financially i was keeping everything stable, i was never late on rent,car payment, light, gas , water, food every week, dance school for my daughter, her embroidery machine payment. We would have small luxuries to buy every 2 or 3 weeks depending on the budget. What bothered her is that we werent going to be able to buy a house like this or go on vacation every year like she always wanted. But she didnt want to go back to work either. She was just mad that i didnt want quit my good office job with air conditioner instead of going out in the oil refineries or out doing labor working 70 hrs per week. And that came out her mouth. Does that sound like a supporting W? that broke my heart when she told me that.
What luxuries would she demand all the time and what were bought every few weeks? Seems strange she would demand this luxurious life but only have room in the budget for small things every 2-3 weeks. What specifically did she complain about when it came to finances other than you getting another job. More details about the finances and these luxuries since you keep mentioning them.
I'll tell you right now your thread is rubbing me the wrong way and making me itch to uncover more. You have done nothing but attack everything your W has ever done and when we pointed out some things about her feelings you immediately excused your actions and attacked her again. Im not buying it. I've still not seen you take actual responsibility for anything that led up to the breakdown of your M. Many of us who come on here are in such a state that we get tricked into taking full responsibility for the problems and in your case it seems the opposite. Maybe I'm wrong, who's to say. It could be that your just not opening up and venting afyer keepong thingd in for so long but either way what your W did or did not do in the past is irreverent now. You're here to make you the best version of yourself. The only reason you should be focusing or thinking about her past actions is to find out your role in it to fix.
Here's another tip, even if she was this ass hole person who walked over you and took advantage,your role was letting it happen, you still contributed to it. You would still be just as responsible for that set of dynamics happening as she would be. It takes 2 to f' up a marriage.
Last edited by Fogg; 09/26/1509:08 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
i learned that i need to change the way i am with her. That means no more Mr Nice guy. Yes i need to talk more , it's going to be hard since im a man with few words by nature. But first thing is first. Monday i will go ahead with the L since the well being of my daughters isnt looking good. My home is 110% better than a woman shelter. I have my aunt baking me up and is willing to come to the house and watch my girls while i work. I will stand up for myself and not let her step on me like she always has. She is really hurting me by keeping my daughters away from me this long. I bet they are asking for me , daddy daddy ? I miss my 2 girls so much. I feel that this love that i have for my wife is turning little by little into hate for using my daughters as a weapon.
well she complained that by my salary we were barely making it through. We had enough to pay all our bills but not enough to save money. Not enough for her to head to the store and buy herself clothes or what ever she wanted. She always had to ask me if we had enough money to buy this cute shirt, and she didnt like that. She told me that her life goal was to go on vacation every year and i didnt look like i would be able to afford that either. Keep in mind that in this budget it included an expensive cell phone bill from her , she wasnt willing to downgrade to a cheap provider either because i wasnt suppose to "lower her standards". In this budget we had a 150 dollar payment to an embroidery machine for her stay at home business she never really worked on. She made a big deal she wanted her own home business and that the machine would pay itself, but guess who made all the monthly payments ? me. She was complaining we were going anywhere with my 60k salary. But than again she was willing to help out and work. She said she would rather be living alone with my daughters and working , than having to help me with money.
I know what she is thinking right now. She thinks im just going to go on about my business , wait for child support to hit and just pay. She knows that I wouldnt dare to get a L and fight for my daughters because she knows im not that confrontational husband. Little does she know Ive changed this past 2 weeks shes been gone. I not Mr.Nice guy anymore I will exercise my rights as a father and prove to her there is consequences for her extreme actions.
I thought I had toughen up this past week. But i burst out into tears last night since i kept remembering my wife and girls. I was so determined to get my L to file for 100% custody but this morning i woke up with no determination at all, i just miss her and love her. I know I will hurt her if i take my girls back. And the last thing i want to do is hurt her. But i also dont want my daughters in a shelter. I am so broken right now. Ive accepted Jesus christ as my savior and gave me my body and soul in order lead me the right direction.
The talk of "No More Mr Nice Guy" is the title of a book. It doesnt mean that you are supposed to be a jerk or intentionally do things that will hurt your W or anything like that. I havent read it, so I cant say for sure, but you may find some interesting things in it.
Originally Posted By: angel r
My home is 110% better than a woman shelter.
Stop it. This is you projecting onto your W. You still cant understand her side, and so you can only see through your own eyes. Your W did not make this decision lightly. She believes it is best for her and the kids. Im not saying it is or it isnt, but thats what she thinks. You need to learn to give her opinions value and understand them, even if you dont agree with them.
Originally Posted By: angel r
well she complained that by my salary we were barely making it through. We had enough to pay all our bills but not enough to save money. Not enough for her to head to the store and buy herself clothes or what ever she wanted. She always had to ask me if we had enough money to buy this cute shirt, and she didnt like that. She told me that her life goal was to go on vacation every year and i didnt look like i would be able to afford that either. Keep in mind that in this budget it included an expensive cell phone bill from her , she wasnt willing to downgrade to a cheap provider either because i wasnt suppose to "lower her standards". In this budget we had a 150 dollar payment to an embroidery machine for her stay at home business she never really worked on. She made a big deal she wanted her own home business and that the machine would pay itself, but guess who made all the monthly payments ? me. She was complaining we were going anywhere with my 60k salary. But than again she was willing to help out and work. She said she would rather be living alone with my daughters and working , than having to help me with money.
One thing Ive learned is that both partners need to really understand the family's finances. My W and I would go through something similar. W would ask me: "can we do X?" or "I want to go to Y" and I would hem and haw and say that we cant afford it or that we shouldnt or whatever. That put me in a position of always being the bad guy, and her in the position of always needing to ask. It wasnt that I wanted a tight control, I just did it. But because she never understood the financial picture, we always had this dynamic. I felt the stress of saying no and she felt the stress of asking. Im guessing it's the same for you - had you made 70k or 80k or 150k, it likely would not have been enough given your dynamic.
Originally Posted By: angel r
I will exercise my rights as a father and prove to her there is consequences for her extreme actions.
If your goal is to prove this to her, it wont work. She will see right through it. Prove this to yourself. Show yourself how strong you are. Then, you will learn your own strength. And someday, she may see it.
Originally Posted By: angel r
i burst out into tears last night
Tears are not a sign of weakness. They are the sad emotions leaving your body. The steps here are not easy, but you can take them as you need to.
So I sent my wife an email 3 days ago where I opened up to her. I shared with my deepest emotional problem. I told her how i was neglected when i was little boy and how that is affecting the way I am parenting and the way it has affected our marriage because i am not there for emotionally. I told her i have surrendered to Jesus Christ. I have gave him all my worries and sins and advised her to do the same. I have become closer to Jesus and God in this stage of my life. It's shame it had to get to this point to where i finally talk to Jesus. I offered my wife the house and told her i would leave the house since i still need to fix my deep emotional problems. I didnt get an answer from her email. Today her cousing txt me asking me how I was. (shes the only one that sees how she has treated me and how unfair she is being with me right now) I asked her to txt my wife how she was doing and how was she feeling. Maybe reconsidering her decision or anything. This is what her cousing told me she said "so she just said shes sressed and has anxiety from everything and is taking medication, as for reconsidering she doesnt seem to want to , shes already spoken to the lawyer that the shelter provided, shes just getting all anxious "the closer the date gets" thats what she said and that you pulled the jesus card before.
