Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers PP's WAW Adventure Continues - (8)

Thank you Fogg, we're all going to rise again. You as well.

PP

Hi PP. just caught up on your sitch and many congrats. 9 months and going strong. Well done mate. Very well done

I've read through and the loneliness is a bit of a tough one. Of course I get you miss W and the associated closeness but why lonely. Is it W or is it someone to share things with Is it W or is it you don't feel complete Is it W or is it physical touch with another person. My point is feeling lonely is just that , a feeling of more accurately a thought process I've read you posts about not wanting to spend time with W at hand overs and yet when they go quick and easy your not happy. I totally get this and it happened today I didn't want to see EXW and yet when I did I felt that loneliness start to come over me. I recognised it as a thought process and shifted my mind else'ware. Never easy but can be done

I'm very impressed by your journey and again well done on the 9 months

Take care. Rd

Thanks Rd, I appreciate your thoughts and note.

My loneliness is a way of letting me know that I need to let go and detach further. I want the dog drop offs to be short because seeing my STBXW upsets me. But then if she keeps them short too, it also upsets me because it feeds into the feeling that I was expendable and she can move on from me so easily. (Yes, that is mind reading, but this is also the third time she's left a relationship with me and jumped into a new life).

I see my own feelings and behavior. I want the interactions with her short, but only if I'm the one making them that way! It's childish and immature I know, I can see it from a mile away. Even admitting it is embarassing, but it's the truth. Part of me felt good turning down dinner not to punish my W, but because I had finally set my own boundaries. But part of me was also happy to be the one not being rejected. Again, childish and immature, and something I'm still working on.

The loneliness is about her. I miss her specifically. She has been in my life for years and years and was a great friend even before we were a couple. Now she is gone from my life almost completely. I have other women in my life that I eat dinners with, watch movies with, and have friendships with in addition to a group of friends to spend time with so it's not just general loneliness. I miss my W, we had a lot of fun and laughed continuously as a couple.

That being said, you're right. I can focus on anything I want at any time, even if it takes effort.

I hope you're doing well too my friend.

PP

Joe is another alcohol freedom fighter.

Many congrats PP, we can celebrate this with cheeeeeeeese.

I shall be able to say Mooooooooose.

V

Rough night. Dreamed that my WAW sat me down and explained that she really wasn't sure if she wanted a D or not. I asked if she would start wearing her ring again and she said she wasn't ready for that.

Woke up and realized that she's still living in my head somewhere if I'm still dreaming about her. More detaching is needed.

I've decided that the focus of this week is on the future, not on how I feel today even though I'm acknowledging it, and not on the past since that is history. Reading As's recommendation of Storms Can't Hurt The Sky has been both helpful in that it's giving me tools and perspectives, but also kind of hard since there are a lot of similarities between my story and the authors.

Focus = how amazing my life is going to be moving forward. Gotta keep that front and center today.

Here's to a good week for all of us DB'ers.

PP

Your outlook for the future is good, keep it up.

Don't try and force her out of your head too much, your efforts are better spent elsewhere. Dreams do generally bring out the deep thoughts we cant/don't express in our waking lives but with this type of situation you cant remove all of that thought. The pain of her loss will be there for a long time and on some level you may always want her to come back into your life.

Thanks Fogg, the dreams are crazy since they seem so real. I've been working with an IC that analyzes dreams so I ask for any guidance I may need to come through my dreams. Trying not to put any further thought into them than that since I also have killed people in my dreams and lived in a house that's underwater...

Your signature is moving me today. Appreciate you chiming in.

PP

PP, I was tired and I misread your post. I read that you dreamed WW sat on you.

It was a Month Python whoopee cushion moment!

V

Another successful dog swap with STXW. I had every intention of making this a quick visit, but found a mutual friend with my STX that led us to spend some time together. After walking me and Woofie to my car, STXW and I ended up talking for about an hour and a half before we realized what happened and she was going to be late to an appointment.

As usual with our meetings, it was a great interaction. She filled me in on both how great and how tough her life was, as well as let me know a number of the ways that she was disappointed in our M. Many of them I could relate to and understood from her perspective, I validated "that must have been extremely hard for you" and others from Wonka's thread, and truly felt for her. As someone who was completely overwhelmed by work, addiction, and financial challenges throughout our M, I was certainly not the man I am today. It kills me to know that was her experience of being with me.

If anyone hasn't read Wonka's thread on validation, please do. I know for certain I would have argued with my W that her experience wasn't really what happened without it and the lessons I've learned here on this board.

STBX asked me a few questions about our time together and I spoke honestly about my own challenges, and fears when we were M, as well as some of the painful aspects but tried to return the question to her. I did speak about my new experiences with sobriety, and the men's groups and how differently I feel now. It wasn't a "look, I've become the man you've always wanted", but I'm not censoring my own growth either. PP 2.0 exists.

Interestingly enough she told me of two other couples that we know that are now separated and informed that she thinks they just need a year or so apart before they'll get back together. Even more interestingly enough, one of them is the couple that housed her for the two months after BD.

None of them are in the divorce process, just legal separations. I didn't ask why we didn't give the longer separation a try, I didn't want to spring "us" on her after she told me about them although the irony wasn't lost.

As I've said a few times, I unfortunately fell back in love with my W after this meeting and have no idea why we're not together. We hugged, laughed, she told me again that it looks like the physical training I'm doing is paying off, and even kissed me on the lips goodbye. I certainly was not wearing my DB black belt Wonka, and I don't know if this was all a ploy to make me think that we'll be friends once the D is through. It just felt like genuine connection with someone I still believe I have a connection with. That may earn me a 2x4, but I'll take it.

Lastly she told me she would respect my decision for us to keep distant and I told her that if she wanted or needed something from me to ask and if I couldn't or wasn't comfortable giving it to her, I would be honest. Seemed like a strong statement and again, nothing I could have uttered without being on this board for 5 months.

She TM'ed me a "thank you for listening, I appreciate it" message when I got home. Now I've got my dog for the next two weeks, and will enjoy the chit out of him and feed him nothing but the most expensive meats so he refuses to eat when she gets him back.

Thanks for reading, I hope everyone that does has a peaceful weekend.

PP

Wow. You must be a way stronger person than I am. I know our situations are totally different, but there's no way I could do that right now. I'd be messed up for days if not longer.

Hope you stay the course, buddy.