liberates others.
This forum supports us to find our light and stand in it.
Take care today. Remember you owe yourself your best life. Remember your depression dosen't define you, it makes you!
