Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Parents: help me parenting while separated (2)

Dear All,
Thank you for your thoughts, sharing and love.
You cannot imagine how much it means to me that in this small planet there is someone who does not know me and yet he or she cares, that he or she spends one minute of his or her time thinking about my kid and that he or she shares with me his or her burdens.
From the bottom of my heart I say: Thank you!

Hi Ripe, as you know I am new to your sitch and am only starting to get up to speed so please accept my apologies in advance of there is any duplication of what others have said.

It is only fair to warn you that I can be quite abrupt and direct, so please do not hesitate to tell me to quit posting if you think I am stepping too far over your boundaries.

With a fresh pair of eyes on what can been seen in your sitch in the last 3-4 months it seems you have been on quite a roller coaster ride. The very recent episode with your S9 must be making you feeling very fragile right now and I really feel for you.

Your posts have been very expansive and you've given a lot of detail (here comes the tough bit) what I cannot sense is that much actual DB'ing.

You have described your feelings and that is a new experience for you, there hasn't been any talk of goal setting and very little about GAL or hardly any 180's except the talking about your feelings to your family, which is a biggee and I'm not wishing to appear to minimise the significance of that, it's simply what seems to be an isolated instance?

Have you read the DR book recently? If not, maybe now is the time to get back to the basics? Less, what's going on a the moment, more what I have planned and how I'm going to do it in the pursuit of goals, as defined in the DR book.

This is not a criticism, simply an observation based on reading a reasonable number of sitch's, that those who actually practice DB'ing get results. Maybe not those they necessarily want but they do make progress and adapt their plans accordingly. They also get a better mindset that enables them to deal with the cut and thrust of their sitch's far more dynamically than those who haven't read the DR text recently.

If you post more based on DB techniques you will get more advice and guidance about implementation and adaption that works, plus the ones expressing support that we all so desperately need every so often will continue to appear just when you need them.

Does any of this make sense or have I missed something significant and should learn to research more before getting involved?

Avanti,
Much appreciated to see you here.
And I would not want you here if not but to say what you think (a bit more of that in a moment).
I will have to seat down and write about what I have or have not done since I joined this forum. So you have just given me some homework.

Yesterday I had the most intense session with my IC.
It hurt so much that I cried for the first time in front of another person.
Well, I got the confirmation of something I know for some time now (and for some time I mean since I found this forum): I am a nice guy fearful of confronting and displeasing others.
This obviously had repercussion in my relationship with my STBXW.
Anyway, the point of the session is that I realized that I have created a fast and easy route between my brain and my mouth and that that path is pretty much automatic: whenever I face a situation where I might disagree or make it unpleasant for others I will always say something to appease them instead of revealing my true emotions.
This is so profound in me that I don’t even think about it.
And this is the work I need to perform on me: I need to stop this automatism and start being myself.
The funny part is that I was made to see that the way I act now is not as direct as I think. It is basically a reroute or a detour between the way I am and the way I express myself, between my feelings and their manifestation. And this is much harder than to be simply me.
I just need to create a direct path between my emotions and their expression to become truly sincere to myself.

Question:
My kids spent last night with me.
What do you tell you S7 when he starts saying after being called to attention: "The other house is much better than this one, it has chocolate mousse prepared by mom, it has XXX and YYYY! And this one has not!"?

Learn how to prepare chocolate mousse, or something even better! Not to compete but to do something special for the kids. Have them make it with you that is the experience they will remember - cooking with dad

You are right, you are guilty of a lot of things "mr nice guys" do and they don't work, as you are now realising.

My marriage.
During my marriage I would not share my feelings. My friends would know of certain emotions and events before my wife did.
A sex starved marriage syndrome developed.
I knew a marriage should not be like this and that something was deeply wrong, yet I did nothing to change the status quo.
Passiveness was how I was. By avoiding every single time discussing problems I hoped to get some more time to breathe until the next time.
My W became more and more bitter towards me.
I was afraid of her, of confronting her, even when she despised me.
At a certain point I started hating my M. In order to be able to bear it and I made a promise to hold on until my youngest son would go to college. I did nothing to change things.
And then the Bomb was dropped.
I did all the initial mistakes.
In November 2014 I found this forum.
I bought the DR and read it all.
I started applying the LRT.
In January 2015 W announced she would only stay in this foreign land until June 2015, when the kids would start their school holidays.
I started sleeping on the MBR floor.
I established several goals:
- I want to stay in the same room without discomfort;
- I want to still be together by April;
- I want to sleep in the same bed with W;
- I want to look into her eyes and smile when the kids do something funny, and her into mine;
- I want for her to initiate some conversation about trivial matters with me;
- I want for her to come with us on our family trips during school breaks.
I became distant but polite.
I focused even more on my kids. They were my main GAL. I became a very good dad, firm and attentive to their needs.
I started going for walks after dinner.
Slowly I started feeling the ice melting away. W started touching me occasionally.
12 April I decided I should sleep in the bed, which I did with no opposition.
We started slightly touching in bed.
End of May in bed I held her without opposition.
We started having very long conversations in bed, during which I was able to share my feelings as never before. W said I was a different person.
In June we reconciled. W decided to stay abroad with me one more year. She extended her unpaid leave until 2016. We enrolled the kids for one more year at school.
During that period I started acting again as her husband, treating her as my precious princess.
In July the kids and she flew home.
W stopped contacts until I flew home in August. She then said she wanted to divorce me. I did not expect this at all.
September 2015 she found a new flat for her and the kids.
I started again to put some distance between us but we acted as a regular family.
1 October the kids and she moved out.
My present main goals, considering that I do not want to get W back any more (que sera sera):
- To know myself and understand how and why I became to be who I am;
- To become aware of my feelings;
- To express my feelings;
- To stop being ashamed of wanting what I want.
- To keep practicing on my kids what I learned by reading the book “Raising an emotionally intelligent child”.
What I have accomplished so far:
- I shave every day and put cologne for the first time in my life;
- I started playing classical guitar after a 20 year stop;
- I started freely listening to classical music without being ashamed of it;
- I started therapy with an IC. It has been a wonderful experience of self-discovery.
- I started meditating regularly after having taken part on an online course.
- I take my kids on long trips abroad without feeling guilt or empty because W is not coming.
- I am currently taking a Berkeley online course on Happiness. This is my main GAL activity, with several practical exercises to be done as homework.
- I exercise regularly at home, since I don’t have time to go to a gym.
- I have connected with my mother, sister and younger brother, with my uncle and aunt, after several years of superficial attachment. I keep regular contact with them and open myself to them.
- I read almost daily DB Forum, which is my main source of inspiration.

Ripe, kids say things like this in innocence, he doesn't mean it to be hurtful. He's just pointing out that Mom has mousse! So just say "wow, mousse sounds yummy!" and, like Jpeg suggested, find something your house can be known for. A special recipe, a craft, an activity, something. And I'll be he goes and tells mom, "the other house is much better than this one because we get to play indoor Frisbee!"

I think it is more than just that, SunnyB.
Yesterday I had the kids with me.
S7, after entering the flat, saw on the wall some of his new drawings that I had put there (STBXW took with her the dozens of drawings the kids had done, emptying the walls). He immediately became angry and took them out, saying he would take them with him to the new house.
He also repeated several times that he did not want any longer to come to this house, this was his last time, that he would always stay with mom, etc, etc.
Finaly, he took another piece of paper and drew a sun, some clouds, an airplane and three central figures, identifying them by name: brother, mom, me.
Under the ground, to the left of the drawing, he drew another figure in horizontal position, two Xs as eyes, which he identified: dad.
He gave me the drawing.
I told he was being mean on purpose, that he was hurting me and he knew it.
I prepared dinner.
After dinner I read the kids the usual bedtime story. By then he was OK.
I told him that during the weekend we would talk about his feelings and mine (obviously, he said "no!"). But we will.

Oh my Ripe, yes that needs addressing. Probably with some professional help and with a wary eye to what W is telling him. I want to go back and read your sich a little closer.