Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Triangulation (Differences between WAHs and WAWs 4

Julie, you are not guilty of triangulation. You've vented the truth or set the record straight. That is normal. You may be doing it too much, which is causing you to worry. If your conscience is speaking up, be aware and slow it down. Photoka' s suggestions were really good.

Triangulation is manipulative and evil. It is not a mistake. It is a deliberate choice to make someone look bad so that you look good to another party with the intention of harming someone else in some way. The phrase "smear campaign" jumps to mind. Purposefully making someone else look bad to others so that you look great in comparison and to turn events in your favor. It is done with malice.

BT...you make a very good point, and I'm happy you chimed in when you did. "Going numb" is the path to depression. No wonder it was my first instinct! I don't want to follow that path again. I'll use this opportunity and learn to work my way through it. Thanks so much for your thoughts on that.

Zues, gonna think some more. I realize I'm angry and vilifying husband. I realize that I have been doing that for a long time. I think he started out being obliviously neglectful and then I responded with anger and resentment and then like you said a cycle was formed. And yes the more resentful I am the more selfish his actions get to the point of being deplorable by most standards.

Right now, I have to break that cycle of anger and resentment. It's good that I have been following advice of DB coach and not showing this to him (although I'm sure spouse can sense it) but deep down I feel it more often then not. I have to figure out how not to go there. I have to figure out How to transfer feelings of anger to compassion. I know this, but I just don't know anything else.

Ok vanilla, thanks for clarifying. I am not doing that. And I do need to establish boundaries. i want things to be fair for everyone.

That's good, now you will spot it as a tactic. In your sitch and that of others.

V

Let me explain an example of triangulation.

It's where your h let's say, gets a family member onside. They openly pick your faults.
Your at the dinner table, you do somthing they don't like, your h might allow and openly encourage other family run you down for that then and there at the table.

If you object this picking might get worse and then you are accused of being not polite. It's takes away your right to stand up, using polite society's rules.

Or you need your h, but h says no because another family member rates higher or their need is greater. The insuation can be when you object of being selfish and not giving. Thus taking away your right to have needs feelings and then adding hurt. It's a way to get what they want at the expense of your needs.

It can be as simple as making you feel like you have to compete and justify every need. It keeps you off balance, and working hard.

Hey Julie. The other part of my post was about how anger often originates when we are wounded, then someone bumps into one of those wounds. When we are truly at peace, calm, secure, etc, we don't get angry as often as when we're stressed out, concerned, etc. I think anger management is great, but really I'd follow that back to the source and understand what is triggering the majority of this. It's like the anger is just the symptom, the wounds are the problem. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. I don't want you to be wounded...it's tiring.

Julie,

Try googling Tony Robbins and crazy eight patterning. This demonstrates very clearly the point Zues is saying.

My very favourite resistance tool when I prefer to procrastinate, I have to, I must, I should, these thoughts and beliefs create resistance. When you want resistance they can be useful. Try changing the thought to I can chose to let go of my resentment, I can chose to substitute compassion for angry resentment where it's appropriate or works my sitch.

You will find less resistance in yourself if you do this. It's like saying I have to eat my greens or I have to hit myself over the head with a hammer. You don't have to do anything.

V

Hi vanilla, I just looked up the crazy 8 patterning and it's great stuff.

I understand what your saying with wording. Very good point.

So I am debating giving husband apology letter for my role in demise of relationship....this was recommended by DB coach. But I don't know what I am truly dealing with and after reading other posts I see similarities between him and some pretty narcissitic personalities.

I have two thoughts

1. He wants marriage to work but needs space to sort out feelings. He has been very hurt by me. Alcohol is a problem for him. He feels like I was controlling in marriage and never appreciated him. He has not said the words ILYBNILWY, he has not said I want divorce yet. He responds to my texts and has initiated a couple of family outings (but would not commit to them via text only in person), he is seeing IC. He is rebelling and resistant because he felt controlled by me. When he initially left he said his goal was for reconciliation, but then when I asked him about this other times he always said, I can't answer that right now.

2. He is involved in affair ???? (No proof but everyone seems to be) , waiting for me to take on second job, on hold to save resources but has already committed to divorce in his mind. Took vacation (supposedly with friends) he won't tell me about. I am told he leaves work earlier then he ever did when we were together. Has not made any initiative to work on anything involving reconciliation (marriage counseling, dating, calling me on phone to talk). Has not talked to me about anything other then polite, superficial stuff for a long time. Has mistreated me for the past year by neglect and stonewalling.

choice 1 could be me in denial. Is choice 2 me being paranoid? If it's choice 1, apology letter might help. If it's choice 2, he could use letter against me in court.

Regardless, thanks to the testimony of so many posters and the advise of some many other posters I will be staying cool. No anger can be shown no matter what, and my decisions will not be rash.

Unfortunatly Might need to commit to getting Intel (will be really hard in my case)

I am sorry guys. I realize this has been my situation since day 1. No real changes. True prolonged limbo.

Zues, it is getting tiring,

I'm all about wallowing in my emotions right now, and I need to commit to action. I have let too much go and I have to stop now.