Thank you so much dwh15. Very wise counsel, indeed. I'm not in great shape yet but I'm doing pretty good all things considering. Much better than the first time the bomb dropped. I will definitely take what you wrote to heart.
I agree about my W being very unhappy with herself. She has been living something of a double (or even triple!) life for a long time. I certainly have contributed my share of problems here, but I've also been the first to wake up and seek a remedy both with her and with us in MC. She has almost never engaged though.
Re: women and divorce. I don't get it either. A good friend of mine had the exact same thing happen last year, and everyone else I know who has divorced in the last 5 years have all been initiated by the W. In a few cases the H prob deserved it, but they all seemed repentant anyway, but he W wasn't having any of it.
In my case, while I don't think D is the best, I am now cool with the S and hope that she simply continues that for a while and doesn't pursue the divorce yet until she's had a chance to really think about it. The thing is, knowing her like I do, she's more of a schemer...she always tends to look for the fast cure. She says she has been in IC for the last couple of months but has refused to talk to me about it except in very general terms, so it's possible that she isn't. I hope she is, for her sake and my sons' sake, regardless of what she decides ultimately to do about our M.
I have changed a lot over the years, have always responded well to challenges in all areas except when this sort of thing comes up. This time I'm about 80% satisfied with how I've handled things, and that is increasing every day.
Once I got over the initial shock, my prime motivator has been trying to show my kids how they have a great future ahead of them, they are still ahead of the game in many areas, and that this hurts and is difficult but it will pass. I feel like they are looking to me.
When my oldest was 3, he was running through our apartment, slipped, and hit his head on the corner of a doorway. It cut his head a very little bit. Small cut, a few drops of blood. He didn't think anything of it. I carried him into our tiny kitchen, put him up on the counter in front of the window to get a good look, and he seemed generally ok. Then my W came in, saw him with blood in his hair and freaked out. Of course, he freaked out as well, following her lead.
I learned then and there that they will usually follow our lead, and it's up to us to give them a healthy, positive one to follow. That has helped me do that and deal with my grief more than anything.
Just read through your sitch. Sorry to hear it, but it's pretty typical for a WW in the thick of an A. My story is very similar to yours, but I have 4 kids, all boys, and much younger than yours. My WW left a stable relationship of 24 years to live with a guy she had known maybe 3 months. I really feel for you, and it's especially difficult because you've been through this before. At some point, you ask yourself, will I ever be enough? Based on history, it seems your W is unhappy with herself and is blame shifting onto you.
As much as it hurts, maybe a separation or even D is the best bet for now. Give her time away to go through that journey. I hate to even suggest it, since I don't believe in D, but you can't make someone want to be in a M. My gut feeling is that your W is never going to appreciate what she had with you, until it's gone. You have to decide for yourself how much you can take and how long you are willing to wait to see if she ever comes around. Definitely focus on detachment and GAL for now, as it's likely to be a very long road home, even if WW does change her mind.
I really don't get what happens to women in mid-life but since DDay, I have talked to dozens of men who have gone through very similar situations. Seems like women hit 10-15 years of M, have a couple of kids, and then start thinking they missed out on something in life, and blame the H for all of it. I know that there are men who go nutty too, but seems like I hear about the other way around more often. And I don't really believe they ever end up more "happy" years down the road than what they could have been had they put in the work on their current relationship. But as the LBS, not sure what choice we have but to work on ourselves, and keep moving ahead with life. Good luck brother, I'll be thinking of you.
This post really hit the mark with me. I feel blessed and lucky that my WW getting busted and me demanding a D snapped her out of her funk and we were able to piece back together our shattered home. Some don't snap out of it. Some snap out of it but are too ashamed of themselves to reach back out to those they've hurt.
So I had my first DB phone coaching session today and it definitely gave me some direction and a plan even though we seem to be approaching the 11th hour here. I mainly want to be sure I've done everything I can, and with her not here and there being no communication, I want to be prepared IF an opportunity presents itself.
Otherwise, went to the gym after the coaching session. Great way to shed a lot of the stress for me.
I have to confess, it's hard coming home at night to an empty house when I've lived for so long with noise and activity. It was bad enough when both kids were gone and it was just W and I...but then after a while we came to appreciate the extra free time and freedom.
Pulling into the driveway at night my heart always sinks a little seeing it empty when I'm so used to seeing her car in her spot. But it's getting better. The lows aren't quite as low.
Main thing I'm doing right now is preparing my Last Resort letter. Got some guys coming to help work on the house tomorrow, then have IC on Weds.
Gonna get up tomorrow, greet the sun in the morning on the front porch with my coffee, and say hi to the squirrels and birds once again.
Amazingly, just got a call from my brother. He and his wife are divorcing. What is wrong with this world.
We have become a world of extreme selfishness, narcissism, and instant gratification. It's very hard to navigate it without major f*ck ups. My own WW snapped out of her insanity and I thank God for that. It can happen.
Agreed. My wife seems to be sinking deeper into hers. She started questioning me about brother's situation and how my Mom was holding up. I only text for quick alerts or to send a bit of info like a phone number. I can't stand typing long messages on that little phone. So I told her there was too much to type. Her response was: "I don't need to know all their crap. I have my own to deal with blah blah blah"
The more she does and says, the less I like her these days.
I have to confess, it's hard coming home at night to an empty house when I've lived for so long with noise and activity. It was bad enough when both kids were gone and it was just W and I...but then after a while we came to appreciate the extra free time and freedom.
Pulling into the driveway at night my heart always sinks a little seeing it empty when I'm so used to seeing her car in her spot. But it's getting better. The lows aren't quite as low.
I know how that feels. Which is really funny considering how XH and I never really talked or interacted much. We just happened to be in the same house at the same time.
You can feel this person-shaped hole at the place where your S or in my case, XS, is supposed to be. You keep expecting to see them when you next turn around. And then you realise you won't, and your breath catches and your heart aches.
For a long time after I'd moved out, I would wake up in the middle of the night and still think that I was in the old house.
But like you said, it does get better.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Yep. First couple days I couldn't even sleep. Then I'd sleep but not well. Then I slept well but felt pain immediately when I woke up. Now that pain has subsided to a dull ache most of the time.
Her attitude seems to get worse as time goes on. I'm thinking it's because I'm used to seeing her facade and now she's acting more on how she actually thinks and feels. Which is a good thing, in a way, at least that she's possibly being more genuine, even if that genuine isn't so attractive.
Makes it a little easier to detach when you find some of what she does repulsive haha.
So I remembered something last night while rattling around in this house by myself.
Years ago, before I met my wife, I dated a woman who I ended up moving in with...a huge mistake, btw, for anyone who might still be thinking that is a good idea.
Anyhow, she ended up doing the angry outbursts, and I remember being on the receiving end. I never gave it back, I took it. At that time in my life, I don't remember ever having any outbursts or even losing my temper.
So remembering what that was like actually helped me to feel what my W was feeling when I was prone to that behavior with her years ago. While it's not the total source of the problems we're having right now, it was and is a major contributing factor even if from years ago.
What I remember feeling--as 'a big, strong, man' who never really feared for my physical safety...something I rarely have ever worried about--was shock and confusion and disgust at how she was acting and treating me. I ended up writing it off the first time as a bad day. But then it happened again a couple weeks later, and began happening regularly if not every day or every week. After the first couple of times, I can remember feeling a 'switch' go off in my head and began emotionally distancing myself from her. I also remember feeling that undercurrent of tension that kept the feeling alive that she might blow at any minute. And I knew that our days were numbered, that at some point I was leaving. Just had not decided when.
The when came weeks later when she again lost her temper and yelled over something minor. When she laid down to take a nap, I headed out the door and never went back.
While the anger issues in my M have largely been solved from my side, I now see more clearly and feel more deeply than ever what likely occurred with my wife and why it's been so difficult for her all these years.
Not that she doesn't have her share of responsibility...I don't accept all the blame here, but I definitely accept my share and it's a large share.
So I'm going to send my wife my 'last resort letter' at some point at will include a brief amount of this memory and realization because I think it's particularly relevant.
While I've felt like I partially understood how my wife felt because of the damage I'd done in years past, now I think I actually know what it feels like for her, at least to a degree, because I realized I've been in her position before.
The consequences of this realization may not help the marriage at this point, I don't know. But it certainly helps me.
