Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Letting go, really hurts (Smothy 9)

Do you really want to be depending on his money? Cut him loose smoothy, you're worth more than that. I think the request for food money is to see how far away you are from him. Mindreading, but I guess he is regretting his decisions and is finding it hard to cope.

dear Smoth,

no need to be sorry darling. I can just turn you off anyway

why? because you are human girl. this grief is bigger than us remember. it is just a human condition/response. we are lucky. we are afforded the luxury of grief. we are the upper echelon in this karmic cycle.

hopefully without undermining emotions or god forbid LOVE, think of it this way:

everything that you think and feel is in your brain, commanding different chemistry, using different networks etc. you have a 20 year worn track in your brain where H was there. it is like the Nile through your brain.

now you have diverted down a small creek. at every opportunity your brain will try to get back to the Nile. once you are there you will rationalise what and why it is wrong and you will be angry, miss him etc.

the trick is to go back to your creek. it WILL widen into a beautiful river, and after a while the pull of the Nile will diminish.

whilst on the river theme, paraphrasing the Hunters, "pain lies on the river side", it will always be there. your job is to keep swimming.

[censored] him. i can understand "letting him have it" - but honestly IT will never be realised. you will always think of what you should have added blah blah blah. As 25 said to me once "being angry at someone to punish them is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

let it go Smoth. rejoice in the +ve. wish him well in finding his. guaranteed if you can do this in your heart, you will achieve 2 things: 1. every time these sort of things come up you will be able to shrug it off, even feel sorry for him and wish him more of the same goodwill ^^. 2. if you can wish HIM all the best, happiness etc, then moving this focus to yourself should be easy AND being compassionate for yourself, loving yourself, wishing for yourself future happiness and forgiving what mistakes you might have made IS THE SECRET OF A HAPPY LIFE.

kisses my darling Smoth xxxx

-Py

Thanks you Py. As always you help me feel a lot better about myself and situation.

STBX has emailed back and said thanks he appreciated it and it will not stop him moving on with the solicitor. (Made me want to slap him when I read that!)

Said he will contact me re DS costs, as and when. What an a$$! Initially said he wanted to talk, I refrained from calling him, only a few mo this ago, I took all opportunities to contact, now I just don't want to.

Last few days a step back as I am replaying all that he has with OW in my mind. Someone he can share the little things that has happened in the day with. Felt a bit down with that!

However, still not spending the time dwelling as I would of done.

Py, your analogy about the river is pretty accurate, we are so used to thinking about our spouses, it has become natural, a habit.

Py, your words means so much to me, love and kisses to you.

S x

Huddy, I am trying to catch up with your situation. Thank you for dropping by. I do not want any of his support.

It's hard knowing that he was the one instigated this so why the f%*€$ is it so hard for him.

He has the OWs to contact day and night and I guess it's the flea in his ear!

Thank you Smothy. You've made my day if I can be of any help to you and the love and kisses - you've made my night too I am not sleeping particularly well ATM with the court/custody battle on my mind big time.

That's not good Py. So hard to switch off. Please limit the time you spend thinking about it.

((((Py))))

Yesterday was a good day, I did not think of STBX when I woke up. I feel as I am finally accepting and moving forward. Told my mum and siblings of my situation and impending D. My mum was more supportive than I expected and just told me not to think of this anymore and try to be happy.

I was so proud that I was able to say something without breaking down in tears. Told me to leave him alone if H has had a change of heart, he will understand and regret later when he is older. It caught in my throat, but no tears and was not a babbling wreck which would what would of happened a couple of months ago.

A few months ago, I thought I would not be able to do this as not telling meant the hope in me was huge and that a turn around would happen.

The recent developments re finances has ironically helped me to move forward and stop me from seeing H with such rose tinted specs!

Moving forward now, progress does happen. Detachment does happen. I realise now it was up to me to decide when that would be and that has put me in a much stronger and better place. Do I still love H, yes. Do I still think of my situation and him every day, yes. However it is no longer the overriding hurt and thoughts anymore.

Hugs and prayers to those of us on this path. Time is the key.

Smothy x

Nice one smoothy!

great to hear Smothy

i envy you not having little children. the headache has evolved to a whole new dimension now. my StBX writhing with confidence that they won't give the girls to their fathering preference, and in fact based on since proven flawed science - the family court is still gyrating on the personally motivated expert analysis of a stupid woman several year back that made the claim that young children cant cope with forming more than one attachment bond at a time, that IS with the mother and allowing the father even 1 overnight stay per week is hazardous. Barristers even have a nick-name for the defence it is that common.

hence i am shitting myself that even though my W is "generously" offering me 4 nights per fortnight an ~30% of the holidays, they are going to pull this on me at the last minute.

she and the commissioned paper has since been ridiculed as nonsense, but this isn't a box that can be ticked yet so the court remains ignorant.

did i mention that I am not feeling particularly generous to "women's rights" at the moment. i am being trampled by this sexist discrimination, and the court has it's head so far up its arse that can't see that all they are effectively doing is substituting the bond they have with me forming stronger bonds with MIL and OM as their male role model.

[censored] arseholes the lot of them.

My darling, Py. Keep strong.

I can imagine it's so much harder when young children. I count the blessing my DS is 19 now every day. Though he still doesn't know yet :-(

Hugs and kisses to you, my dear, Py.