Angel, I agree with Azzork. You seem to be putting your framework onto everything without understanding that your W's reasons for leaving (and staying apart) probably make perfect sense to her.
You might want to try googling prevalidation. I found this helpful as it does take validation (I hear you, I understand, that must have been tough) a whole step further...
Last edited by Sotto; 10/21/1502:46 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I get your point azzork. But i want to be clear that i have admitted to my mistakes i have stepped up. I have started changing things in my life to be a better person. I have become a strong spiritual person. I have done counseling for myself and my past. I was neglected as a child all my life, and i subconsciously transferred that negativity into my marriage. I have now realized that i never paid attention to her i never paid attention to my daughters. I was a silent abuser that little by little tore her heart from the inside. I have accepted my problem and have faced my issues. Ever since i got closer to God i have become stronger mentally, i have put myself in her shoes and i would have left as well. But again this marriage did not fall apart by itself. She also contributed by verbally and physiologically abuse me , by telling me things like im selfish, worthless, only think of yourself, good for nothing , eventually i believed she was right and i was all those things she mentioned. That is something she will have to realize herself. I wish is not too late when ever she does. i will get my L just for the rights of my daughters , if she wishes to get a divorce she can file for that herself. I fought for this relationship since day one, divorce wont be that easy like she thinks since she always gets her way from me.
You understand your mistakes. You've admitted them.
That doesn't mean you have fixed them.
You need to completely rewrite her perception of you.
Think of it this way. Pretend you beat a dog every day for 10 years. (I am NOT accusing you of physically harming your W). Then, in the tenth year you say "oh. Hitting you is wrong. I'm not going to do that anymore." Do you think the dog is going to start trusting you that day? Of course not. It will take months of repeated action on your part to retrain it.
Azzork I have been reading Angels last few posts and yours and so much of what you say relates exactly to myself
The comment on seeing it from her point of view and beating a dog for ten years why would the dog change so quickly I would have to totally re write the marriage and I am not sure my wife would want to do this so all I can do is focus in my and work on being a better ghost
Sorry to hijack
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Ill say you have started to fix your issues but are no where near seeing all of them. I also think your using what has been changed as a means to justify ignoring the rest of your problems and blame her for whats wrong. I still see nice guy qualities there that need to be seriously addressed. Your fear is causing you to latch onto her and will continue to push her away if you don't stop. Maybe you have stepped back from a month ago but I still feel there's more that's not being shared about your interactions. Not that your intentionally hiding it but you have a different perspective than she does and it's noticeable from thr messages you say she's sent you vs. what you have said she is like.
As stated already you are focusing on everything you can to make her stay. Using the kids, that this is about the M and not her, that it's what's best for the kids, thats it's what God wants from a M. Regardless of if these things are true or not the WAY you are using them is very manipulative and controlling. If you wanted whats best for your M and children you would understand your actions lately are going directly against it. The best possible thing you could do it let go and stop trying to control her.
All the things she's said about you that you said were things she needs to realize, look at them and realize where the grain of truth is. I still believe you have lots of self reflection to do and it would be a shame if you let the changes you have already done cloud your view to the rest you need to address still. Focus on you not her.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I will keep working on myself. This weekend i am actually attending a mens retreat, that should be fun. I am still determined to get my father rights through my L. I will keep working on myself and she will have to see my new me, someone that is more positive, someone that is a spiritual leader someone that does everything for his girls. I cant make her see it, she will have to do that on her own. She can bring the divorce herself because i wont go out that easy.
I need advise on what should i do. Should i go 50/50 custody or should i go for 100% custody. The reason being is that there has been several situation where she is emotionally and psychologically damaging my daughters. And maybe this is the only way for her to realize? When i judge decides that is best for the girls to be with me. Ill give yall examples. She disciplines my 3 yr old a lot. she smacks her if she misbehaves and if she cries she will count to 3 , and if after 3 she is still crying then she will smack her again and put in her the closet with the lights off. If my little girl throws a tantrum she will smack her her block her mouth with her own hand in order to be quiet , while she keeps smacking her. If for some reason she doesnt stop crying then she will take to the shower with cold water in order for to calm down. If she were to cry about anything maybe something random ( you know kids tend to do that) then she will tell her to be quiet or she will give her a reason to cry, meaning that she will get up and smack her in order for her to have a reason to cry. I told yall about the incident where she decided to get off the truck while I was driving, and didnt care that we put our daughters safety in danger while i followed her on the side of the road. There was one time when the baby 9months fell of the bed because she felt asleep and the baby crawled and fell of the bed hitting her little head. Every time i would intervene she would tell me not to get involved since i dont know how to discipline them and i only show the affection like if they would understand. Last she didnt take about my daughters when she decided to live in a shelter. She basically used them in order to receive all those government benefits. If it wasnt for them , they would have probably told her to take a hike. She didnt care that i havent seen my daughters for over 5 weeks because she is only worried about herself right now. I could have gladly left the house and left her with everything. She is showing them though love just like she was shown when she was a child. I dont like that.
If your W is amenable to 50/50, then I have a hard time saying you should file for more. I am concerned that if you file for 100%, then she will counterfile for 100 and you are leaving it up to the judge to decide.
Either way, this is another post of "Im right, shes wrong"...
Originally Posted By: angel r
She is showing them though love just like she was shown when she was a child. I dont like that.
Just because you dont like it, that doesnt make your way "correct" or "better" or "healthier".
there was times in public places where my daughter would sometimes cry about small things ( you know how children are) well she would count to 3 and if she didnt stop crying then she would take her to the restroom and spank her hard there while she blocked my daughters mouth with her hand. There was this incident one time at a restaurant where my 3yr old daughter wanted to keep eating chips, well we told her no since that was enough and she had to eat her food. Well of course my little girl cried just like any other child would do. Well my wife counted to 3 and my baby girl kept crying and she couldnt stop crying because she knew what was coming , meaning she would get smacked. Well my wife got more mad because she kept crying that she got up from her chair so quick and hard that she knocked over the chair where my 9 month old daughter was sitting in her baby seat. It knocked over the chair to the ground and my baby with it. Luckily she was buckled in her seat. My wife didnt even go after my 9 month old she still went after my 3yr old and took her off her chair and took her to the restroom in order to discipline her and smack her in there.
