Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE HD WAW now LD

This doesn't really sound like a case of HD vs LD etc. It sounds more like a relationship issue I call the "flip flop" where you've changed the balance of certain area and it makes you behave differently. This happened to me in college where my girlfriend played hard to get until I stopped being interested...then she turned into a "stalking", lunatic, freak that I never wanted see again and I had to transfer to another school.

So back to my point...The one thing that all of us HD guys need to remember is that an LD spouse needs to have some things more fundamental than the Love Languages to get their desire back.

I don't care how perfectly you nail your spouse's LL because if you don't convey confidence, strength, and character, she won't "nail" you. This is something I keep repeating to myself when I hear myself getting all "self-helpish". I say to myself "don't look like a weak pussy in front of W". I also have begun to focus a little attention back to the things I enjoy and back to work to show her that I'm still someone with a life outside of the home and that I'm (in Elvis' voice) "takin' care of business". There's also the simple "attractiveness" thing. I think the formula I have found for this is to be very confident (doing everything I just mentioned)...then don't blow it by dressing, grooming or generally acting like slob. I just discovered how dressing nice makes others around you feel good to be around you. If you or your W have fundamental attractiveness problems, then no love languages are going to fix that.

Now, I just mentioned working on yourself. It sounds like your W is negative and possibly has other issues. This isn't very attractive to you. You were probably LD regardless of anything LL she did because of this. She probably spoiled the quality time because of this. Who knows? (well actually...you do). But this is a personality flaw which she should work on. It's going to take a lot of baby steps because these are pretty painful to confront but it's possibly to create a system to diffuse the resentment while letting them know they are irritating you.

In my sitch, I always correct my W when she says something wrong. This irritated the bajeezus out of her so I established a hand signal that lets me know when I'm doing it and she gets to quickly "nip" it. Maybe work on these types of ideas before worring about the sex.

Just my 2 cents.

Thanks all for the good advice and very good points.

I've been spending a lot of our time being separted working on myself. See my own counselor, working out (dropped 30 pounds), going out and having fun, etc.

I know that she's noticed these things because she frequently comments that I look good, smell good, have lost weight, etc. I also give back the same compliments and when we do spend time together I will rub her back, neck, feet, etc to make her feel better. She's on her feet all day at work.

I have been following the tips in TSSM and DR. A few weeks ago she called me in the middle of the night (2:30am) to come over to her place because she was feeling sick. That same day also happend to be our wedding anniversary.

In the morning I figured it was a good time to make a move, and she said that I was pressuring her. Later in the day she said that she still can't not think of all the LD times from the past when I'm putting the moves on her.

I guess I just need to keep doing my thing, keep showing the interest, but not to push things. Let her be the one that decides when she's ready???

I think so. It sounds to me like she has some really deep-down bitterness and anger to work through, and there's no short-cut to getting through that stuff. If you've read my threads and posts, you've probably picked up on a similar emotion in me. I bet there are also major trust issues. I think at this moment, even if W were to suddenly become "miss sexy", I would have a GREAT deal of trouble trusting that this is really HER, because she's done bad 180's on me in the past. After so many years of ND, how could I take her word that she was suddenly HD? It would stink of deception. And if she truly WAS now HD, what was all that ND crap about?

Trust, bitterness and anger would possibly keep me from being able to open up, and I could even see how I might go from HD to LD - not really Low Desire, but less willingness to put myself in a position to be hurt, yet again.

I hope I'm making some sense...

dbrookie's other thread more info

ok so dbrookie,

my thoughts of her thinking "is this change for real" are accurate.

patience is key.

your lrt worked so keep it up, making subtle adjustments as needed (monitor results and do what works, stop doing what doesn't but give things time before any sudden changes)

as far as thinking w is following the advice of others...for now that's ok but that line of thinking will not get you anywhere as it assumes she can't/wont think for herself.

you are in a bit of a piecing situation right now so best bet is to take things slowly and be patient.

all in all things sound positive.

LL

Hey, DBR. I am HD female with a ND H. H is about as negative as you can get. I think I'm right but I might be wrong, I think the lady has a control problem. Every time she sees you being different from before she panics and pushes you away. Note, I might be wrong about this and even if I am right it is not time to turn into THE ADVENGER. My H would never cooperate with me, I just have to look for the well hidden baby steps and keep hope alive. For some reason it seems to me your W may have that same problem with control. By the way I hope I am wrong about the lady's problem and I hope you get your M pieced back together.

Thanks all for the sound advice. I'm continuing to work on my attitudes about things, and working with little baby steps.

I agree that the sudden "change" probably appears to be phony or whatever given years of problems. This boils down to a trust issue, and I need to continue to rebuild that trust a little bit at a time.

I really think if my W would read my copy of TSSM it might help...kinda 3rd party perspective and that she would probably see how it opened my eyes.

Very often her attitude was that it was all my problem/fault/etc but the book talks about how it literally takes two to tango. Thoughts on this?

dbrookie,

do you see your change in drive as lasting?
when you were ld was it that you were truly ld or that you just didn't feel secure enough to be with w? In other words were you masterbating while not being with w?
What was the final straw that led you to change? what drove you to read the ssm book?

LL

Yes...there's no going back.

It was a lot of things. Had self-esteem issues I needed to resolve. W's negativity about sex prompted passive-aggressive responses from me. I would improve for a while but I never stopped to look at the bigger picture.

While LD I did masterbate, had sexual thoughts, etc but I didn't just act on them. That was one point the book made that makes sense. Just do it...don't think too much.

The final straw was her moving out. It actually allowed me to break the continual cycle of confrontation...fixing things for her, not me...and then going back to the old ways. Now that I have my self-confidence back I am very HD but she's now LD.

WAW actually said some revealing things last week. W said she probably never told me what she wanted sexually (freq, fantasies, etc). W also said that she is like one of the guys at work (jokes, innuendo, flirtin), but for some reason is not that way around me.

W also acknowledged that her past (childhood exposure to pornography, first experience wasn't exactly consentual, hs boyfriends cheated on her) is probably one reason why the pain of "rejection" hurts so much.

Quote:

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While LD I did masterbate, had sexual thoughts, etc but I didn't just act on them.

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if you masterbated then you acted on the sexual thoughts you were having you just didn't include w.

as a hd female with a ld h that really pisses me off.
If I were to find that my h were masterbating while I'm sitting here volunteering to do it for him and being rejected I'd be bullsh!t. oh wait I already am bullsh!t at the fact that I have to take care of myself so grrrr.

in any case I'm glad you've made the changes and hope that w accepts them. Know that the road isn't going to be a smooth one though, many years of resentment to get through and that's no easy feet. (or feat)

LL

I totally understand those feelings. I'm having to deal with them myself right now.

I think a major problem was what I perceived as a bait-and-switch. W (then SO) was the initiator from the start of our rel. She's initiate and I was ready for action. She then stopped initiating and became very negative.

Instead of saying "I want you right now", which always did/has worked, she began saying "Why don't you want to..." or "You never want to..." and similar kinds of things. I think she thought that approach would instantly turn me on for some reason.

When we started counseling (marital and individual) she always rejected any reason I gave for my LD problems. In fact, she said she really didn't care what the reason was.

I understand that my seemingly new found HD appears to be phony. But the reality is that we both played a role in our sexual problems. I know I played my part...and she is just now starting to acknowledge her part.