Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Being right, or doing the right thing...

Some things to consider...

Can you stand in the way of the D in a good DB kind of way?

Do you want to save your M or the dream of what it was supposed to be?

What is the healthiest for you and lines up best with your beliefs?

I feel for you, Avanti. It's so hard to know when to quit trying or not. In a way, those of us with more clear cut issues have it easier. Since my H is absolute poison to me, it's easy to see I need to let him go and start on my own path. But I can tell you for certain, my heart does not see it that way. If he suddenly came back, saying all the right things, I would really struggle. H still spouts the most hateful things imaginable, and I am torn up about the end of my marriage.

I want it all to go back to when I thought I was happy...but was I really? Depressed, isolated from the world....I don't think I was, but I would have certainly said so. Maybe I was comfortable.

Were you truly happy, Avanti? Were you comfortable and safe? Is your perception skewed a bit?

Just some things to think about. At the end of the day, it's your decision. It's worth taking as much time as you need to think about. Our family members are influenced by culture, misconceptions, and a desire to help. They mean well, but you already know they don't have the answer. That has to come from you.

As always, I'm here for you if you need me. Be happy. That is my wish for you.

Hi Avanti. I think you need to do nothing. Making a decision about important stuff is best done while in a very stable mindset. If your not sure what I do , do nothing.

Right now your dealing with a sitch that is impossible to deal with Your W is in her fog or MLC or whatever Maybe she will come out of it or maybe not.

This time is for Avanti to become or return to the man he wants to be / was

Just my pennies worth buddy. Give yourself time and relax back from any choices right now

Take care. Rd

Thank you beckyb, I really appreciate you dropping by - I am struggling with what a good DB way really means - not your words, the meaning of good DB practise. The ethos in the DR book is to forget what you know, work out what you want to achieve then be solution orientated in achieving it. I think the dream of what it is meant to be is the reason for DB'ing. It's the new M that would happen with all the new knowledge that is what I am looking for. Yes, I can do it with someone else but I can get there quicker with the person I've known for the last 27 years.

Ancaire, thank you for stopping by and for giving me your perspective - was I happy? I think I was. It wasn't without issue but it felt good overall. Was there too much resentment? Yes there was, but there wasn't the time to deal with it, our lives were sooo busy that time for one another was not a priority. When there was a lull in activity, we were soo tired, we just took the chance to sleep. We had recognised this and moved to give ourselves some space and time to think, the benefits of our decision were just starting to come through and bam a friend request on Facebook destabilizes everything.

rd500, thank you buddy, I really do appreciate your input - doing nothing and trusting things to fate, resonates but as we are not in any real form of communication, the gulf between us just gets wider and so ultimately it's the roll of the dice that determines the fate of our M. This is not DB'ing, is it? Where's the solution oriented thinking in that?

I curse FB. I t makes inappropriate connections way to easy.

Hi Avanti Not really leaving things to fate , more moving forward for Avanti and letting things with W resolve themselves You have no control other than of yourself

As for the gulf widening , how ? She's gone New life an all that and FOR NOW
she is doing her. The future will be , in the future For now concentrate on Avanti , doing things that you are now free to do

I've seen it posted here a hundred times , trust the process and for me, it means work on you and become the man only a fool would leave Worrying about W right now won't help. I understand it's really tough not to but practice and it's gets easier

Take care. Rd

You are right rd, thank you for grounding me again.

I've just re-read the MLC section of the DR book and it in essence says patience is king, patience is everything. Let her be to do what she is doing and she might wake up.

Work on myself, that I have been and am continuing to do so, and reality may one day appear for her and even then it's going to be a long journey.

I think I am back to where I was recently, allow the D to happen (she's pushing hard through the L to make it so) and when I'm ready for a new R, my W may have woken up, if not there's a woman who is going to be very happy, but doesn't know it yet. Either way, I am going to be a happy man, I just don't know when or with who yet.

MWD also said it's a roller coaster ride and she really was right, am doing the straps up a little bit tighter right now.

What are your goals Avanti? Where do you see yourself in 6 months time, in a year?

You have given all of us so many wise advice about letting WS to deal with their own path, maybe it is time for Avanti to believe in his so many good advice :-)

I do have goals and plans.

The goals are broken down into those for me to achieve in my business, working and financial life and those to do with my R.

The plans have defined dates for achieving particular steps within the goals.

I am looking at them now and wondering if the R ones need to be very different.

Maybe the reason I was feeling the way I was is because I could see a goal that I wasn't going t be able to achieve and it bothered me.

Perhaps I simply need to amend the goal and/ or change the timeline for it to something less aggressive, or rewrite it so that it is a decision point for my direction in my life with regards to an R....isn't that just watering it down, goals are specific...?

Avanti

It is doing that which works!

V