Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Yesterday's gone. Tomorrow's not here.

Yea your convo is way better.... If we talk again via text, ill post them here first for feed back

Did you ever read DB or DR?

Hi bond... I am in the process of reading it.

I recommend reading BOTH books and taking notes. Then make index cards with the things you need to refer to most. In particular you goals need to be written down and consulted constantly. I also have sayings like, "she is not angry, she is hurting" and "is this moving me forward to my goals?". "Cheeseless tunnels" and "do what works and stop doing what doesn't" are both priceless advice. The 180 and it's variant, the LRT is at the core of our plan.

If I could give only one piece of advice, it would be to stop acting from that place of need and/or fear. One index card of mine reads, "Is this a fear based response? Am I doing this out of neediness or based on my plan?" So many of my mistakes come out of me panicking. I feel lonely and NEED her to interact with me or I get afraid and react angrily in a conversation. Calm, Cool, Collected! Just like James Bond. I am guessing that may even be part of the reason MrBond chose his screen name

Good post Flight.

All my setbacks are due to my neediness. I need reassurances and then apologise for asking for them and look weak, needy and desparate.

I dont know pinn personally. All I know is what goes on this board. But I think you can guess what my opinion of the text messages were in relation to the question above.

You are self-aware isit, half way there! Just have to figure out a way to sense those triggers and change your reactions. I know, hard to do, but you can do it!

Like Flight said, take notes when you're reading the book and see which areas apply to your own situation.

What are your goals as they pertain to DB?

Thanks everyone. I think I am going to take a break from the site and dedicate it to reading the book cover to cover (skipped around too much before). I don't post much be do read a lot. I clearly have a lot more to learn. Def not feeling optimistic at the moment.

Azzork, maybe I did it for my own neediness, I don't know. It did not feel like neediness, but it might have been. Usually when I do something for my own neediness I end up feeling terribly after. I need to do a better job.

MrBond,

I thought I had good goals with regards to DB'ing but maybe not. I just don't know.

The goals I had were/are basically:

1. To identify what really happened that led us to this point. What did I contribute? What did she contribute? What was a combo of the two?
2. Think about how I could fix what I was doing wrong that was not satisfying her needs so I would not be in this spot again either with her or someone else.
3. Determined not to go into a long term funk. Been there done that, it's god awful. Focused a lot on myself GAL'ing and what not.
4. I wanted to not pursue. It doesn't work, and I feel terrible while doing it (again been there, done that).

I think I have done all of these fairly well.

Just realized today is 4 months since BD.. maybe that's why I've been so scattered brained. Some say thats a short amount of time, it went by fast, but it sounds like a long time when I say it

Great work. I would add to make your goals measurable. What would it look like when you have reached a goal? So as an example, what is a "long term funk"? Be specific. How will you be making sure you are not getting into this funk? What will you will be doing when you are consistently not being funky? How will you know you have met the goal and are spunky, not funky? Just something that helped me.