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MS, in my parenting agreement we have a stipulation that both parents may attend special events regardless of whose day it is. Would he say no if you asked to help see them off to school with him? (Would you be willing to do that for your kids, even though it would be difficult? )

Seems like an important day for both parents to be a part of, if possible.

We have that stipulation too, but first day of school is a funny one. We are allowed to attend any appointments and events regardless of whose day it is, but the first day of school is kind of iffy.

He does not want me at the house at all. We have been doing all of the kid exchanges in parking lots so there is no way he will let me in to help see them off--or even in the parking lot. I don't even think I am allowed to visit my neighbors who live in that housing complex. I was advised to make plans with them in other locations. Hopefully all of that will be cleared up after our next court date. H was a real piece of work, working the system to isolate me as much as possible. His girlfriend has been through it recently and knows all of the dirty tricks, apparently. And she managed to turn a decent man into this nasty individual.

I dunno. I mean, fine don't go to the house, but what if you met them at school to wish them well, greet the teacher, etc? Think creatively.


This is confusing. How can that be possible? Who "advised" you of that?

Mustardseed, I am confused too, I think you could visit anyone who you want?
But I am sorry that you won't be there on the first morning back to school. Good luck with your new apartment. You are a better woman than me, dealing with the OW, I don't think I'd be able to be civil.

Mustardseed,
How are things going?

Sorry I have been MIA. Court dates keep getting put off which means nothing much is changing--for example the bogus Order of Protection was supposed to be dealt with today but since it was just transferred from the family court judge to the supreme court judge so that it can be dealt with along with the divorce--the files haven't been delivered yet and it would have been a waste of time to go if that couldn't be dealt with. I just want it dropped. Also, he needs to start giving me temporary support to cover my expenses since he had me removed from the home. My credit cards are coming due soon and I don't have the money to pay them in full. I hate carrying a balance, but now I feel under the gun because I don't have enough cash on hand to cover the additional costs of having to move without any of my household stuff.

To clarify questions from my previous post:
The housing complex where I used to live (and he still lives) is part of campus housing where he works. I was advised to stay away. When my son wanted his bicycle I had to park at the end of the block so he could walk up to get it. The whole situation is just as inconvenient for H as it is for me but nothing can be done until we get in front of the judge. I believe he will drop it, or it will be thrown out. Worst case scenario it will become a two sided order with equal restrictions on both. But the date keeps getting pushed off so now it has been 3 months.

I ended up getting the kids after school the first day of school and had them until that Thursday. Last night was back to school night where, of course, H and OW were the first people I saw. She bolted when she saw me. H wouldn't make eye contact even when I was trying to be civil by saying hello--so I just pretended he was invisible every time I had to cross paths with him the rest of the night.

I noticed that I am much friendlier now around other parents because I'm not so worried about what he thinks and how I am representing him--so in some ways it was less stressful than in the past. I got a lot of compliments on how I am looking--and of course me reading into those compliments wonder if it is because they know my situation and are being kind out of pity, or if it was just genuine kindness. But I decided to stop overthinking and just accept the compliments at face value. I am much lighter in spirit than I have been the past couple of years and I'm sure that shows. Plus I am tan since I had a lot of time to spend at the beach this summer.

My biggest issue right now is trying to figure out what is best for the kids. This is going to be a pretty challenging year academically for my son, and he had a hard enough time with his organization and time management just going between school and one home. H is still insisting on 50/50 residential custody but I am starting to wonder if maybe alternating full weeks rather than splitting weeks might be better for consistency.

The whole situation seems unfair to them. Why do they have to be ping pong balls between homes? How is this right for them? I really don't want my marriage back. I have zero respect for that man--there is not 1 iota of attraction left. His teeth are all turning black, his beard is unruly, the thought that I used to kiss him makes me nauseated. Even his voice last night, when he had to say his schpeal about the athletics program was grating. But, the kids deserve to have one home base where they can establish a real routine.

I'm still waiting for him to finalize an appointment with a therapist for them. Says he left a message last week. Well, call again!!

I'm in a pretty bad way today. Angry and feeling the urge to be condescending to him. Also, I have been lonely and this loneliness I think is causing a premature attachment to a man I met over the summer. We went out a few times and have fun conversations over the phone or text. I made it clear I am not looking for a relationship. But when he kind of disappeared after hinting he wanted to get together I noticed it bothered me. I think that is a warning sign that I need to distance myself and keep busy with solo activities. Hopefully once I start working again I won't feel so lonely when I don't have the kids anymore.

I did a beach hike with a meet up group and ended up having a really good time and getting drinks afterwards with one of the guys on the hike. I think that developing friendships like that might be a better focus for me. Unfortunately most of the meetups that I am interested in happen on the weekends, when I have the kids. And when I have the kids I don't need to find other things to do with my time--I have lots of things I enjoy doing with them. I guess if we change the residential custody schedule I will be able to try some of the other meetup activities.

I guess I am really just in this place of trying to figure out this new phase of my life that I never wanted. It isn't easy, but it isn't all bad. It's just hard to figure out what is the best course of action with so many things.

Oh, and as for the first day of school, he had his annual photo op (which I know is why he was insistent on having them that morning). I always would take a picture of him holding both of them, it is getting funnier as the kids get bigger. I picked them up after school and they stayed with me until Thursday. He had a neighbor take the picture this year apparently. He sent me a picture of the kids, but not that one.

He is trying to be accommodating, I think. He isn't saying no to anything I ask for, time with the kids, time with the dog, items from the house, but he just ignores anything that has to do with the case. He was supposed to arrange a time with me where I could get into the house with a moving truck and some helpers to get my grandmother's furniture and the rest of my stuff. My lawyer has sent his lawyer numerous letters about it. They had already verbally agreed but nothing has happened. When I ask him about it he plays dumb. Same with having me swing by the house to make it easier for him when I have to do pick up--he is running back and forth to get the dog and the kids stuff after school in between school and coaching. He plays dumb as if he wasn't the one who set up this arrangement. Saying, "Oh, I don't want to violate the order". It is your ridiculous order, dumbass! And it is against me, not you. The funny thing is that I don't even think it is him being a jerk, I think it is really just him being an idiot--I really think he doesn't understand what he did. It must be nice to be so clueless.

OK, rant over.Better I get it out here so it doesn't come out IRL.

Lovely to have you back Msd. I think of you often and the resolution of your sitch.

I reflect on how brave you were and that you did not give in.

WH is imagining what he would do if he is in your shoes, he is afraid of the consequences, I think. Can you find a middleman to get your stuff. If WH is hanging on to it then he may be feared of legal action if he doesn't hand it over. Head up arse is an impossible position to hold. Could you 'guilt' him?

V

Thanks V. Your perspective on what H is going through is interesting. I didn't even think of that. As far as getting my things, it might end up taking a court order if he doesn't respond soon. I don't know if it is him or his lawyer that is holding it up. He is famous for putting things off indefinitely. I can't believe that I am still putting my life on hold for him. I can't wait for that to be done.

This is going to be one hell of a school year. Both D12 and OW D made the soccer team so there will be a lot of encounters in addition to the normal school stuff that comes along with OW being one of Ds teachers. I think that employing as many DB tactics as possible will be essential. Especially acting as if. One thing I refuse to do is hide. Right now it seems to be OWs MO. She runs whenever she sees me. I have to stop worrying about who knows what when I am at these events, and I have to stop wondering who is taking sides. I will just act as if everyone is on my side. I won't discuss anything I don't feel comfortable discussing, and I won't be dishonest if anyone asks me about the situation. I will not cover up, nor will I slander (but God is that so tempting). However, I will not pretend that she is a friend and I will let their actions dig their own graves.

I think of how much strength it took to survive the end of the school year last year with my job. I still don't know how I did it. I am still shell shocked by the entire experience. But I managed that situation, and I can manage this situation. God help me.

I think maybe WH is afraid, he and the OW are very vulnerable, I am sure PAs are very frowned on in the work place by them that are. So would breaches of court orders be a detriment. The power is yours to watch OW scuttle about like a hang dog, she will be ashamed and deeply afraid.

The more visible you are, the stronger you are the better. Have a great social life, be involved in school activities. Hold your head high, look absolutely gorgeous, sassy, sexy, positive and amazing.

My sense is that a threat alone of a court order is enough. Even getting one won't do you any harm.

I know how you managed last year, I walked some of it with you and believe me I am very impressed. You worked very hard, stayed very positive, used grit, gumption and despite everything including nasty abuse, gas lighting and deception you made it.

That is the measure of Msd, my internet friend of I whom I am so proud and pleased.

This is just a small itch in comparison, a tiny hurdle. You are absolutely a wonderful treasure and support to me.

V