Both the boys came over tonight for dinner. That was nice since they are both older and on their own and I don't see them together as much these days.
They are both very upset with their mother right now and don't want to talk to her. I thought that would be gratifying but it's not because seeing them upset breaks my heart worse than even my wife can. And I know that it is going to be perceived by my W that I am somehow turning them against her and I'm sure I will hear about that.
I think the big issue is that they saw us go through some turbulent times and saw us come out of it, and saw us get steadily closer and seemingly happier the last few years. Since the four of us are rarely together, I think they just assumed (like I did) that everything was pretty good and better than it had been for a long time. So this came as a hard blow to them as it did me...though by the time it came enough had happened that I wasn't surprised by it happening as much as how it felt, and how I felt about it.
W is surprised that my older son has been talking (on his own, initiated by him) more to me now since he and I have been somewhat at odds in the past due to some of his choices and the discussions we have had about them.
Now I face another new challenge: being there for the boys and talking to them without throwing Mom under the bus is very, very tricky. I try to keep the focus on me and the boys and how we will get through this and life will go on and be very, very good, and this won't change that.
Hi tl2, I have just read your sitch. Thanks for your perspective on my thread.
I can't really offer much advice. But what I do know is that the XH has negated all that was good about the marriage too. Made me feel a little delusional before I came here and realised that this is what they all say when there's an OP.
It's a tough balancing act btw telling the kids the truth about their mum while not being painting her to be the all out villain.
My kid is only 7 but she knows a lot. She knows that mummy is sad that daddy has left her for another woman. Ouch! But I tell her that what happens isn't her fault, and that daddy and mummy still love her. Despite all that has happened, she still loves and needs her daddy.
I guess it really is harder for you since your kids are adults. As far as I can tell, you're doing a great job. And the vets here are giving you great advice.
Last edited by Grlonfr; 10/12/1503:16 PM.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I have a session scheduled with a telephone coach today but that's just to make sure there's nothing else I can do that I'm missing.
The sadness is thick but getting better, slowly.
I work from a home office so I'm home all day alone, no co-workers here, so that was tough for a while but getting better too.
I've started doing the, "Find three things to be thankful for every morning" routine. Seems a little corny to me but it also has made me aware of how good I still have it despite the heartbreak.
Even cornier, I've been going out on the front porch with my coffee every morning and saying 'Hi' to the birds and squirrels.
Hopefully, that doesn't mean I'm crazy. I'm kind of a person of habit and was used to exchanging good mornings and brief chatter with my W every morning.
Speaking critically of your W in front of your sons wouldn't be throwing her under the bus. She already threw herself under the bus. Never cover for cheaters. If they lose dignity it's not your fault, it's theirs.
I've started doing the, "Find three things to be thankful for every morning" routine. Seems a little corny to me but it also has made me aware of how good I still have it despite the heartbreak.
That's what I do too. It does make me feel better.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
1. I have a phone coaching session with DB this afternoon. Want to make sure I do everything reasonable and healthy and necessary.
2. Have decided to go see my IC again this week...mainly to confirm how I should be handling this with the boys. They are clearly hurting and that is the main thing that really tears me up. At this point I don't feel like I've failed my wife because I feel like I've done what's necessary, however imperfectly, to show her that we can do this if we choose to. I do feel like I've failed the boys, though.
3. Getting out of town for a couple of days at the end of the month to do some fishing in the Gulf of Mexico with the boys if they can make it. One of our favorite things to do together.
4. Focusing back on work and working on the house. Several small but necessary projects that needed to get done before the holidays anyway, and also if I decide to sell the house next year. Working on the house has really helped me because it's one of those things that needs to be done and is an investment in the future just like continuing to improve myself and such is important for me to do for myself. Seeing parallels like that always comforts me for some reason.
Almost forgot: rest of the plan includes continuing to hit the gym at least 4 days a week, preferably 5.
Another thing I learned about my anger issues in the past was that a lot of it comes from stress not being relieved, and I've experienced first-hand how mental and emotional stress has physical consequences, and how strenuous exercise really lightens that up a lot.
As part of my GAL, I'm thinking of training for a Spartan Run next spring so I have something I'm working toward as opposed to only dealing with things that are out of my control.
Just read through your sitch. Sorry to hear it, but it's pretty typical for a WW in the thick of an A. My story is very similar to yours, but I have 4 kids, all boys, and much younger than yours. My WW left a stable relationship of 24 years to live with a guy she had known maybe 3 months. I really feel for you, and it's especially difficult because you've been through this before. At some point, you ask yourself, will I ever be enough? Based on history, it seems your W is unhappy with herself and is blame shifting onto you.
As much as it hurts, maybe a separation or even D is the best bet for now. Give her time away to go through that journey. I hate to even suggest it, since I don't believe in D, but you can't make someone want to be in a M. My gut feeling is that your W is never going to appreciate what she had with you, until it's gone. You have to decide for yourself how much you can take and how long you are willing to wait to see if she ever comes around. Definitely focus on detachment and GAL for now, as it's likely to be a very long road home, even if WW does change her mind.
I really don't get what happens to women in mid-life but since DDay, I have talked to dozens of men who have gone through very similar situations. Seems like women hit 10-15 years of M, have a couple of kids, and then start thinking they missed out on something in life, and blame the H for all of it. I know that there are men who go nutty too, but seems like I hear about the other way around more often. And I don't really believe they ever end up more "happy" years down the road than what they could have been had they put in the work on their current relationship. But as the LBS, not sure what choice we have but to work on ourselves, and keep moving ahead with life. Good luck brother, I'll be thinking of you.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
