Quote: ...It would be consistent with the Alien SOP manual they distribute at orientation....
ROTL!!!
You've been doing well. Try not to read to much into his behavior, don't let yourself get spun around, and don't let his behavior drive your PMA. Let things unfold.
Betsey makes a great point. They are tremendously racked with guilt and all sorts of other stuff, especially on big days like this. Remember if you push, he will run, so be relaxed and give off a I'm happy and cool vibe. Think of a scared animal thats cornered, they are dangerous. It is always a little icy after a good interaction, the way of the rollercoaster.
Seattle, I think you and Betsey are right. I never thought of it that way before. My thinking was, why the heck wouldn't he want to see me on my b-day, but Betsey makes a very good point!! Thanks for helping me see all sides!
Ok, this is kinda scary! Not only is it Rottzilla's birthday, it is Eddy's birthday too!
Happy Birthday Carrie!!!
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Well, my H has officially got the worst sense of timing of anyone I've ever met. He chose tonight, my birthday, to bring me D papers that he had printed and started to fill out. Um, maybe I should back up...
I was really dreading this birthday and spending it alone, but it actually was a great day. Got lots of phone calls, e-mails, went out to lunch, H seemed to be coming back around, etc. I got an e-mail from him this morning wishing me a happy b-day and then a couple calls late this afternoon. We decided he'd come over tonight and we'd get dinner and hang out. So I picked up dinner, he came over, we were having a really nice time. He brought over a bunch of stuff for me: books, etc. He also had a gift bag, and under it on the coffee table a folder. So, after we finished eating and there was a break in the chat, he said, well are you ready for your gifts? I said yeah, sure! Then he got kind of weird and was like, well, this is kind of the ultimate good gift- bad gift scenario. I was like, okay.... He said, what do you want first? I said, bad I guess. So he picks up the folder. Says these are the D papers. I printed them up online and started filling them out. BUT I am giving them to you now b/c you're getting ready to go on your trip and I don't even want you to think about it at all. Just go and have fun and don't even think about these. Then he goes into this monologue about how he has realized through this that we are and have always been great friends. And that we were much better as friends than as a couple (sound familiar rj?) and that he hoped that would never end. I was in shock. I couldn't believe that of all days he chose my b-day to do this?? I got a little choked up and was trying not to cry. He was like, what are you thinking? I said, your timing is brutal. He said, not really, things are going so well in your life right now. He said, I wasn't trying to be brutal, I thought it was a good time because you're getting ready to go on vacation and you can just forget about it. He said no time would be good and so I thought this would be better because I also have a really great b-day gift for you. So I tried to stay as composed as possible and just nod and agree.
Then he hands me my b-day card. On the inside it was printed 'happy b-day to one of the sunniest people I know'. He said, you are by far the sunniest person I know. I said thanks. Then he had written some stuff encouraging me on my new job prospect. Then he wrote: I hope we are always close even though things might not be the way we expected them to be years ago. Above all, I remain your friend (underlined) always. With Love, H. This got a me a little teary again (hell, I really wasn't recovered from the D papers). Then he gives me a gift bag. He says this is not only a birthday gift but a thankyou for all I've done lately around the house and taking care of the dog and everything else. The first thing is a book related to my new job. The next is a new i-pod. He had already set it up with 3,000+ songs. This I was very excited about. Definitely got my mind off the D papers for awhile. We have one already but it's older and this was one of the new ones and really cool. He said he had been wanting to get it for me for a long time and thought this was a perfect time. So we goofed around with it for a long time, he made me put in the headphones while he played song after song for me. He even created a playlist of songs for me to listen to on the plane trip tomorrow. We chatted some more and then made plans for tomorrow morning (he asked if I wanted to keep the dog tonight and then I could drop her off in the morning, leave my car at his apt and he'd drive me to the airport), and he headed out. Got a couple hugs.
So, the weird thing was that the presentation of the folder of D papers was very similar to bomb night, after he did it, then he seemed to be in a great mood. He also seemed to be acting very confident, very secure. Like when I am less so (tonight), then he is more so.
As soon as he left I started bawling, went and got the D folder out of the drawer he had stuffed it in, and just couldn't stop crying. He called about 5 minutes later. I tried to compose myself before I answered, he asked if I was upset? I said no. He said he wanted to call to let me know that he wasn't trying to be brutal with his timing. He wanted me to know that. He thought that giving the papers to me at a time when he had a lot of love for me was a good thing. I said okay. He said again that he wasn't trying to be mean or brutal. I said okay. Then he said get some sleep and see you in the morning.
I have to say, I was blindsided. Did not see this coming at all. H and I haven't brought up anything about D or papers or anything. I think we've said the word D maybe three times. So I have to wonder, where did all this come from? When he asked me last week in the R talk if we could keep going the way we were going, was he asking permission to start this D? I should also mention my H is a major procrastinator. So the fact that he actually did the research and printed them up and starting filling them out is amazing. A small part of me has to wonder if this is something else that his father is prodding him to do. His father likes to get on his ass to do just about everything, so who knows? Maybe I am just bitter though b/c the IL's didn't even call to wish me a happy b-day today. Very weird.
I feel lost. I have no idea where I go from here. I have no idea where the 'we're better as friends' thing came from, he's never mentioned this angle before. This went from a decent b-day to the worst of my life. I'm rambling.
Still have to pack for my trip and be up at the crack of dawn. G'night for now...
First of all, huge hugs to you. You are really amazing, sweet, beautiful person- such a special friend to so many of us! and so many people who you meet know that, H is big ass moron right now....
((((((((((carrie)))))))))
wow. H's timing, crazy....WTF Ok, he seems really out of it right now, but it's part of the haze/depression, and his immaturity about R's. All of which can be overcome. And you really made the best out of that visit, you get an A+ for that! SERIOUSLY!!! That's what really counts, too- for you and the sitch's progress in time. How GREAT you are! Take heart in knowing that daggers in any shape and form come up as part of this process, so this does not have to be a huge setback.
So, me being me, I'm gonna pull all the good out of this I can for you. Let it all out, center yourself - promising thoughts are here still...... H is doing so much stuff for you and calling, IMing so often. He really wants you in his life..forever- he even said..
-I got the "better as friends" too, as you know(LOL!) As I see it, it is an intermediate stage-- where they have now realized how great you are, but still have reservations about M or R. The guilt is part of this too- they feel bad, b/c it's obvious how great you are! Key point to focus on there is "how great you are", not the "they feel bad" part, b/c people's feelings can and do change in time when we influence them! Just got to do it in the right way- subtle.... The basic foundation for your M is there, just needs to get to the "in love" level now.. The best way I have found to see this for myself is to imagine a continum of feelings-- hate to love/"in love"
0-------------------------0
hate like love in love
H has used the L word - and all his gestures toward you show that- so you are at the love level, which is just one step below "in love". Now, all you have to do is get up one step to the "in love" level.... and honestly I don't think you are that far from it.
What's worked for me is building those fires to get to "in love" again-- and it is a subtle thing that grows in time... Also, with DB- adding more mystery. Starting from "pre-dating" mode in the way you interact, adding the excitement,passion, the spark in your flirting/joking etc. Not being that same old person that H has pigeonholed you into. What separates a "friend" from a "lover", right? The passion, the ultimate closeness in comfort/connecting.. like you two are one. You've had this before with H, so it is not gone, just buried underneath there. I think our H's are in a similiar place with feeling bored and stifled by M- so what changes that ultimately is them seeing us as "hot/cute, cool, exciting chics" again. Not the predictible, boring girl next door who does their laundry type thing or the one who's home at night- Time for H to see how other men think you're hot, that you are exciting, flirtatious and confident as hell! All the sudden you may become "his woman" if he sees guys getting interested in you... There are many other factors that make people feel connected and in love--physical attraction, lots of common interests, similarities in lifestyle, language, dress- basically being on the same page in a major way. I know, it can seem like a lot, but what sums it up for me is the "pre-dating" notion. Also, one huge thing for men is bonding through interest activities.. So, if you can come up with some action oriented ideas in that dept- that will really help. What can H teach you? guitar? writing poetry?I can honestly tell you that this works, b/c my sitch has built up from "good friends" to the sparks of "in love" again... So, take heart in the fact that this CAN happen still!!!
"I hope we are always close" "the way WE expected them to be"
he had a lot of love for me
he hoped that would never end
Last edited by rj2; 03/21/0402:36 AM.
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
