Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Falling forward, not back.

I think you could handle those issues on your own.

BT, I agree with Painter. This morning, you came to a realization that so many of us struggle with. H cannot hear you right now; however, now that you know that, you will stop trying to be heard. THAT takes some pressure (unspoken, but alive) off your H. It is a HUGE step in detachment. You may find your counseling begins to take a turn for the better!

H will actually begin to feel that you're stepping back from him. When the spouse senses the pressure is off, the R dynamics begin to change. I wouldn't cancel the counseling at all. I'd go back with my brand new attitude and see what happens.

My situation didn't begin to change until I no longer pinned any hope on reconciliation. I still don't, but I'm willing to go to counseling to see what other changes are in store now that I'm fine either way. Best case scenario? We manage to work out our problems and build a new marriage. Worst case scenario, we continue with the divorce. I'm going to be fine either way at this point...but, what if?

I'm willing to go because of the "what if".

You've just arrived at one of the most important realizations a LBS can grasp. Your entire attitude is going to change. It's worth continuing counseling at this point just to observe the changes in your relationship dynamics now that the pressure is off to have him hear you. If positive changes occurs, you can address your need to be heard later, once you guys are on solid ground, if that is what happens.

I hope this helps

i see what you're saying, and I understand not wanting to go. But if he is that adamant about a D, do you think that not going will improve the situation between the two of you?

Could these sessions create an environment where you can make yourself heard?

Oops nevermind, Ancaire's advice sounds much better.

Ok, seems opinion is split. I just worry that it is still pursing in a way. He did tell her is willing to go for me. I just don't want to hurt things any further.

So, just received final order dates. Looks like at earliest D would be mid-to-late April. So 6.5 months to DB and for A to end. If I decide I want H back that is.

I feel like you heard something you didn't like, so you react emotionally and abruptly by shutting down. It reminds me of the common urge to make a big decision as a reaction to pain, or to end uncertainty.

If he's willing to go for you, how is that a negative?

Painter, I have decided to go since H is willing. Maybe it helps us start conversing again and helps him soften his edge. H does not contact me and I do not contact him. I have not heard anything from him since a necessary/ business text I had to send a week and a half ago. It has been so much better with him out of the house as I feel I have been able to finally detach more. For the past month, I have been doing really good with DB. Any interaction on my part has been light and friendly. I feel like I can breathe again!!

I will say, even though I am not ready to date, I have kept my mind off H by wondering about who the guy I saw at the wine bar this week is. I have seen him around the area a couple of times lately. Does that count as GAL??? I also feel like my self-esteem has had a big boost this week. One if the guys from bootcamp told the female friend I went out with this week to tell me he thinks I am beautiful and my H is a fool. You know what, he is right!! As most LBS' my esteem took a big hit after BD. Hearing kind words from others certainly helps you to start believing in yourself again.

Off to get my hair done!

BT13

It sounds like you are making a great turning point and the fact that you are thinking about another guy shows some serious detachment. Is it too soon to go on a casual date, just for more of an ego boost and some conversation with the opposite sex?

Good for you, BT!

How did your hair turn out? I need to do something with mine, but it's so short I hate to mess with it. I did my version of a Britney this summer when I cut my waist length hair into a short stacked bob. I loved it for a while. But guess what OW has that I no longer do? Long, thick hair...

I hate the damage to my self-esteem most of all. I can be a train wreck at times...lol