Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Yesterday's gone. Tomorrow's not here.

If it helps my goals are split 4 ways:
Kids
GAL
W
Personal

The ones relating to W are all to do with our interactions. They are small but achievable if consistently applied.

I make sure I start each goal with 'I will....'
Check my thread

See... this is what I mean.. It is confusing when those things are called 'goals'. They should be called something different. In the book, those things are clearly being defined as goals:

In reference to goals, "do they describe the actual behavior you are *hoping* to see when your marriage improves..."

But getting back on track, understanding that I have my measurable goals working on myself, are the 'goals' I listed in regards to step 2 formed correctly? With as little contact as I have with my wife, this is very important. The whole point of these signs or 'goals' is so that you don't miss the little trees buried in the forest. So for me, I do not have any contact really at the moment, that is the forest, very, very easy to get discouraged. I need to see the little signs of improvement that might be buried. That is what I get out of reading step 2.

Try not to overthink things. It's easy to start overanalyzing what you think would work or won't work. In the end, just do what you feel comfortable with.

And to confuse things more, there is detaching The goals won't have that feeling of disappointment if you are detached from the situation. You are working on your goals, meeting as many of the personal ones as you can, and looking for signs that some of the ownes related to your spouse are coming around.

Thanks for the comments. I think I am getting back on track. I'll keep on working on making myself better, that helps and is fun anyway. In the meantime, I'll be on the look out for small signs of improvement while implementing the DB'ing techniques. I think my plan in regards to my wife now is minimal contact rather than strict no contact following flight's suggestions and example. If/when I reach out again I'll play it out on here first. This situation of separation with basically no contact is tough, not much that I can do. I guess I can make less mistakes though. Hard to have hope but I believe that we have something.

Pinn, I think your approach makes sense. So long as you focus on you and improving yourself, I think you'll find will bring higher confidence and strength from which you can continually review your interactions with your wife as they occur. I know with the minimal interactions I have with my WW now, I have little to no expectations to negative or positive outcomes of our discussion ( which is more business like when we talk ). I too look at small positives like when WW shares small things in texts once in a while, but still don't hold expectations nor mind read how she feels which is tough.

Just wanted to say I feel parallel line to your thoughts above.

I was thinking about detaching and realized that I was far from detached during the 2.5 months of NC. I would think about how many days it had been everyday since we had contact. That is definitely not detached. Have to work on that. it is actually already better. The book also explains that things take a lot longer to play out in my situation. That should improve my patience.


No more mr nice guy might be next based on what I have been reading in other threads. Probably applicable too me.

Enigma, thanks for your words.

What things? She is not telling the person the goals to set. She is trying to teach how to set goals, b/c many people do not know how. She is giving three rules to relationship goal setting. Rule1: Know what you want. Rule 2: Think action. Rule 3: Think small.

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
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Thanks for reposting that Sandi. I'll have to print that out.