Don't be too easy going about giving her the D she's asking for. All I can tell you is my opinion based on my own experience. My wife cheated and I demanded a divorce. If she was as "respectful" about that decision as you're being, and going along as nicely as you are, then I guarantee you we'd be divorced today. Instead she fought for our marriage, refused divorce, and showed me with actions that she was still the girl for me. That may not be related to your sitch because you're not acting inappropriately, she is, but as far as making her D decision go very smoothly for her, if you don't want to D, then don't do that. If you do marriage coaching here and they tell you otherwise then do that. They're really good. Good luck my friend. I absolutely hate seeing marriages dissolve. I sincerely wish the best for you.
Thanks TX. In that case I have a question: How can I be less easy going about giving her the divorce? There's not really anything I can do in terms of speed bumps since she's moved out and doesn't rely on me for anything.
The last time we were at this point was in '06 when she had just told me about her 3-year PA. But our kids were young, she didn't have the financial ability to leave, etc. I did make it more difficult for the D. She stuck around, went through the motions in MC, but nothing really changed on her side. It seems as though she was just waiting for the kids to be older and for her independent financial situation/job to get better. However, she remained in the house and that was a huge advantage for me.
Question 1: if she just went through the motions, faked me out so to speak, the first go-round, and has at the very least had 2 EAs in the past 3 years, that would mean that despite my positive progress (which she often acknowledges), she may have always been planning her getaway all these years. Now there is apparently no motivating factor for her (kids are adults now, she is finanically independent, etc.), still doesn't seem to value me after 20 years. Since she has moved out and doesn't need me for money or anything, what can I actually do to be 'less easy' about the D?
Here is what she has been telling people (her parents, our kids, etc.):
"We have continued to have problems that cannot be solved. I'm very unhappy and don't want to spend the next 20 years like the last 20 years."
Sounds almost like a media quote released by a PR firm. I mean WTF? We have plenty of negative time in those years, but a lot of positive too (at least how I see it). How do you reduce 20 years of kids and baseball and holidays and vacations and all of the things we've done and lived through to that?
My W moved out a week ago and returned this past Fri to tell me she's ready to file for D. She asked our sons (19 and 23) to meet at our house where I'm still living for a family meeting so she could tell the kids. 19 year old didn't show...he refuses to talk about any of this and doesn't seem to want to deal with it. Wife told S23:
"We have a lot of problems that at this point I don't think will resolve themselves. I've been unhappy for 20 years and don't want to be unhappy for the next 20 years, so I'm ready to file for divorce."
23 year old was pretty upset, didn't say much, a few tears in the eyes and seemed a little angry with W. His only question was to ask me if I was staying in town, and I told him I was because I wanted to be near him and his brother right now. They are still transitioning into adult lives and need some decent guidance and support from time to time which they're currently not getting from W.
So other than that, no contact with W for a week or so. After the family meeting we straightened out some issues on bill paying and she said she still hasn't gone to a lawyer, so divorce papers likely to be filed in December or January.
For the first time in my life I am having a hard time deciding what I really want to do. Difficult sitch for me because I am a very decisive person. At first when she left, I said good riddance. After a couple of days, I thought I wanted to give her the opportunity to return even though that seems unlikely given how hard and determined she is in terms of her attitude and charging forward.
After seeing the hurt this is causing for my kids, not to mention myself, after she's already caused a good bit in the past, as time goes on I'm having a harder time finding a reason to want this marriage even though I don't believe in divorce and I believe anything can work if people do what is required to make it work.
As time goes on I'm getting more and more skeptical about whether she is even capable of doing what it takes, and whether I care if she does.
Deep down I want this M to be saved and to thrive and am willing to do the work to get there. But I'm tired of her constant chaos, and I've had a good friend tell me that what I want is admirable and he knows me and has no doubt I could do it...but why do I want to be married to someone who clearly has no respect for me.
So I thought more about my friend who asked me, Given all the lousy stuff she's pulled, why would you want her to come back?
After the first 2 days she left, DB-ing hasn't been much of a problem for me (at least, I don't think so) because once I realized where we were again (odd that it took me a day or so, I guess it freaked me out more than I thought), I got back on here and started doing the LRT stuff. Since she's gone, we don't see each other and don't talk much anyway except when a bill issue comes up, etc.
So I've been thinking about what my friend said and started looking at the things my wife has said and done recently (on the day she left, a few days later when she told me she was divorcing me, and yesterday when she told our oldest son she was ready to file).
- she works full-time at a church as a director of education and music
- she has been holding me at arm's length emotionally for years
- she is constantly on her phone, facebook, etc.
- she drinks far too much
- pursues other men (always married fathers...and usually much older men than her)
- her closest friends are other women who have had affairs, etc. and who seem to justify it because they were unhappy. That is who she is staying with now.
- she lies to my face
- she acts like the tooth fairy for our boys but never tries to gently and firmly tell them no and teach them how to actually solve their problems
- she accuses me of keeping her trapped here and intimidating her even though she has been making independent decisions for the last 10 years about her job, social life, etc. She leaves the house at 8am and returns at 5-6pm most days. A couple days she's later than that. Does what she wants, when she wants. Our money/bank accounts are totally separate and have been for years so she can spend whatever she wants whenever she wants...wherever she wants without me knowing.
- looking back, whenever problems get serious in her life, instead of solving or addressing them...or even acknowledging them...she drinks more heavily, chases other men or encourages them to chase her, etc.
When I look at it like that it's hard for me to want to save the M at this point. On the pro side all I've got is:
- I am not a quitter
- I am always willing to improve and to work on my own or with her to make myself or the situation better and better meet her needs; I see that as part of the marriage vow I made to her
- For better or worse means that even during the worse, which is now, I am committed to being open to reconciliation and work/progress if she chooses to be likewise committed.
- I believe the best choice for us and our boys is to work through this so that our future together (family, holidays, grandchildren, life, emotional support, etc.) is bright and full, simple and good
- she and I have some positives: we previously spent a lot of time talking together about politics, kids' issues, work issues, life, religion, the bible, etc.; we would ask each other advice about work issues that we weren't sure how to address...especially when we recognized that the other was somewhat of an 'expert' at whatever the issue was; we don't have identical interests, but we have enough overlap that we can find activities we're both enthusiastic about, with a few that we don't mind doing and can participate in for the other.
For me, plus our 20 years and 2 boys, that is enough to build on and work with I think...if we are serious and truthful and committed to doing so.
But I'm pretty skeptical at this point that it is probable even though it's certainly possible.
Tl2 Just read your situation. I feel for you and your boys. Your story is very similar to mine. My W too had an episode where she took off for a short while 10 years ago. The only PA I know of. She neglected my D's 100% came back crying , begging etc . We got back together and swept it under the rug as a baby blues type thing.
After that we had the perfect marriage. Many happy years until may of this year.
She's gone again. Neglected the girls worse 13-15. Hasn't seen to them in over 60days. Small text message to them here and there about them owing it to her to respect her.
I'm in total NC. We are in mediation heading for divorce. I changed he's reasons to adultery in order to get it off her checklist of things to de in order to have her freedom. She met a guy last month and is living with him.
I am open and honest about it to my D's . They deserve that much. I am strong for them and keeping our lives moving . W has her journey to do . Where she ends up .... We will then decide if we want her back.
W also told me the last 10years was fake... All for the D's happiness.
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Yeah wow that is pretty similar. Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry to hear you're going through that.
My wife spent three months telling me she wanted to "go back" to how things were before July when things, by all evidence, were good. Not great, still some issues, but didn't think they were as serious as they are now.
I told her we couldn't go back but we could go forward if she went to IC and we went to MC and started doing what we needed to do for our M. After 2 months of IC she said she wanted a D and that those 'good times' she wanted to go back to were all fake as well, as had been the last 10 years.
10 years ago things actually looked brighter because she was still at home and talking to me. Now she is out and doesn't communicate at all.
Makes it easier to not pursue and talk about R, but it's incredibly painful. Days are ok because I have a lot to keep me busy and I did a 180 and GAL many years ago which have become permanent changes. Actually pretty happy in other areas of my life. Things are better than ever.
But now I'm in the house alone. I see my younger boy regularly, older one not as much. They are both busy with work and stuff, but have been dropping by more to 'check on me' since they got the word from my W.
So avoiding contact has been easy but truly detaching is harder sometimes like when I'm settling down for the night. I really miss her because we have always had good conversations, could talk about anything, and we would talk every night for a couple of hours before bed. And she always liked my humor. I could always make her laugh and she has the most beautiful smile and laugh. I feel incredibly lonely in a way I've never felt before. Nights have been almost unbearable. Worse than before when I was in a lot of pain but she was also sleeping next to me every night. And the boys still lived at home. Now they're gone and she's gone and it's very, very difficult at times.
But I remain determined to not let this beat me no matter the outcome. I got through it last time; I will get through this.
