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Make Friday a day he'll remember. Wear something he likes(not to obvious), do something with the kids and create a moment everyone will cherish. It does not have to be any "big" activity, just something you will all enjoy sharing the love in the moment.

Sounds like a lot of pressure, might be. Lose yourself in your family and enjoy the ride. Do not pursue him, let the day evolve organically. I hope your family is showered in a day of love.

Lost,

apologies - i have just skimmed - BUT - i get the overwhelming impression that YOU and all the other PEOPLE here that stick have the right approach. I am in the middle of custody//court and it IS playing out that fair is fair, right is right, and justice will be yours.

you're doing great Lost - again apologies re:specifics but what I have seen is that the ball is in your court. it might not be official yet, but you are doing everything right.

chin up darling. It all gets better, i promise.

-Py

Wish I could say I was able to do this.
D14 had a gymnastics meet today. H was able to / wanted to go. It was draining. Very long. Boring as she was not competing tonight, only acting as scorekeeper.

Plan was to go out to eat as a family, do something fun, but by the time we returned home, it was late & everyone was cranky. S12 gave us a hard time about going out, the food stunk, the kids were both arguing and whining, which pisses H off and makes him want to run.

Plus, H is in his own little world tonight. He always gets stressed before leaving, but tonight I think it was more "I can't wait to get out of here" and thoughts of what's waiting for him.

Side note: I did look good though! I wore a little knit summer dress that I've never worn before. New - H had never seen it. I actually thought he wouldn't like it. But his eyes widened slightly when he saw me and he said two or three separate times "You look good."

(I prob. was a bit too transparent that I wanted to look good. I just hope it didn't come across as pursuing. I did want to look good for me and my self-esteem. Didn't want this to be all about him)

We only have 5 hours left but who's counting?

What to do, what to do.

Tell him I love him?
Give him a kiss goodbye? my symbolic physical way of letting him go?

Thinking of you tonight, Lost.

Im not sure theres a 'right' action here. I think do what you think is best and try not to second guess it for the next few months. Stay strong and cry all you need to once hes out of sight.

You're on my mind tonight. Great job with the dress - you created a great memory.

Let us know how it went?

He's gone

Because it's who I am. Because I need to get it out. Because I'm completely wrecked and overanalyzing, here's my book about saying goodbye to H.

Part 1

Around midnight or so, before going to sleep, I stood on the porch. H came out, made some small talk about the kids, then turned to me and said "I'm done. Can I have a hug?"

Of course I gave him one, holding all my feelings still. I can't allow myself to have any feelings when we hug. I feel nothing. I wonder if it's the same for him?

He then pulled away and looking at me (with full eye contact,) said "I love you, W. I do love you. Can't just turn it off like a switch. I know I haven't been saying it, I don't know why. But I do" And he gave me another friendly hug and a kiss on the top of my head.

I didn't know what to say. What was right. It felt like a goodbye of sorts. Another ILYBNILWY. Looking right at him I said "I love you, too. I'm gong to miss you."

Another hug, another kiss on the cheek. Another overwhelming feeling of H moving on washed over me and I couldn't shake it. Idk if it was my fear or intuition.
While hugging I said "I guess this really is goodbye then" trying to hold tears in. But he didn't hear me, or if he did, wanted me to repeat it because he pulled back, put his good ear towards me and asked "What?". I didn't say it again. I said it was nothing.

Went to bed. But when he came in to bed, I couldn't stop myself. H said something about the day and I told him I hoped he didn't think I was chasing him. That I want him to know I'm not chasing him. He said "No, no. I didn't think that."

Climbed into bed, and he rested his hand on me while he went to sleep. I told him I thought the last few weeks were pretty good for the most part. That I enjoyed them. H agreed saying "I thought so too. It was nice."

No real sleep. For either of us. H ended up awake for most of the night with a coughing fit. And now here I am.

Part 2

Up before 4. Such broken sleep, if any. My eyes are so bloodshot I look like I've been on a bender for weeks.

I pace around a bit. Hate myself for pacing and know it looks exactly like what it is - I'm waiting for him. Berating myself for not having more upbeat, positive energy. So burdened with what I want to say. So afraid to say anything.

Make a few comments that I hope sounded friendly.

Go to wait outside by the end of the driveway for H while he tried to stir the kids to say goodbye. I needed to not be walking around him.

He came out eventually, fumbled with rearranging some of the chargers & things for his carry on. I started to feel anxious that the limo would come early and I wouldn't get to say what was on my mind.

So, I started speaking, trying not to cry. SO not eloquent. I stopped and started again. The look on H's face, I think he was afraid of what I was going to say and what kind of relationship talk I was going to dump on him.

Thing is, I can't take back what I said. It's out there. I prayed for divine direction and for the Holy Spirit to help me. I don't know if I was open enough to it or not or if in my human need to say things (control thing?) my words just pushed him more away. I really hope not. But I can't change it. I hope I can stop thinking about it.

I said we've been married for over 19 years and I think it takes a lot to make it that far. I said I'm still your wife, your friend. I think there's still a chance for us to make it. I said I love you.

H pulled me into a hug and said "I know you do, W. I know you do."

I pulled away after a little bit, trying not too cry. I actually tried to compose myself better and said out loud, I'm not going to cry. Wan smile.

Looking at him, off and on - I just couldn't maintain full steady eye contact and speak without crying, I said "For me, you've always been a man of such character, that's why this was so devastating. But, deep down, I still believe you are a man of character. I'm choosing to trust you. Slight shrug of shoulder, momentary eye contact, I said "Right or wrong, I'm choosing to trust you."

Cue moment of eternity that was really like 10/15 seconds of H looking at me. Idk if the look on his face was hurt or guilt or pity for me that I would trust him because he knows what he's about to go off and do. Idk. H pulled me into another hug, another kiss on the head. Said "Thank you."

And then I looked him in the eyes and hand on my heart, said "This is for me. This is for me to say goodbye." And I held his face and gave him a small, gentle kiss on the lips. And a hug.

I didn't feel anything. And I don't know if just completely ruined any DB'ing that I tried to do these past weeks. It's been 5 weeks since BD.

Limo then pulled up. White stretch limo!
I tried to joke about getting one that looked like he was going to a wedding. Loading luggage, all that.
Then he came over for one last hug and one last kiss. Not sure, he might have been going for my cheek, but we briefly kissed one last time on the lips.

I hate that I didn't feel anything. I know I was holding back.
I don't know how to do this now.

So exhausted and I still have to wake the kids, do all the sports and shuttling around and work all night with everything on my mind. I still don't have someone to watch S12 while I'm at work.

I'm already thinking, how the heck am I doing to talk to him on Skype? What's right? Should I be aloof or should I be open and chatty because it seems he might have responded more to the contact than none?

Everything will change again with him down there. With OW every day. With no tension. Only good feelings. As good as some of our moments were these past couple of weeks, I can't turn a blind eye to the fact that there have been more tense, uncomfortable moments since BD which make him doubt our M even more. A broken, damaged, dead M compared to a new, exciting OW. VOMIT.

I'm starting to fear I wasn't able to cut thru my pain enough to create enough good memories...

I always seem to fall short.

I don't want to think about what I may have to face when he returns. D14 asked him if he would be home for Christmas. He told her yes. But neither of us know if that's really true. He told me last night there's a chance they may ask him to stay longer, up to at least 12/23, and if that's the case, there's always the chance he won't make it back in time at all.

He never told S12 he was going away for so many months. Now I guess I'll have to do it.

Please pray for me. Please have patience with me as I continue to post my stupid struggle and mistakes and returns to cheeseless tunnels.

Why couldn't I have just had the strength and calmness and as-if acting skills? Why didn't I pretend to be Mary Poppins happy, buy him some coffee before he left and wished him a great trip?


I HATE THIS. I really think I hate myself too

Lost, I am sorry that you feel so down. A lot of feelings had been building up to your husbands leaving. It is only natural that you would feel this way. Please treat yourself with compassion. We all love you here (like a sister )and offer our support always.

TY, mutatio. I need all the support I can get.

How badly do you think I botched things up by what I said?

Or do you think it didn't really matter what I said, he's already gone and wouldn't have heard it anyway?