It's kinda funny. WAW said she doesn't think sex therapy, books, etc. will help her to feel any better about not wanting to ML. Flies in the face of the "Just Do It" approach of TSSM.
WAW still believe that "time heals all wounds" which is true, but only to a certain extent. If you hurt/damage a muscle, doing nothing makes it atrophy. You need to little by little work on the damaged part until it gets back to full strength.
I told her that I wouldn't pressure her on the ML thing. That I know and respect how she feel right now. That I will wait for the sign from her, and she said that was OK but no guarantees.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Quote: WAW still believe that "time heals all wounds" which is true, but only to a certain extent. If you hurt/damage a muscle, doing nothing makes it atrophy. You need to little by little work on the damaged part until it gets back to full strength.
so you like analogies?
well if you hurt your leg you are not going to get right up and run a marathon are you? No, you must start slowly, first learning to put light pressure on it by walking with a cane, then without, then light weight exersize then perhaps jogging and eventaully with lots of work and determination perhaps a marathon may be run on that damaged leg.
So then your m is the leg...it's has been damaged and right now you are learning to walk with a cane (seperation) little by little with time the marriage will once again be able to run that marrathon (ML).
Very good point. I guess I just have to look for little signs of progress...one day at a time.
One thing that bothers me...and perhaps it's just potential jealously...is that while WAW does things with me and gives positive signs, WAW is also signed up on several online dating sites.
I guess I just have to hope she sees that the grass ain't greener on the other side. It just looks that way.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
What are some other ways you can connect with her physically? Will she allow you to give her a backrub or anything like that?
If her love language is physical touch, then she will most likely enjoy all kinds of touch. Is this something that was missing in your previous R with her? Start out slowly and see where that leads. I know that, speaking for myself, I am easy. A backrub, a hug, anything physical makes my heart and body open up in a way that words and certainly pressure would not.
Maybe start with a full clothing massage and then next time ask to remove her shirt, or just push her sleeves up. Anything to get in contact with her skin more frequently. Eventually you could go for the kill with some hot oil. (side note: I actually bought hot oil for myself 2 years ago for Christmas. My H had bought some pukey smelling lotion so I took it back and bought the oil instead. Yeah, he used it ONCE. And even then he invited our D4 up on the bed so he could massage her at the same time. Oh the romance!! Not. So, DB, if this was you in the past, repent of your mistakes and then move on and be confident and touchy. You will win her back.)
Quote: What are some other ways you can connect with her physically? Will she allow you to give her a backrub or anything like that?
Yes, she does allow me to do that. She loves it when I rub her feet, legs, back, neck, arms, and run my fingers through her hair. I have done it for years and I've never had to be asked to do it.
Now...I can count on 1 hand the number of times she's given me a back rub or anything since we've been together. So part of me thinks she needs to learn how to touch me a little bit at a time. Like asking for a back rub or something.
Right now she draws the line when I inch up from the legs or move around from her rips. And I back away and go back to whatever part I was working on.
She used to always let me scrub her in the bathtub, but since she moved out she won't bath in my presence. We did take a shower together months ago, but she says she no longer remembers the episode.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Quote: Right now she draws the line when I inch up from the legs or move around from her rips. And I back away and go back to whatever part I was working on.
At 1st he said he could never be intimate w/ me again, always rejecting ML. now he is initiating all the time. Is this good or bad while separated? I started doing thing he asked me to do like dance for him. he is not only being responsive but asking for what he wants.
Help- I just want to say thanks for responding. My husband and I are still ML. More now than when he lived w/me. He seems to be always rearing to go He use to aske me to things for him (like strip show) I Have been doing some of those things. At 1st he said that it seemed like i was just doing it to get him back home. Noiw he is asking for me to wear certain things and do certain things.He continues to tell me that he loves me.
We had a bad counseling experience and he was totally turned off by it. When he 1st left he said it was too late and he didn't want to work on R! No R talk in about 5 wks. Yes, he does blame it all on me. It is all my fault. His A and mine(he only speculates mine) i never admitted and Counselor said not to.
I think that he is frustrated with M problems He notices change but not sure they will stick
I also can not shake the feeling of maybe an EA going on(no proof) He stays w/his mom and is never missing in action. I see him atleast 4xs aweek becase of our 10 year old son and his many activities. I ask no questions about if Ow(anymore that is) I haven't in about 1 month. its killing me but i think it is killing him that i dont ask any questions.
Baby Steps
H has not mention D in about 1 month H is intiating Ml all the time H wants to know why I am online all the time H called and asked if I could take my son to B-Ball practice because uhe was going to play B-Ball(let me know his whearabouts) I came home from a metting and he and S were eating take out. H asked had I had something to eat yet. We had arobbery in the neighborhood and he said that if anyone is supicious or bothers me to call him because he would kill someone over me(does this sound like a man that wants a D? H said do you really think I would let someone hurt you? Reassured me by saying Honey, there is no one else, no one else ids taking care of me. That reassurance came without me asking for it. I haven't asked every since. Said he had to scold a couple of children (neighbors for bad behavior) does this means he still feels connected to home? H camwe over and changed all batteries in smoke alarms H called at 1am and said what is S doing? Sleep of course but I know he wanted to talk to me.He offred to tell me that he had just gotten in from watching the fights.he wanted to know how I spent my day. I called him on a SAt nite he asked whre I was and offered to tell me that he was w/mutual friends Mutual friend said he asked her if S and myself still palnned on going to Disney this summer H was on his way to drop S off, he called me and asked if I wanted him to bring me something to eat My sister and brother said that he calls them off and on(is he trying to stay connected?) I took S to a party for his brothers step daughter and he called when he was on his way and asked me if I were still going. I said yes and he said i will meet you there. It was a skating party so i put on skates and joined kids(180 for me) He was standoffish while there but when it was time to go he asked if we were ready(although we came in separate cars. H came in morning to take S jogging and said can you make us breakfast? I said yes and he said your a good baby. He use to say that all the time! I bought him a piece of strwberry shortcake and he said thank you so much honey(pet names slipping out) He came back that night to ML but didn't stay(not sure why he doesn't stay) He stayed once and the other times he hangs around for a while and then goes back to moms. I goy home from work Tues and he has a load in the washer, cooking something to eat and lying on the couch wrapped in a blanket. I said what is wrong and he said he was sick. I made hi some Tea and he slept for a couple of hours and took son to B-Ball practice. My sister-in-law said he told them to come over to the house Saturday morning after ny S B-Ball game and she said is W going to be there and he said I have a key and she said I know that but I just wanted to make sure I am gonna have company. Is khe beginning to fell more comfy at home? Inviting people over? Sorry so long . please help. any advice is appreciated.
Thanks, Nitaf
I know that this is lenghty but can someone tell me what I should do from here? still no R talk and why is he sometimes standoffish outside of the home?
DB - It really seems to me like your wife is blocking you out for her own self-protection. The fact she insinuates she wants a divorce, but won't come right out and say it, plus some of the other stuff you talked about (like her "forgetting" about the shower you took together), leads me to the conclusion (based on my own HD experiences) that she is still feeling a lot of hurt, anger, and resentment. And she wants to hurt you back like you hurt her in the past.
How do you feel about simply - and lovingly - confronting her on the whole issue? "We've been separated for 10 months, haven't ML in a year, I've been trying to change but I feel you are still punishing me for my mistakes. Honey, we need to sh*t or get off the pot here. It's time to stop living in the past and move on. What can *I* do to help you get past this?"
