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True sandi, I meant more like "something came up" type of thing, not necessarily a "I'm going out to eat"...

Up and Sandi, I think I get what you are saying. Be vague and mysterious and give her something to think about. She doesn't really deserve to know all about my life, if she doesn't want to be my partner. I am trying to not be mean about it. And, I am not asking questions to her unless it's about the boys. For now, she is just like a babysitter that has power to make decisions.

I will be ok regardless. I will be happy, and it's actually starting. I will act, not react. She will be a fool to leave me. I am stronger, and a little more confident (working hard at posture to show it). And I KNOW that I have done everything I could to make amends and show her that I understand where I screwed up. Trying to drop the rope, and worry about us boys! Can't do anything for the M until she wants to anyway.

Her turn now.

Hi all, I am rereading DR again, and in the experiment and monitor stage (LRT) it says to look for signs of friendliness, etc to know if you are making progress. My W is uber-friendly with me, trying to hang onto me through this D. So what signs should I be looking for in my sitch. I know it's early on, but I just want to know what to watch for.

Thanks everyone!

Uphill, this is to you (sorry for the hijack, dday.) b/c I don't think you are seeing what I'm trying to point out. My point is not over what he says to her. My point is that they are separated and he shouldn't be contacting her to tell her anything. If he decided to be with friends, instead of going to the game, why should he contact her to say anything? He does not owe her an explanation when he's trying to not be her friend, at the moment. Plus, it's total pursuit.

Gotcha! I thought you were talking about the wording of it. Sorry sandi...

Sandi, or anyone else, can you tell me what I should be looking for?

Your own mirror is what you should really be looking for. You know what that means. Almost all of what you see from her is going to be vague and may mean nothing. She puts on a show just like you do at times so it's never really solid info.

Example, my wife shows me no tears over the situation but I know from other sources(that I'm trying to remove) that she cries all the time. So what happens if I look at the no tears. I focus on her not loving me and being fully done with no hope. The other side is I look at the hidden tears and believe its for me and/or the marriage. I start to think she's rethinking things and could change her mind soon. I've seen these signs multiple times and got my hopes up, it hurts. In the end it may mean a trying and we won't know for sure until something happens to directly change it. Remember, this isn't all about you.

So you stay on course and focus on you for the most part. The more you look for those signs things are getting better the more your mind will find them from nothing, and the bigger dissapointment.

When/if she wants to come back you will know it. You see the signs she's latching onto you and doesn't want to let go,keep that tiny sliver of hope things may change and don't over think it anymore than that.

Thanks fogg. That helps. BTW, we had a miscarriage months after we got married. My wife wasn't happy again until we had S8. Then, her entire life revolved around the baby. I never really got her fully back.

Spent tonight at s6 ball game. I helped coach, W sat in the stands. My brain bounced between 'I love that girl and hope she sees the value in us, and wants to work on it' and 'I can't believe that she is so selfish and foolish to throw away are family and future'.

More than a few people have asked me why I would want her back if she threw me away. Tonight, I am wondering the same thing. I am doing just fine on my own. And 2 of my 3 boys have made comments of wanting to be with me more and their mom less. I am NOT going to put them in the middle. It feels good to me to be wanted by MOST of my family

Not sure if that is me starting to detach and let her go? Don't know if this is progress or regression. I still love her, but I don't need her now. This is new. I want more than anything to keep my family together but I will find happiness even if it doesn't work out.