Alright, I'll make this as short as possible. If it is possible.
Wife of 14 years left about 3 months ago. Month before she left I caught her having an online affair. She had met the guy a few times, but I know for a fact they never did anything. So, after I had caught her I realized that there is an underlying problem.
I asked what needed changing, and worked very hard to fix it. She swore she wasn't talking to him anymore, and I believed. A month later I hacked her snapchat, and saw they were still talking.
I confronted her, and asked why. We argued a little, and she left. Begged her to stay.
Next day I begged, cried, said I would kill myself and everything. She wouldn't come home.
That night our 15 year old daughter told me she say mom texting the guy, and they were going to meet. I called her, and told her. She yelled and screamed.
Came home at 1 am, and we had a huge fight. She beat the [censored] out of me, and ended up on the ground a few times. Next day I put an exparte on her. She was going to do it, but I got to court house first. That pissed her off. She begged me to remove it, and I did in less than a week.
Since then it's been both of us say F-off, I hate you, and just about anything you can think off. I recently boxed all her stuff up, and made her come get it. I did buy her a washer and dryer for her house she is renting. Anyway, we have been horrible to each other. She comes up with a different reason why she won't come home.
She has told people she is 110% sure she is never coming back. Has told me she doesn't want to be with me. She did say she hoped one day I would forgive her. She used to respond to me no matter what. Now she just ignores me. I would say I was quite a bit meaner to her then she me. I feel bad when I do it. I am a controlling person, and that was part of the problem. She said she may be broke, but she's happy. Doesn't feel like she's walking on eggshells, and living someone else's life. So, I sent her an email apologizing for everything, and saying I know she won't believe me, cause I'm nice one minute then an ass the next. I asked her if she would like to try NC for a few weeks or months. Whatever she wants. I asked to just let me know. She never responded. I'm just going to do that and see what happens.
I do love her, and would do anything for her. She might've come home by now if I would've left her alone when she left, but I have been so pissed for the last 3 months it's hard to be nice.
I've been left with all bills, and then she complains to me she has no money, but she can drive all over the place, and go to a sports bar with her friends.
Anyway, it's time to accept she probably won't come back. She had given me the I love you cause you were my husband and father of my children, but not in love speech. I doubt there is any chance, but NC is the last resort.
Any other advice? She has said that I might change for a week or month or a year, but I'll go back to the way I was.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/19/1506:27 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I know why it happened. It's just hard to believe that someone who told me they loved me, and wanted to stay together forever left me less then 24 hours after saying that.
Here is the email I sent. It's the last one I'll do. Excuse the language.
I have been a brutal mean f-----g [censored] since the day you left. Why? That's a good question. I don't really know the answer. I can't tell you how I feel though. I was pissed. I was mad that you left. I was mad that I caused you to leave. I was mad that I failed as a husband and made you look at another man. I was supposed to be the protector of the family and instead I hurt you. Yes, I was hurt also, but not physically. I did get lazy in our marriage taking you for granted. Marriage is work everyday and I layed back and did nothing. Fought with you over the dumbest [censored] possible. I know one minute I'm saying this then it's [censored] off or something. Hell, I'd say I was bipolar if I was watching me. I'm not. I do love you and would love to have you by my side as an equal. I wouldn't treat you inferior. Of course you won't believe a single thing I'm saying, cause I've done nothing but prove I won't change. It's hard when you're not here. It's hard on me. I love you more than anything and you're gone. I'm pretty sure that you'll never come back after all I've done. That ship sailed about the end of the first month you were gone or maybe sooner. I promise this, I will never give up trying to be better. Hopefully we can be friends at least and then you never know. I'm sure you're thinking, [censored] that I'll never go back to him. Don't blame you at all. I'm not negotiating or controlling you or anything with this. Please, let's go 2 full weeks without saying anything, other than girls. 2 weeks or longer. That's up to you. Go whatever time you'd like with no contact and see how we feel after that time. That's all I ask. Please text me and let me know if you will. I won't respond. If you say yes, then just out how long you want and I'll do it. If not, I understand why. I love you and I think under all the hatred you have for me that I've caused you still love me also. Look deep down and please let's try. I swear on the girls I will not contact for whatever length of time you say. Other than about the girls. I love you and I hope you're doing well. You still are beautiful to me.
John - I'm sorry that you're here. You will find some great advice here that will get you through this.
There's a lot ^^^^ to digest. But I want you to think about this. You control your own actions, reactions, and words. She doesn't cause you to say mean or rude things. So if you love her so much, why are you choosing to say them?
Cause I was mad and it was my automatic reaction to being hurt. It was and is wrong. She didn't respond to my email, but I'm going to leave her alone until I hear from her.
Wow! Why would either of you want each other again?
Quote:
I do love her, and would do anything for her. She might've come home by now if I would've left her alone when she left, but I have been so pissed for the last 3 months it's hard to be nice
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That happens a lot to people who try to control others. It sounds as if both of you have anger issues. The violence, alone, and how you treated her b/c she would not return to you. Why would she?
Anyway, I'm not hear to beat up on you. I will tell you that this M has no chance to survive, if you don't change.........and STAY changed. Are you really ready to do anything for her? How about doing anything for yourself? are you willing to get into counseling, anger management, and like you said......."do anything"?
Get Divorce Remedy ASAP.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
