Sorry it's taking me so long to tell my story. It's so painful writing this stuff.
I already know about what's happened with him. I pieced it together. I think both times, he's been dazzled by the fact that women have obviously liked him, and he's not set a boundary, but egged them on for more excitement.
In summer 2012 he had a very, very brief thing with a much, much younger woman. He was only ever going to see her for a week, she was on the other side of the world from where we live, and she was absolutely no 'threat' to his life here. But the strain of that (and his work) lead him to collapse when he came home and be hospitalised. Doctors didn't know what was wrong with him.
A few months after that, autumn 2012, I think he may have started this thing with this other colleague...much more of a threat since they were working together for longer.
Spring 2013, he made it seem like it was my fault he'd fallen out of love with me, and my responsibility to bring the spark back. I, being a nice and trusting person, accepted that and tried. But clearly my trying made him feel even worse. And it made me physically quite ill in the end as well, as I was soaking up all his stress as well.
I found out the extent of his affair this time last year and asked him (very calmly) to explain. He told enough of the truth to satisfy himself, and enough of the truth for me to understand the whole truth.
That Sunday when he exploded at me, he also told me that he didn't know who he was any more. That he wanted the adrenaline rush of pursuing other women and also loved our hum drum life at home. I guess I've allowed that situation to happen and continue.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure he's going to get in touch with her again now.
My plan is to leave him to it. I've not answered the text he sent me about separating and I'm not going to. What even does 'separating' mean? It's such a vague word. Part of me is thinking he's trying to get a reaction out of me, trying to get me to lose it, and say I want a divorce so that he can say 'my wife wants a divorce'. And also so I'm the one sorting it all. He'll be the poor victim in all of this.
If he calls, I'll see how I feel about answering. I may, or may not.
I've always been at his beck and call, and helped him with everything (he hates doing anything practical to do with running even his own life). He's already re-written history, and changed that act of kindness to me being controlling and interfering. So that's all his responsibility now. I can use that energy for myself.
If it gets to the point where he is asking me for a divorce, well, he can organise that too.
Not even a little. From this point forward, when something happens stop and see how it will benefit you. It is so hard, but you have to turn the focus on you now. You will find it so, so hard, but you have to.
Lets start by gathering 2 or three personal goals to help you. Goals that will be only for you to make you happy.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I have a specific question, and then I'll think about goals.
So, my specific question is this...
His mother has some money to give me. She actually texted me a few hours after the texted me a week ago saying he thought it was best if we separated. She was hoping to arrange a time to meet up that evening to give me the money.
I reckon he may have told her, and wanted to check out how I was reacting?
Anyway, I was genuinely busy with work, so I missed her text and would have been back too late to meet her.
I texted her to ask if she could post me a cheque, and she has suggested meeting this evening and giving it to me in person.
So, do I go along, meet her and GAL? Or do I make reference to his affairs and say he is just doing what he wants to do and that is up to him (with absolutely no trace of bitterness in my voice)?
Enjoy a more present and meaningful interaction with other people (eg work colleagues)? Meaning I'm genuinely interested in what is going on in their lives and take time to listen.
Take time to do a few more things that are entirely for myself? Like, going to see things I know I will enjoy seeing. Maybe with others, but also definitely by myself? Things I know I will enjoy for sure, and maybe a couple of new things too? Make a list of these and do one or two a week.
Take time to enjoy being in my house, and take a little care of it. Like, I've started painting all the woodwork...
Take time to look after myself: regular sleep, regular time at home chilling out, making sure I look nice.
One thing I've noticed since he's left, is that the ever present, increasingly draining, existential angst that I have been clearly absorbing from him over the past almost 4 years isn't there any more. This time last year it was so bad, that it had started making me increasingly ill, physically. To the point in early December when I was completely physically incapacitated for a number of weeks, and was totally reliant on him to do even basic things for me.
The house is now very quiet, and that scares me. But it's also very still and peaceful.
His family is going to support him no matter what. I wouldn't bring up a thing related to your situation.
I had the exact opposite experience.
My in-laws supported me fully fighting to save my marriage and informing them first thing about what their daughter was doing was a significant event leading to our recovery.
While that kind of support is unusual, I find giving people the choice of doing the right thing (and opposing the adulterous behavior of their children and friends) to be much better than just assuming no one cares or they just won't help you. You need all the support you can get and if your inlaws, after 18 years of knowing them, won't support you then that says a lot about them.
I also disagree that most support their wayward child "no matter what". If their is a "most" at all...it's that "most" will shrink in the face of a crisis and simply enable the wayward by not saying anything. As parents their biggest fear is simply losing their child all together. They fear losing their relationship with the wayward child most of all. If the wayward will throw away his/her spouse and kids....why would he not also throw away his/her parents IF they stand in his/her way. Waywards are terrorists and if and when a parent says ANYTHING to them about their choices they simply revert to teenage denial and resistance. They either disappear or throw an tantrum. So parents just concede "there seems to be nothing I can do or say...I tried" and then THEY disappear embarrassed over their childs behavior and powerless to put a stop to it. They simply wait for the storm to blow over and then deal with the victims thereafter.
Not all parents are cowards like that. You are not asking them to hate their child, but merely informing them of the situation and asking them for their prayers and support during this difficult time. If he were mine son....he'd be in front of me within the hour basically telling him I'd disown him if he didn't choose to end his affair right then and there and go home to his family where he belongs. I'm not one that believes in sitting around waiting for an affair to run it's course. It'd be over....and my son would know I wasn't kidding....and I'd personally make him hold himself accountable to me and his wife thereafter that he never see or speak to the other woman again. IF he worked with her....we'd call his boss together and he'd quit effectively immediately.
Original poster - does your husband still work with the woman he was having an affair with awhile back? If so, then the affair never really ended. The ONLY way to end an affair is "no contact for life". There are no short cuts and, as you are well aware, it's torture for the betrayed spouse to endure months/years of their supposedly former wayward spouse going to work in the same workplace as the other woman. You said he was likely going to call her again after he moved out but the reality is he's probably been talking to her all along.
I don't think you have to go dark on your MIL...especially if you need the money. If she's reporting back to your husband, so be it. Hopefully, in a short time after you GAL for a bit she'll be reporting back to him how well you seem to be doing with him gone.
As far as your wayward husband. You should go completely dark on him such that his other woman is responsible for meeting all of his needs. Throw him in the Briar Patch. You are done enabling his affair and indecision. If he wants back into your life he'll need to quit his job, go absolute 100% "no contact for life", get honest (and repentant) and commit to truly recovering your marriage using a marital recovery plan. That's what you call a boundary. You simply refuse to have anything to do with him whatsoever until he meets those conditions. In the meantime, you'll be rebuilding your life....whether he comes back to you or not...you've got to get on with being individually capable of handling either outcomes. Basically...this is individual recovery. You've been abused long enough and what little care you have remaining for your husband needs to be tucked away and preserved "just in case" he wakes up in time and commits to your conditions. Otherwise, in time, you'll be over it and quit a ways through the process of recovery to the point YOU will be 100% done with him.
Go see a doctor about anti-depressants. Going dark on him is going to take an emotional toll on you as well. it's called "withdrawal" and your mind is going to play tricks on you telling you that you just need to have one more conversation with him or one more meeting with him. You'll miss him and your sub-conscious will miss the adrenaline rush of interacting with him. Make no mistake..."going dark" is depressing. You've been doing this adultery dance with him for a long time and part of you prefers the drama because it FEELS better than nothing at that moment. Trust me...until he commits to your boundaries...NOTHING is better....IN TIME. Trust us...we've been through this before you....your best chance at saving your marriage AND/OR saving yourself is to disassociate yourself with your husband to the greatest extent you can.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
My husband works freelance, so he will work with a certain group of people for a short while and then the job will finish and everyone will move to anther job.
This particular job was so successful, that the employers kept putting the team back together and offering them all the same job again for another six months or so.
When I discovered the extent of what had gone on, this time last year, I said to him that the deal would be she never worked on the job again, and he never had any contact with her again. He looked a bit shocked, but seemed to accept it.
In the early new year, the job was suggested again by his employers without any firm offer being made to anyone. This went on for a bit, and I found it increasingly stressful. So when he was away again for a few days in early May, he called her a number of times behind my back, to find out if she was doing the job. I discovered this, and asked him to explain, very calmly.
He seemed genuine when he said he had been concerned for me and wanted to make sure that she wasn't going to accept. I told him that he shouldn't have gone behind my back and that it would have been better if he had voiced his concerns to me, and if we had both discussed how to resolve this. I was very calm.
I asked him if he still had feelings for her, very calmly, and he said no. He seemed genuine.
I had been secretly checking his phone and messages, and found nothing at all suspicious for six months, until that time in early May. No unknown numbers (calls made or received), no strange messages (sent or received).
I do remember him working away in mid June for a week. I knew when his plane home was landing, and he seemed to disappear off the radar for a few hours after that.
After he finally called up, he said he was in the airport bar with one of his colleagues (a male one). But then when he got home, he couldn't carry on with the lie and said he had been in a bar in town, with one of his female colleagues from the job. I said I was upset at the lie he'd told me and it would have been nice if he'd phoned me up to let me know what was happening and I could maybe even have joined him.
What on earth was he doing in those few hours? And who was he with? I'm starting to doubt his story now.
Then his mom told me quite recently, in the past couple of weeks, that about a month after this episode, he got incredibly drunk with her and said he was really unhappy. He refused to say anything more. When his mom suggested that I would be absolutely devastated, he replied with 'she's tougher than she looks'.
I haven't spoken to him in person for almost three weeks now. He's left some voicemails on our anniversary (in various states: lost and confused, then sad and resigned, and then very upset and yearning). I texted him a couple of days later to say I was sorry I missed his called and I hoped the week was going OK.
A few days after that, he sent the text suggesting 'separation'. But I haven't answered. And I won't.
Sorry for all the detail. Getting things straight in my head as regards timeline...it's helping.
To be clear, I didn't say that the inlaws wouldn't be helpful or wouldn't agree with your point of view. But in my opinion, the best thing you can do is show them the best side of you, which doesn't include having a lengthy talk about your R. I think they are more likely to help you behind the scenes than to your face.
So, it's OK for them to be aware of what is going on? Also for them to know that I am taking a step back, leaving him to it, and concentrating on myself?
