Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers She Wants Me to Leave....3rd Time in 4 Years

So another day begins.

She wakes at 6 and leaves for work approx. 6:45 each day. She came into my bedroom (first time) with a cup of tea (she knew I was awake) and wanted to discuss a ski trip for our eldest son in Feb next year. Its expensive can we afford it? , she asks….yes we can for now …. Will our youngest be jealous as he can’t go and he loves skiing. We have been on 2 skiing holidays in the last 2 years and she said we won’t be going next year – too expensive – except maybe a short trip to Scotland.

I have been working in London for 3 weeks – commuting each day (4 hours travel – too much thinking time!) and I am supposed to be staying in London for the next two nights as I have arranged two nights out with old friends and ex work colleagues – more getting a life.

I had to tell her I had cancelled the first night so I could see MC tomorrow – she looked exasperated and said she had been looking forward to a couple of tension free nights. I said the work colleagues night out had fallen through as people were away or off sick or not able to make it - all true.

I will make myself scarce tonight and see MC tomorrow am and then go to London for one night – back on Thursday night for my sons school parents evening.

So what about the next few days:

Avoid any further R talk.
Get myself sorted out so i can go to London for a day
No calling or texting her
Dont sit on the sofa with her tonight to watch TV - a 180 and a small detachment - though she will see this as me blanking her.
I will try to make myself busy.

I will make kids food after school....and myself but not W.
Then wife will take them to kickboxing at 6 - then she does some jogging with friends. I will go to gym and get back later.

Pack my bag for my night away and go to bed early.

Need to read about detachment and LRT and 180s and set goals. I need to reread my old threads and this one and straighten out my thoughts

Definitely abandon the R talks - it's not bearing any fruit right now, so leave it well alone.

From her answers, it seems like she wants some space. Can you do something that gets you out of the way for a short while?

She thinks that you're blanking her? That's her worry, you're getting along doing your thing. Remember, this is what she wants, right? Give her a teaser of her future and she might not like it.

There seems to be a lot of history of BD's in your signature. After you have got back together, has there been any kind of MC or professional help? Has old resentment come back to haunt er out?

Huddy Thanks for your reply.

I agree she wants some space to breath and be happy, take away the tension.

3/4 BDs and 2 reconcilations to an extent - I was too short sighted after each reconciliation. The first one took 6 months and we were both high with a new honeymoon period but we didnt sort out our intimacy problems and lack of sex - sex was still boring for her and she withdrew over time. I buried my head in the sand .

In her eyes she tried to turn things around in the bedroom, new sexy underwear, buying sex toys, talking about mild bondage, asking for me to initiate sex, telling me she wanted sex outside the bedroom to make it exciting. She even changed contraception so I didn't need to use condoms and sex would be more spontaneous and passionate. She asked me to get a vasectomy but a just delayed and delayed it till she gave up asking!.Her primary Love language is physical touch so to her it was a big deal. I feel a great deal of shame and guilt that I have been so poor in giving her the love she wanted.

In other ways I have been very loving and she recognises it: gifts, words of affirmation, 'you look great in that dress' etc. also acts of service, I do a lot of housework and make her packed lunch for the next day and things like that.

Quality time has been poor and definately affected our intimacy but I used it as an excuse not to address her need for spontaneous, exciting, unplanned sex. 'We dont get Quality time'

Last night I said I had a Plan to improve our sex lives, to her it sounded awful, a plan for sex!...exactly the opposite of what she wants!

OK, so sex is a problem. Yeah, a plan for sex seems poor. I think the vasectomy issue needs to be tackled. I've had two! Trust ne the putting it back together hurts more than the disconnection.

Spontaneous passion seems to be the sticking point here.

It would take an hour to go through my/our sexual history wich I will probablt do in a MC session tomorrow. The MC is trained in pyschosexual problems.But as far as W is concerned she has tried everything and got nowhere.

As far as I am concerned we never got professional help and always talked around the issue and not through it. I admitted to her I buried my head in the sand and didnt know what to do. In the past... in answer to her saying 'you need to initiate sex more' My reply was 'I dont know how to' she would reply ' You had better learn'

Hi IS

Wow, your story is complex. I can't comment with any certainty on what's going on with you and your WAW but can only reflect on my own sitch to see if there are any parallels.

I devour everything Sandi2 says because there is a LOT of of wisdom in there. Some stuff she said that really struck a chord with me was that for a woman desire comes from respect, which extends from a mans confidence. Now I KNOW I had let my confidence slide and became so emancipated I can understand that part very well. That my friend is something that's vital in the bedroom.

The other red flag is on these boards the ILYBNILWY speech usually means an EA or a PA. not always but usually. In those circumstances you're onto a loser because while there is an OM you don't stand much of a chance. Sure there are success stories but let's be honest they are in the minority.

And the gut wrenching thing that took a long time for me to accept is that when you get to this stage (you're here for the third time now?) she's already done. Not willing to work on it.

Which takes me to the 'become a man only a fool would leave'. I know that guy. He was me about 5 years ago. But I allowed myself to slip, badly. Sure we could talk all day about the re writing of history and the hypocracy of her reasons, and Huddy and I will no doubt to that tomorrow but that's not the point. I lost my mojo and am in the process of getting it back by any means necessary.

Good luck my friend.

My Initial Goals:

Goal 1: When my W says she would like Us or Her to see a MC
Goal 2: When she hugs me or touches me in a loving way – spontaneously and not out of pity
Goal 3: When she complements me on a change I have made i.e. more QT with the kids, how I look or dress.
Goal 4: to get some sleep – preferably without sleeping pills

Action 1: Difficult one at the moment as she will not go to an MC – suggestions welcome. I will talk to my MC tomorrow to see if she has any suggestions
Action2: Detach and see if she follows – I suspect at the moment she will cherish the space I give her.
Action 3: Spend more time with the kids, Tell them I Love them, ring them when away, keep exercising, buy a few new pieces of clothes.

HDY - Thanks

and i thought yours and Huddy's threads were complex

I dont think there is an EA or PA, there is no evidence of one and she has an extremely busy life around me. She is very honest and loyal and desparately doesn't want to hurt me or our boys.

She just wants to be happy and to quote her 'is sick of making everyone else happy (me and the boys) at her expense

I was suspicious back in 2012, checking her phone etc, but found no evidence other than my paranoia.

I have an open mind about it and will keep my eyes open for signs/evidence.

I think we have a classic sex starved marriage with a real inability to express our feelings to each other(for fear of hurting the other). To quote one of the books: a sexless, non communicative M is toxic.

My primary LL is Quality Time, Hers is Physical Touch....neither of us has been getting our primary LL or GIVING a primary LL to our partner.
We just complain we are not getting our LL....complaints and no action - at least on my part

HI IS
Goals 1-3 are all about your W and your R and not about you. Took me a while to understand the difference so here goes. Remember I'm not a vet and may well get canned here.

While your goals are about your WAW and your R you are making two classic mistakes. The first is total attachment. You are fully attached and she will sense this. And it will turn her off. Second, you have expectations on the goals that are out with your control. You cannot control nor really influence your WAW's actions. This isn't the point of goal setting. Goal setting is for you and only you.

Think about goal 1. How can you achieve this and want if she doesn't comply? See ow you have expectations on HER behaviour?

I'd re think them if I were you.