I hit a rough patch with my husband last night...and I think I know what I did wrong...but am not positive.
I got the book, "Not 'Just Friends'" from my library...it came in....yeah!!
Thanks again to Shiny for recommending it!
I started reading it...all excited and happy.
Well, let me warn you right now...it's not an easy read...brings up a lot of emotions.
So...anyway, when Husband got home from work, I started telling him about what I'd read in the book. Remember before, he'd expressed an interest in reading it after I was done.
The first cool concept I'd read...said that as a couple, you must build a wall of protection between your relationship and the world. And a window between both people in the relationship.
Then she goes on to say, the problems begin when a wall is built between the spouses and a window between one person in the relationship and a friend.
So, I was explaining this concept to Monkey.
He said he understood...that the concept makes a lot of sense.
Then I told him that the book goes on to say that if you are going to have friends, you need to make sure that those friends support the marriage.
He understood that too.
Then I told him this helps me put into words my uneasiness with his former roomates, and Amanda...the girl I've told y'all about. The one who's motivations don't seem honest.
Anyway, I explained to Monkey that his roomates didn't strike me as being for our marriage...cause they encouraged him to move in with them.
He said, no, the guy in that couple, doesn't really care...but that the girl in that couple, did encourage him to work it out..but that if he couldn't work it out, to come live with them. He said that they just wanted the extra money having him as a roomate would bring in.
sigh.
Then he asked about Amanda.
I said, "Well, ok...the thing is...I've noticed something. I've tried to tell myself that it's just a coincidence, not a pattern.
But I've noticed that whenever you go out with your friends, you don't wear your wedding ring. That you wear it for most of the week...then on Tuesday, your usual night with your friends, you don't wear it."
He explained again that it hurts his finger.
I said, "Well, then you need to get it resized. A wedding ring is a sign to everyone that you are committed to a relationship. When you don't wear a ring, that says that you are available."
He said, "I see what you are saying...makes sense."
Then I said, "Frankly I've been looking at it as a barometer of our relationship. If you wear it you are happy...if you don't, you aren't."
He said, "No, that's not the case at all. It just means I forgot."
And then I went on to say, before we separated, you always wore your ring..you never took it off.
Right before we separated you stopped wearing it.
And now, you wear it most of the time...which always makes me happy."
So...then he got upset and really quiet and turned away from me in bed.
So, I asked what was wrong.
He said he felt like I was manipulating him.
I said, "I'm trying to have open communication."
He said, "I know. But I still feel manipulated."
I asked, "Why?"
He said, "I don't know."
Argh!
So...I think what I did wrong was that I created a vacuum?
Perhaps I shouldn't have had this conversation at all?
I hate to do this, but I have to run to training.
Feel free to whack me and please give me ideas on how I could handle it better next time.
I'll read it as soon as I get back from training in a few hours.
I just re-read my last post and realized I forgot something.
Monkey told me that Amanda just wants to figure out how come Monkey and I have such a deeply loving relationship when she and her boyfriend/fiance don't. Monkey says he's told her that if they don't, they aren't ready for marriage.
I don't really like the idea of her probing into our relationship with my husband.
But maybe her probing is helping him to focus on the good stuff?
Dunno.
I also noticed that he wore his ring today.
So, he did respond in a positive way to our conversation.
But I am left feeling anxious because I feel like I did something wrong but am not sure what.
I know for myself, that when I feel like I've hit a bump in the path with my husband, and I ask him, "What did I do wrong?" and his response is, "I don't know..." I begin to feel depressed and frozen in place.
Scared to do anything because I don't know what I did wrong in the first place.
