Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Re: She Wants Me to Leave....3rd Time in 4 Years 2

At the moment there is only resentment from W. Its growing - like a cancer. Our M has never had this except after the BD's. A M cannot grow in this environment.
Giving her what she wants is counter-intuitive but will release the tension, reduce or eliminate the resentment.Its detachment. Its distancing.

Then as time goes on separation becomes real,it focuses her mind. Does she want this? Maybe yes. OK we separate. I am still the Father of our boys, she still wants me to have a full and active role in their lives, she doesnt want to damage them. Ultimately a D will damage us all.

I will use it as a LRT.

By separation do you mean move out?

I will not move out of my house. I told my wife right after this started if she doesn't like it here move out. 3 months later she moved into the den but will not move out of the house because of the kids.

Yes I mean move out. As a means to break the impasse. I would have the legal right to move back in again if necessary.

As I work away from home maybe 80 nights a year, I can not be the primary carer for my children. Therefore W is the primary carer.

I cant sleep . Too many thoughts, need to release them.

I keep thinking back over the last few months and have started to realize how much W has dialled me out of her life. I then looked further back.

I looked at her FB page and flicked through the dozens of mobile photos she uploaded over the past year. I am in 3. Most of the rest are her and her friends on nights out or events and of course lots of the boys.

Then I started to think further back to Oct 2014 when I last confronted her about the state of our M and how it needed to change. At the time I complained about the lack of QT leading to lack of intimacy and lack of sex. I asked for more QT. She conceded and we went out a few times - movies and meals and a weekend was arranged in London, they all seemed contrived. The weekend away was 2 months on in Dec 2104 and we had a big row when drunk and I complained again about lack of QT and how I loved her but she wouldn't allow us to connect. Lots of tears lead to make up sex and her saying she would try harder.

But in hindsight it was all a sham. She pretended to connect and still used the other good parts of our M to keep things ticking along. I was a good H doing a fair share of housework, helping with the boys after school activities, babysitting when she wanted to go to the gym, or go out with the girls, being supportive when she had problems at work etc etc. All those things I am good at. At the same time I get words of appreciation, cards at valentines xmas , birthday etc and I think I'm doing a good job! (except the sex)

She cut me out of her social life and her sex life, slowly but surely over the months whilst using the other aspects of R as her BFF. I'm just seeing the light.

This has been going on for probably 18 months.

So now what do I do? This weekend she hasn't called and only sent a txt about a delivery she's expecting. Again all about her.

Hoe do I make a goal which seeks to improve our R in the environment?

Would your wife make an honest attempt to reconcile with you?

Funny, my wife did the same thing with the pictures and social media, I noticed it a year ago actually. But silly me, didnt read into it very well.

I wanted to come here and try and help you out! But from just one post I see a lot of similarities with our situations.

I will be back to try and help with goals! But the default advice I keep getting is set a goal for yourself, not the R. She seems focused on herself, which isn't wrong until it becomes destructive. And I wish I knew what would snap her out something like that.

What you described about going to sex shops, buying things, etc., isn't FLIRTING. She wants to be SEDUCED. She wants you to make love to her head not her body. When you do that, you are going to do two things... One, it will give her the SPICE she craves and it will give you the QT you want.

You've heard it said that a woman's desire is like a candle, whereas a man's is like a light switch. That's what she wants and needs often.

Mr Bond - Thanks for taking the time to read my thread.

You are correct. I am not very good at seduction, flirting, etc and am relatively shy around girls unless I have a drink inside me. I am slightly (not wholly) introverted with a small group of close friends (all male). Most of my female friends are other school moms, or spouses of male friends, family, and one or two from my time in London.

I understand my failings and know if we do Reconcile I will have to change and step up to the plate. I need to learn to flirt, seduce, initiate and be more romantic. Will I get the chance? Maybe.

The sex toys and sexy lingerie were joint ideas but buying the stuff is easy. Using it is harder especially when I dont even know which cupboard she has stored them in!

Today W rang me and explained that she hadnt rung me at the weekend due to no phone signal. This is partially true but she could have rang with a little effort. The truth is it wasn't a priority for her as her priority is to escape the sitch at home. She had the best nights sleep for 3 weeks.

I was a little morose last night as I had had a few beers with friends watching a soccer game. I am feeling more positive this morning and have drafted a letter to give to W when the timing is right.

The correct timing will be when resentment and rebellion are reduced or gone. It will be handwritten.

I wrote her a letter back in 2012 when we separated briefly for 3 weeks and I know she keeps it in the bedside draw along with many of my Valentines, Xmas, Anniversary and Birthday cards I have sent over the years.

After reconciliation on 2012 she stated the letter had influenced her thinking so I will write another. Timing is crucial.

Tonight I will be going to my first salsa dancing lesson. W doesn't know yet. I wont tell her unless she asks.

I am slightly terrified but also excited at the prospect. Dancing is such a good way to connect with other people.

Wedding rings off .....feeling gutted!

W rang during car journey home and seemed upbeat apologising for lack of phone signal.

Once home she was more frosty and going about things in a busy businesslike way. She went out for an 'appointment' (her words) at 2 but was back for 2:20. She went to the shopping area of where we live but not sure why.

Then I noticed her wedding rings off in a small jewellery closed box on the dressing table. She goes for a short 10 minute run every day and takes them off and puts them back on again after a shower. Today she didn't. I'm gutted and cant help but be more suspicious about an EA/PA.

She did take them off when we had an inhouse separation back in 2012 - so its not new.

She has spent the last 2 weekends at either her sisters place or old friends - probably validating her feelings about why the M should end.