I'll tell you right now don't read anything into those signs. I've had many of them as early as 7 months ago. The huge displays of affection are likely compensation to prove to herself and you she's still a good mother,mind reading anyway. The hesitation means nothing also. I've had those happen when W was completely consumed with the A and when it seemed to be dead. Means nothing.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
You are probably right fogg. It's hard to hold onto hope, move forward, notice small signs, remember not to believe their words. Everything seems to run against the next piece of advice. I want to stay optimistic, but I know that it's bleak right now. This was her first weekend alone in our house. She usually goes to her mom's, but didn't this time. I hope it may have been enlightening as to what the future will look like, if she continues this path
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I shut out the small signs now just because they do nothing to help me. In fact, I've seen more signs she cares about the D and what she's doing to our family in the last 3 week than I have in the last 9 months. Things I wanted to see from the beginning. Truth is it could still mean nothing in the long run and best to notice but don't view it as things are going to change soon.
To explain some about those signs to give you an idea of why not to cling to anything. D4 told me W had a huge meltdown and cried hard almost immediately after signing our separation agreement. I seen her stop our van in the parking lot driving away but didnt understand shy shd sat there for a while not moving. She made some excuse to delay the D paperwork for tax reasons until next year, she's had the paperwork since January and there's always some reason it hasn't been done, idk why. SIL said she showed her some vulnerability doe the first time (ended up being the day I texted her about the eseparqtion agreement). W looked at phone and started to cry some, SIL asked her what was wrong and W said "....just Fogg" in a sad tone staring at her phone, then changed the subject. I texted W earlier I'm thr week telling her I found an apartment and it would be ready in a week. She didn't reply at all then but suddenly had plans for the night an hour later with a friend she normally drinks and cries with. D4 tells me later "mommy cried at the store" which is where she was when I texted her.
So you can see I could latch onto these things and hope they lead to something on the future, which I have a tiny amount of hope for. But right now it means nothing. I'm moving out,we're still on the path to D and when all is said and done it could lead to nothing. She shows me none of this crying, but I see the depression creep out sometimes.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
How do you keep PMA with your W during this? Everything that I see as a positive interaction, I know detach, may be her trying to be friends. She has asked favors and offered some too. (Nothing sexual) So the positive things give me hope, and lift my spirits... but I have no way of knowing if they are truly positive steps.
How do you guys stay upbeat?
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
There's a poster on here whose signature says "anytime I feel sad, I start feeling awesome instead" or something like that. I find I stay upbeat by focusing on the positives in my life. I have so much good, that if I pay attention to that, I will stop being so down.
Most of my interaction with W the past week was at kids ballgames. I am very able to stay positive while around others, because I can lose myself in the kids for a while. I have been able to have fun with the other parents too. But, if it is just W and I, I tend to fall back into my comfort zone for a minute. I listen, try to validate, etc. I don't want her to think I will just be her friend, but I don't want to be cold and avoiding either. I have told her this, but she ignored it/tested me on it last week. I am unsure on how to act around her. I can't just be myself, because she doesn't want that right now, and it would be counterproductive. I have found some music that can "pump me up", and it has helped somewhat. I wish I could just move forward, but I feel like I am stuck in the mud somedays. I have a little self esteem coming back, because I know that I have a lot of people that care about me, and I am a good person. This problem with her, is her problem. Not mine. I have tried for months to help her with it, to no avail. I, and my kids, are collateral damage of whatever she is going through. I pray many times a day to help me be strong confident, and help me walk the right path. I pray for my boys, and I pray for her, her happiness, and for a chance at reconciling our M. I have been staying busier, for the most part. Many ballgames with the boys, camping with the boys. Hanging out with friends and family. Still not enjoying this as much as I used to, but I think that will come. I hope.
Mon- work ot, then ball Tues-work and counseling with priest Wed- work, ball, kids spend the night Thurs- work, kids spend the night Fri- ? Sat- basketball camp in the am, ? Sun- church, ?
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
S4, at the ballgame the other night, was playing on my phone. Apparently, he took a pic of W. It is not a flattering pic of her. She looked like she is fuming. I was standing next to her, and she was talking to me about s8, who was at a friends house. In a really weird way, I think I need to see this pic, because that is who she is right now. Angry and unhappy, but still trying to put on a show that everything is ok.
I am working on putting on that show too, I guess. I find a few more moments each day that I can smile and laugh at. Still not nearly enough, but there are more
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
