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I have no update regarding H, but that is nothing new. I have had to show amazing restraint over the last few days to not contact him, because I have been very angry, especially after my snooping.

I did half way contact him this morning. He sent an important email with S's soccer update to my work email on Saturday. Apparently, the coach wanted a game on Sunday. My S could not go to Saturday's game because we were volunteering, but he wanted to go to Sundays. I did not have the information. H emailed it to my work address so I did not get it until this morning. So I sent him the quickest of emails
"I do not work Saturdays, so I did not see this..."

Other than that, there has been no contact.
I am 4 positives up from the last negative so I do not want to ruin my streak. I will not contact him unless I am sure it will be a positive. I would like to squeeze a face to face in this week somehow, but I don't see how. My daughter has a birthday party on Sunday I invited him to, but I doubt he is coming. Tomorrow night he is picking up D to take her for a birthday dinner. It is just possible I will see him then. Better start looking for an outfit.

But, there has been a sort of contact. I have been updating facebook so much lately. Everywhere I take the kids, I get someone to get our pict. When I go out on Friday's, I get a picture. My facebook page looks like I go out every day! He 'liked' one of the homecoming pictures I threw up from last weekend, so I know he sees my posts.

I have a few facebook accounts. Business, pleasure, gaming, family and a few other ones. This way I can keep my worlds separate. I have kicked him off of all of my accounts except Family. And yesterday I change my last name of my family facebook account to my maiden name.

I like it better and even if we get back together, I still think I am changing my name to my maiden name.

I have been passing empty hours trying to sleep at night planning how to make sure I never get back in this spot ever again. I need to ensure I peek at DB and DR every couple of months so I remember. I did not remember last time. I remembered that I always want to work for better, but not that I wanted him.

Unfair unfair unfair. That is pretty much what my brain screams at me all the time anymore.

My H has a very very bad anniversary this Friday. To be honest, I am not even sure he will remember this Friday is one year to the day his mom passed. But I am thinking of somehow showing him my condolences. I just dont know how. He likes gifts, I know this, but what kind for gift do you buy for that? Oh Geez, nevermind. Of Course I know just what to get him.

MWD is just right. We have the capacity to figure these problems out so well. If we can just look at what we want the outcome to be, our brains naturally finds the perfect solution. Since I know this man so well, I know EXACTLY what will make him feel better.

And this is how I felt the last time I was DB'ing. Near the end of the three years I felt a kind of pity for H. Because of course I can fix this M. I know exactly what he wants. He has no prayer of resisting

Wow, you're really killing it. Good for you.

I am going to see H today. Probably just for a minute or 2. So I want to make it count. I have been giving him nothing but positives with zero backslides for a while now. He has been responding nicely, but he has not taken a step toward me yet. He emailed me twice yesterday, both emails were just forwarded emails for soccer. I spoke to the coach yesterday and asked him to please only email me, so I will not get any more soccer emails from H.

I have a classy, but sexy outfit on. I am going to make cheeseburger pie for dinner. It is sinfully bad for you, but the smell is outrageous. Bacon, you just cannot go wrong there, and the pie crust makes the whole house delicious.

The kitchen and livingroom look better than they have in 5 years with my stupid decorations.

But none of that matters if my mouth becomes involved. I am angry at stuff, and I feel I have every right to be angry. If that shows I get to keep my anger and lose my H. So, unless I am stupidly laughing over something he just said, I have to keep my darn mouth closed.

I packed up a bag of his stuff, so I can give that to him when he comes in. I already have a legitimate excuse to get close to him and touch his arm when I make a request. It will show I need him, but not that I am needy

Right before he walks in I will listen to the Salt and Pepper Diner by John Mulaney because it is one of the funniest bits of comedy I have ever heard in my life. There is no way I can be mad after listening to that.

I will ask him vaguely about his job then ignore him, but not in a mean way. The same way I would treat a girlfriend if they stopped over. I only need to not act like a psychotic maniac for 2 minutes.

That gives me a 50/50 chance of making it that long

LOL Mona! I love the way you think.

I bet you do just fine. You're really such an inspiration to me.

Thanks for that great outline of your evening Mona! That was brilliant and brought a smile to my face.

You got this!

PP

Hahaha, Can't wait to hear what happened.

And remember, theres a place for your anger. Just don't hold on to it and let it be your narrative.

I like you Mona, your a good woman. Don't let parts of the universe make you forget it. Be well

Thanks Gmum, Judy and PP!

That went sort of well. The house looked great and smelled amazing. My hair was perfect and my makeup was perfect. I stayed happy and in the kitchen while he was mostly in the living room. But it was kinda uncomfortable.

I wont lie, I was nervous. I tried so hard not to show it, but I could not help it.

Over the last 2 months I noticed that I backslide on the days I see him. After he leaves I focus on what I expected to happen and that is when I send the text messages I later regret. Not today, no no.

Once he left, I grabbed my keys (after a huge slice of bacon cheeseburger pie, seriously the smell was crazy) and I just started driving. I wanted to text him so badly. I came up with 1000 reasons why I needed to text him. So I just kept driving. Then my D texted me and I ignored her. Nothing was wrong, she wanted to know where her arm cuff was. It felt wonderful to ignore the text. I just felt out of control and me not answering her text right away I gave myself a small amount of control.

30 Minutes later I texted her and I was almost back to normal again
I do need to text him, but there is no way I am texting him tonight. I need to thank him for taking D out tonight. (Because someone always thanks me when I take my own kid out...)
Tomorrow he is picking up S from soccer. Now, he was supposed to pick him up every Wednesday from soccer. He has picked him up a total of ONE time. This was a source of a pretty large mental battle today. I wanted some way to rub it in to him that he has only picked him up once. After a few hours of pondering it angrily, I typed up a text message to him
"You do not have to pick up S from soccer on Wednesdays, thanks for picking him up that one time, lol"

See I added the lol at the end so it does not SOUND snarky, even though it was.

I deleted the text before I sent it. Which annoyed me, because in his head, he has picked up the boy EVERY week. In reality, he bailed every week except one. I dearly wanted to point that out, but I did not. That will in no way bring me closer to any goal, other than self satisfaction.

So I will need to text him tomorrow and thank him for picking up his own S. (Like I get a thanks when I pick him up...)

On Thursday, he is taking my D to my sister's house for some birthday presents. I refuse to go to my sis's house because is a total criminal and she burglarized me and my kids. They still love her, so they want to see her. I will need to thank him for taking them to her house.

Friday is the one year anniversary of his mom, and trick or treat, so I dont see a way I can not contact him on Friday too. That will mean I will be in some kind of contact with him every day this week. That does not make me happy, I feel like I am gonna mess up so bad.

But, I did NOT text him earlier and I did NOT text him now. 2 major victories. I can do this. I will just take one day at a time and keep that hole under my nose closed.

The only bad part of tonight was how nervous I was. I have to work on that. And it looks like I will have opportunities to get better this week.

Thank you for the smile! Can't wait to hear what happened

Great job Mona! The post visit text pull is SO strong. I think the connections between our spouses get reignited with an interaction and texting keeps that interaction alive for just a bit longer. I go through the same thing and it's hell.

Don't beat yourself for being nervous, it's just part of the deal and means you still care. People that don't care about other people aren't nervous in their presence.

Sounds like you did some excellent work tonight and should be proud of yourself.

Big hug,

PP