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Well have not talked to ex since Wednesday I know it is only 2 days but its a good starting place. I will be busy this weekend with a concert a few hours away so that will help then it is back into a busy busy week. still have a lot of digging deep and work on myself to go but I will keep plugging along

Hi 4my - good for you. And the important thing to remember is you're not NC to provoke a reaction. You're NC because he is in a R with someone else and you have your own life to live. You don't need to be texting good morning to someone else's boyfriend...

Sometimes a bit of NC makes a WAS sit up and take notice - but best not to 'look for' that. Just live your own life and let him get on with his life for now. Maintain your own principles and work on your growth. I had an absolute realisation recently that the person I grow into being as a result of this experience is so much more important than whether my H and me get back together again.

You are doing well 4my....enjoy your weekend xx

HI sotto. Concert was great had so much fun just going out me and a friend. It was something I really needed. Yes NC is for me so I can lovingly detatch a little bit. It makes me sad to not contact him but I believe it may be what is best for me. I do hope it makes him take notice but I certainly do not count on it. He is living in bliss happy happy happy in the euphoria so there is no reason he would take notice. As long as it works to help me detatch I will do good with it. I just keep reminding me its for me. Its for me to grow and learn its for my sanity its for detatchment which is all for me!

it has now been 5 days. my daughters dad is planning to take all the girls this weekend he asked me if I wanted to talk to ex about ir or him. As hard as it was to give up the opportunity for a "reason" to talk to ex I asked that he contact him and make plans. I love ex to death but I need separation also. I felt like that was a big step for me as typically I am looking for reasons for contact. No reason to if he wants the girls he can ask for them.

I am also planning to send an e-mail to him and his mom about some upcoming activities for my daughter. I will state to his m
MIL:
HI XXXX
I figured your school e-mail was best to let you know that D has gymnastics meets XXXX days. I am not sure of times yet we will be told 3-4 weeks in advance and I will let you know more details as soon as I have them. I figured since your phone does not always work this would be best. I will also be adding them to the calendar but wanted to make sure that you were aware of them.
Love 4my and D


EX- D has meets coming up on XXXXX I do not know times as of yet but I will let you know when I am made aware of them.
Thanks 4my

D and I are back to our very busy weeks. Gymnastics dance gymnastics meeting Fridays are free but I believe she is going to my moms Friday then her dads with the other to Saturday so I shall be making plans!

So 4my,

Tell me about the plans, sounds exciting.

V

4my,

I am hearing, reading and following along, not posting much as I have had a couple of difficult weeks with my Fins.

Take your time, sweetheart, you have come a long way in such a short time. Some small and some really big spell breaks.

I have always felt that for 4my it is knowledge and learning that will have the biggest effect and make the greatest changes. I am very sure of it, you are very hungry for learning. It may be time to focus on you now, your GAL and your future with your beautiful lively happy D.

Lets just briefly discuss the key areas that would most help you. I see this as understanding both boundaries and detachment, so we can now cherry pick and move forward in these two specifically.

detatching is doing something for you which moves you forward, it can be a 180, or an adjustment to something which isn't quite working. In doing things for you which help you become the best 4my, you are moving forward. When you are working on you, you do so irrespective of the outcome on your R. Your primary aim is yourself.

That is letting go of the outcome or result on the R. Detaching isn't letting go of your WP, or a new R, you can still stand. There is no need to resist detaching from the outcome, ironically doing so whilst counter intuitive is more likely to create a positive outcome.

Let me just illustrate what I think, by becoming independent you are beginning to detach from your WP and think less emotionally. Of course we all have times when our thinking isn't bang on. Just forgive yourself, learn from it and move on. Its ok. After all new skills take practice, we don't say about a baby who is learning to walk and falls over, "hey that baby is no good at walking better stop them trying". We let the baby toddle, sit down, grab on to furniture and eventually they walk. So it is with us, all new skills take time.

its going to be ok, you are getting more knowledge becoming stronger, making more insights. Detaching.

It is great to see and read about.

Just see how much you have achieved and look forward to more. Take your time, that's your journey, no one else can do this for you. The GAL part is great fun too.

I would let the interaction about Wednesday go, just note it carefully for next time. What will you chose to do differently if it does happen again?

How can you detach and allow OW to be a mere nuisance rather than a focus?

I hope we are good?

Hugs

V

V- HI yes we are fine! My plans for tonight are to relax at home by myself and get some things done I have been putting off. going through some boxes I have yet to unpack! just enjoying some down time. Tomorrow I work and then I will be helping a friend move. Sunday I asked Ex if I could take kids to pumpkin patch and told him if he would like to come to let me know. Detatching is very hard. but it needs to be accomplished. I have spent some time with him and the kids this week and it has all been pretty positive. I did mess up and slept with him again BUT for the first time I actually felt guilty about it disappointed with myself which are feelings I had not felt about the situation before. To me it means my self esteem must be growing because I instantly thought ha ha (towards OW) then the next thought was how could I put myself in this situation. I worked so hard to get out of this and I just let myself down. It really made me unhappy with myself. I feel that is a growing self-esteem. I do not want to be second I do not want to be the OW so I guess in a way I am glad it happened and I am glad I felt that way. Now next time I should be able to say no. I also then rationally thought to myself if I continue doing that it will only mean he can/will continue his R with her so I would be facilitating what is going on. I then decided I need to detach more so other than my text about the orchard sunday I will not be texting him unless he texts me. It was weird that he was so nice to me and we went that far because I hadn't talked to him in 5 days. So I assume it may have been his way to pull me back in. As I grow in strength, self-esteem and much more I believe it will be easier to set that boundary. I have also attended Al-anon last night and been texting with the leader and we went through a chapter about taking care of yourself. It was very overwhelming so I told her I would go through it a few times and compile a list of ways I can take care of me! I am also working on finding a new job and getting debt paid off. When I do move from my dads house I would like to start fresh! Thanks V for posting. I hope you are doing well!

4my

ML is a big issue especially with an OW in the mix. You did use protection didn't you?

Another pregnancy may be a problem or an STD.

I am not anti ML, it is another connection and as long as it's your choice it's not an issue in my view. But safety is, and using ML as a revenge tactic will only work once. What happens with the next OW?

As long as you are safe and happy.

My post fits with your AA meeting too. More damage than you know was done by your alcoholic parent. It's great you are resolving it.

V

Having a very emotional day today. I just want to sit and cry. I am missing my Ex and just want this nightmare to be over. I have spent a lot of time with him this last week and we have been sitting on the couch together. I think it is making me more attatched so I need to back off again for my own sanity. I have been pursuing and sending texts like hope you have a great day sexy. And He did ask me to stop with the sexy ones but nothing else. I know I should not do it and it has only caused me pain as he has not reciprocated it so At least I learned a lesson. I need to back away a little more again. I have been trying to do acts of service for him (cleaning taking out trash ect) but again I think I went overboard pretty much taking care of everything. I also need to back off of that too. I know I cant just completely stop or it will give the impression I was only doing it for results. (filling the love tank) So I think I will set my goal to do one or two nice things a week and stop the pursuing text messages. I even realized myself and talked to my leader and told her that I was still enabling him to have both again. I can not let this happen. I can not allow myself to be second choice all the time. I am better than that. I know I do not want him back if he does not want to come back but It hurts so much. I am just ready for it to be over and be normal again.

Hi 4my, sorry you're having a tough day. Hey listen, from what you post you need to do a reset my friend. Sounds like you had a backslide these past couple of weeks. Are you still working on your codependent no more workbook??

Just think - do you really want to chase after some guy whose in a R with someone else?? You can do this my friend....refocus on you, your D and where you are heading..


xx