The morning has been better did nnot feel such pain
I still keep trying to make things better with w
It is so difficult to pull away from her when we are getting along ok
But trying to nice her back does not seem to be working
I am still doing more arround the house with regard to laundry washing and house chores this is and has become a norm for me I seem to be doing this out of habit
Things that in the past I did just so she would see me doing them now I just do them.
If I could lose the fear I know I would feel better I fear not being able to cope I fear being all alone I fear my mum passing away she is getting old and then me having no support from my w when this happens I fear not spending time with my children on the days my W have them I fear missing out on Christmases Halloween holidays I fear the change I fear someone else making my W happy in bed I do not want another partner with children I want my life to be spent with my family I want my w and my family I want to grow old with my W
Today I will continue to make sure I am the best ghost possible
Goals Smile in the mirror Be happy arround my W We the man only a fool would want to leave
My wife's car has a slow puntcher I feel I should take it in for her a an act of kindness but this is not me pulling away
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I too am doing more around the house. I suppose if I am honest initially thus was mainly to help W or be nice. Part of it was to just be more involved.I know now that this has not and will not endear me to W. Now I continue and am even more proactive at just doing what needs to be done. I am now much better at seeing ahead what needs doing. I am doing a fair share of household stuff but not the lion's share.
For me doing this is something I want to bring to a future R. Before I waited to be asked or I asked about doing such stuff. I am careful not to be bending over backwards to please W or save her from doing stuff. What I am trying to say I am trying to get the balance right and to be roughly where it would be if everything was OK in the M.
But NOW I am thinking less of impact on W, although still consider all my actions so as not to counter my overall goals. Now I am omore consciousof the possibility that someday I will have to do everything on my own. I never feared that but I don't want to just be able to manage, I want to be best I can be so it won't be a stress. I want to be ready so most of my energy can be used for me and esp for my boys.
You are heading towards that, and whether you want it or not, it is likely you will have to run a household alone. Be ready. You need to use the time you have left before selling to be ready. Maybe W will notice that and rethink things but you cannot bank on it.
I know I probably did not reply to your biggest issues but I'll leave that to those already advising you so well.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
How do you expect a wound to heal if you keep re-opening it to see the damage.
I think you need to stop typing the words you say in each post and say them to yourself and UNDERSTAND what they mean.
When I read posts about being a better person it seems the majority go into super dad mode and mr. sheen mode. Spending endless hours with the kids and leaving the house clean and tidy like mary Poppins.
My question is if this really works. Have you really thought about what could have really messed up your marriage? Was it really only you gave a few hugs less and did not have polishing skills? Do you think trying to be Mr. Perfect will work?
IMO I think we first need to see where we really went wrong and validate what the WAS says to see if it was true. In other words use true insight. I also believe that being the best person only a fool would leave does not mean spending endless hours with the kids and leaving the home spotless but much more.
G, i really think you should stop posting on other people's boards, stop sharing and caring about their pain when it is clear you are unable to handle yours.
Whatever life may bring to you, believe me the hard part is yet to come. if you are not ready now for this part you will not be ready for the rest of the journey. This is 4play to how life will be later on.
Whether she stays or goes, you will be either piecing or rebuilding and from i know and read, it is much harder and longer than what you are going through.
Stop asking the same questions you know the answer to, get a grip on your life before you lose it.
At the end of the day it is all you can control....
Of course I do mean well and do not take my comments to heart. I wish I had the answers to many questions, that would make things easier to heal.
Unfortunately I do not. Dealing with a S that wants out, be they WW, WH WAW, WAH or any other acronym is as you have seen painful and exhausting.
Your situation now is textbook and you are totally lost, understandable. The problem is that the pit you have to drag yourself out of depends on you, your inner strength. No matter how many posts you read, no matter how many words of encouragement you get the simple fact is that at the end of the day it is up to you.
Some people do cope better than others and I believe it is because of their attitude and helpful advice. I think we all go into a sort of survival mode after a BD, a sort of ER to minimize damage without thinking things out clearly.
The thing now G is that you have been given the tools to cut the hemmorrhage, patch it up and start rehab. The tool is knowledge. You have been given lots of it and it does work. I can confirm from my own experience. I was lost (in some areas still am) but had I not found DB I would definitely be in a much worse situation than I am now.
The hardest part though G is to take off the band aid, clean the wound, apply the medicine, patch it up and move on. Peeling off the band aid once in a while to see how it is and not stop it from restricting your moves is not the answer (from dr. House hehe)
You need to take a deep breath, look at it and get to work on it for your own sake. It will hurt like h*** and will leave a scar but in time it will heal, the more so if you dont smother it. Let it breath.
I do not know your W nor you and everything I know of your situation is down to your words. You were adamant about a lot of things which turned out to maybe not be so. One thing I found out about my own situation is that I really did play a part. She is not the evil lord trying to destroy my world but the opposite. Someone trying to get out of it. My failure to be a good host and accepting this possibility is what is destroying it. So I am the evil lord.
Once you know your role, it is easier to apply the remedy.
You have to see what role you really did play (something I still think you have not done and rather easily boil it down to not helping at home and not being there). I heard the same words from my own W and it was true. I was also a lousy dad. During hard times she was the lighthouse and i guess with time it just burned her out.
Now the roles are changed and I need to be the one giving stability on all areas and unconditional love with the hope she will one day want me and not need me. If I lose her, I admit it wasnt all my fault but she did, with hindsight, put up a fight to keep this going. The fight and determination I think she deserves in return.
In your case I read about the house, selling it and how worse off she will be. To me that is needing and not wanting. G, you need to make her want to stay with you and not need to stay with you. You have to be in the position where if she had the financial means to live equally as now but on her own she would choose to stay. One thing I have found on some posts is that sometimes the partners do prefer to live less comfortably for in exchange greater happiness. Alone or with OP. We cannot lie back and gloat that they will be worse off and in time will realize it. Reckless mistake.
At this moment you are in dire need of her and do not want to lose her. I never unerstood this before but now realize that once BD happens it is the best thing to lose her, at least in your case. It may sound strange and may even have a different terminology but hear me out.
At the moment you need her. In house separation is really really tough. The boundaries are unclear and going dark or dim or any other shade of grey is complicated when you share the same light bulb. She clearly does not want you but may still need you for the time being. Looking at things as they are now, you clearly need her out of the picture (your mind) so that you can change from need to want. Like when you first met her. You wanted her and she wanted you. That attitude is what you need now. You had your life but shared it with her. Now your life IS HER. Where is yours?
If she was not in the picture you would come to terms with that, cry it out and then start your rebuilding. The fact she is still with you makes you incapable of doing that. The fact she is still with you prevents you from maturing emotionally. The fact she is still with you makes you shift your focus from yourself to her. The fact she is still with you prevents you from advancing in so many way.
I know there are those who argue that spending some time apart is not the correct thing and the gift of time the WAS give us we should put to use. The thing though is that in house separation if not handled correctly is a time that runs out with little or no gain. Sometimes not knowing is better than guessing. You live your life, let her live hers and start to fret less about what you dont know.
You G have a habit of stating you know what is going through her head, her emotions at any moment and her final intentions. Believe me, you don't. I learned this thanks to a nudge from some members. My W to this day still has an internal battle going on. I decided to stop waiting by the phone some time ago. When she needs me to step in she knows where to find me but it is her battle and she needs to be convinced on her own. You cannot force someone to be ILWY.
At the end of the day G, whatever the outcome you have to be someone different. Not a Mary Poppins. If it should come to a D then you will need alone time to sort yourself out, see who you really are and then offer that new partner a G2.0 and not Mrs. G's Ex.
