Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Time to let go ....How (4)

I too was certain 100-200 posts tops and I would have my marriage back and would have been outta here.... A lot to be said with that mind set along with setting any timelines which I STILL struggle with , though I've been better

The fixer thing is an issue, one I had to conquer... "My dads a television repairman, I can fix it" http://youtu.be/A5cneCgNA9U. I llooked at it from above, was I really fixing? No... It was me regaining some semblance of control back with fear being the motivator... This really was masked pursuing but I like you would use kids, my character, morals as the "reason" I fixed..... This hampered detachment ... Severely.

I had a eureka moment, was teaching S to ride his bike... He could not learn to balance and go alone until I took the training wheels off and gave him a push... He needed to ride alone to build his confidence just as I did... And just as my W did.... No lessons for either of us if we held on to each other.... I learned when she let me go what was really important to me.... Took me doing the same for her to realize the song was over.

Focus on the kids... Practice patience with them... As I learned , little is more attractive than a strong man who is an excellent father. Stop doing things for her, to get a reaction from her, be your own man... You'll be better off for it

thanks Cali, you are right about the fixing and finding a way to stop. I feel i am doing better and will get in below.


Update
Not a whole lot. As i mentioned yesterday i found myself still rushing to fix things for her when i said i may not be able to. Got kids and took them for some dinner. Rushed home to do homework, baths, snack of course! and get ready for bed. W came home and ate and took care of herself. she then comes to me and says she just got notification that the kids new mattresses were delivered to her new place at 8pm and she needed to go get them inside. Normally I would have offered to help or even do this for her. My response was OK. Got kids in bed and that was that.

ZThis morning was the ususal routine. S had his preschool halloween program at school. W had to run back to her new place as she forgot the costume he wanted to wear there. I took s to school and met her there. We had some time before the program so we were walking out and i decided to stay there because the parking gets bad and seats are limited. I saved two extra seats, one for her and one for her best friend who has a S that goes there. (this is the friend who is recently divorced from a bad situation but lives a pretty good life from well of parents, i know really helpful to me and my situation!) They both get there and everything is like no big deal, like she isnt moving etc..W friend has a baby girl that just started walking and is with her. I know her and she for some reason loves me. She is in my lap the entire time giving me kisses and hugs and just making me hold her. It was great. Show ended, little man did great. he used to not sing at all but now has taken a liking to it. I was making faces the entire time and he just kept waving to me.

stopped in calssroom and said goodbye to him and head ed to work. Got a text message from W best friend thanking me for haolding daughter. I told her it was great and brought back great memories of my kids being that size. also told her how awesome she was. she replied back thank you and she definitley loves you. I feel bad for her situation as her ex was a piece of work. She did ask me when W walked away how the kids were with everything which i found strange as she and W talk and text literally 1000 times a day. Maybe she knows they open up to me more. I jst said that we will see how they handle the actual final move day and i will make sure they are ok.

well i will get back around later today, ant get to the gym as my old age has set in and strained my forearm. [censored]

lol

Hi otw,

I know moving is so hard. you get pounded by thoughts that now that you are out of sight, you will be out of mind. But if you are prepared to deal with these thoughts maybe it will go more smoothly for you. Trying to figure out what they are thinking will not help you in one tiny way.

Just keep thoughts on you. You are doing great!

Mona, thank you. I am prepared in that manner of thinking. I have given up on her thinking a long time ago, nothing makes sense as i will shoe below.



updates
Past few days have been the usual routines. Kids have been busy with school and all of the Halloween stuff to go along with that.

I have had some communication with the L regarding the separation agreement W had drafted. It was basically what i though when i heard she found someone to do it for 250.00. Garbage. My L said it could be good or bad that it was so awful because if it was ever needed to be thrown out of court it would be easy.
Some of the details were the following:
they tried to put in that the spousal support would not be taxable to her and i could not deduct it, LOl federal law states otherwise.
She wanted the child support but i still pay the preschool expenses solely.
But the big thing was the support numbers. When L ran the support numbers again to add that i would pay for preschool to recalculate we noticed and error. The spousal support never transferred over to that spreadsheet and when it was fixed there was a significant drop in the amount i will have to pay to her!

I am very curious how this is going to go.

I started laying some ground work regarding this last night as she wanted to discuss a schedule for the kids. we did that and at first she wanted to disagree with the schedule i mentioned which was actually something she put together. After her initial disagreement and her trying to figure something else she realized it was the best option.

I have found this to be the case a lot lately. No matter what is being discussed she thinks what i say is the most ridiculous thing she has ever heard and gets immediately defensive. She ends up getting ready to turn into an argument and i just stop. I am not sure if things were always this way or not but i have noticed it recently. If she is not getting her way or someone doesnt agree then it is a huge problem.

So i let her know i expected the agreement back this morning and would send to her and that the other seemed to be a little shaky fro what attorneys have said.

A few weeks ago i sent W an email regarding some activities to do with the kids for around halloween and if she wanted we could do them all together. she agreed and we have done all but one so far. this is going to an amusement park near us that does a whole halloween themed deal. I mentioned going last weekend but she was too busy moving, i mentioned we could go another date and told her when i was thinking. She has never mentioned another word to me. So i made plans to go. I let her know yesterday and she kind of sounded shocked. I told her she is still more than welcome to go, but i never heard anything else from her so assumed she didnt want to go. She stated that it is not that she doesnt want to go but she has been so busy trying to move, then here is the kicker, in the same breath she said she is going to go out tomorrow night with a friend.
So in my head i am thinking, you have been and are so busy moving that you can not spend time with your kids at an amusement park, but you have the time to go out with friends both of the past two weekends. This is where i said i can not try understanding what she is thinking.

On that note, i think it is better that she is not going with us as she did not go last time as well and we had a blast.

So this is the last few days we will be in the same house. I am expecting her to be out sunday night. I guess at that point i will start going pretty dim with the communication with her except for the logistics of the kids. should be interesting.

If you read enough here, listen to the vets, and learn as you go... You will discover that the WW/WAW have had this whole thing planned out. They did not just all the sudden jump off the tracks. In their heads they have a clear picture of what the separation, D, custody, spousal support, even the A should look like. By now you've gathered a little that she views you as the minor roadblock between her and this picture/fantasy she has created.... Which represents her complete happiness. So just accept this is how she is, and when reality starts exposing this fantasy and it's not matching up to what she thought it would be she will spew and scream it's not fair.... If that doesn't set you straight maybe she will get nice and tell you she wants an amicable D (amicable meaning you give in to her demands)
Just know this is what's going on, hold your ground here and protect yourself as you have been doing


In the future ... Mention you are taking the kids to Scaryville on (whenever) if she would like to go.... Cool.... But do not go out of your way to accommodate and push back your plans .... Let her be wushu washy, if she would rather paint her toenails than spend time with you and the kids at an event that's her deal.... You pursued here... Last weekend you should have just gone with the kids and had a great time showing her you will not wait around for her to clear time in her schedule

This is just you being hurt talking here....along with trying to minidress... You can not control her
On that note, i think it is better that she is not going with us as she did not go last time as well and we had a blast.


Again... This is time for you, to heal and rebuild ... Use it wisely and allow her go in her own journey

Oh boy, where to begin.

Updating since last time. So took kids to amusement park friday. W TM a few times asking if we got there ok. I replied and told her i would send her some pictures of the kids. We had a blast, they were talking about this for 2 months and all the bravery they had disappeared when the people dressed up started showing up at night! It is ok they were ready to go at thatp point anyway. Went home and got everyone situated for bed. W was out with friend. I woke up around 3 am and she was not home. Even through all of in house separation this never happened. I know i prob shouldnt have but i called to check on her and make sure she was ok. No answer. Waited 15 mintues and called again as now i was kind of concerned. She answered and said she was almost hom and made some excuse about friend getting left and having to drive and she was almost home. I am not sure i believe her, but oh well at this point.

Saturday, i had to go and start doing some errands and looking at some furniture for the house after she leaves then get ready for trick or treating. I finally decided i needed to send the Separation agreement that L gave back to me. To remind you, when i first contacted L they ran some numbers for support for me and i gave them to W. She had those numbers entered into her separation agreement. Well when L reviewed the doc she ran the numbers again due to a change and realized the alimony did not transfer to the child support page and when she fixed it lowered the overall number a decent amount.

I had been a little worried about the reaction to be honest. She came home after me that day and then saw it when she came home. She was not happy. She started yelling and slamming doors. Saying we can just go to the f*&$%*@ courts. I prob should have let her be, but i figured we needed to have this talk either way. I approached her and began to explain why the difference. She was not really listening to reason and was not hearing me. Told me she has made financial decisions based on that money etc...I used this time to tell heri undertand and validated a bit, but i also told her that this was her decision and i can not afford myself to pay more than the state will tell me to pay. She kept thinking she will get something different if she gets a L involved. I calmly told her that is fine and she should have it looked at.

I used this time to make sure she knew that i am not trying to cheat anyone and I am still very concerned about making sure her and the kids are taken care of. She began to tell me that she will nto be able to make it financially with the amount i am telling her. I calmly told her that i ran the numbers in my head from the other amount and wasnt sure how she would make it on that either with the choices she has made with bills.

This went on for a little bit and was left with me assuming she will be contacting a L to deal with things. The big part of all of this is this is the first time i have seen her cry about anything since BD. I ma not sure if it because she was mad or feeling the reality of the situation.

We had to let go of this and put game face on for Halloween as we had people coming over, her divorce3d friend and kids and my mother. I had bought some food to put out for everyone and needed to get it done.

So friend shows up with two kids and her mother and her new boyfriend. My mother came then we had another couple that we are friends with show up with their son as well. OUr neighborhood is a good area for the kids. I made sure to push all of this out of my head and make the day about the kids. I was carrying friends little girl for her and taking the kids up to all of the doors and having fun. We wrapped up the evening and everyone left. I got the kids ready for bed then i left them for W to handle as i decided to go meet some friends for a while. I figured some time away would probably be a good thing at the moment.

So Sunday comes and this is supposed to be the official move out day. I had grocery shopping and house shopping to do, took S4 with me and was gone all day. Heading home and she TM that D7 is at neighbors playing and she was over at her house getting things done. I took this as ok, she is moved out. Got home and did some stuff and cooked dinner for me and kids. D7 called W and she said she was coming by for a little bit. She came over as we were finishing dinner. I told her there was plenty left for her if she wanted some. She ate and then hung out for a little while. Watched ipad with D7. I was getting them bathed and ready for the week. I asked W if she wanted to bathe D7 and she said yes. I always do this.

Got everything done and she got ready to leave. She was hugging the kids and saying good bye. I opened the door for her and wanted to give her a hug so badly. I didnt. We did have a moment just looking at each other in the eyes. She left.
Pretty emotional time for me but i had to be strong for the kids.
Got a TM from her around 845 asking if the kids were still awake. She know they are normally in bed at that point. S4 was asleep but D7 was awake. I let D facetime with her for a few minutes. I did not really communicate with her yesterday at all.

So that is my long weekend. Kids are with me for next two days, then go to her. That will be very hard when the house is empty. I thought i was prepared for this moment but the reality is hard. Looking at an empty closet or where all of her things used to be. D7 kept telling her to just decide to move back, that is hard.

Me.. I am ok i guess. As i said emotional time and i know i will be this way for a few days, but i have a lot to do and will get busy soon. Just going to need the next few days getting used to doing everything and running around like crazy handling kids when i would normally be working and tey were with W.

I thought i was getting to a point where i was ok, but this made realize i still love her and miss her alot.

Stay strong buddy.

I'm practically in your shoes. I'm 38, W 35, D6 and S3, BD last year and yes, she moved out.

It gets better, it really does...

Hey OTW,

That was emotional, your doing good. What have you been doing to GAL?

i have no doubts that it will get better as it did the from the BD day. Just one of those times i knew i had to go through.

thank you

I am sorry O, that is rough. You sound like you are doing really well with the kids, stay strong. Take care of yourself, take it one day at a time, and you are absolutely right, this is just one of those times and you will get through.