Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Confused newbie

Physical distance is one thing. But really THINK about why you are doing the things youre doing. For example, if you go to her church on days without the kids. What is your true motivation? Between you and the mirror... If we really boil it down... Is it to see her? Is it to show her you care? Is it to show her you are a good dad? I dont know, Im just asking... You dont HAVE to talk to her when she approaches you at the game. Why do you?

In my opinion, it sounds like you are pursuing her, even if you dont mean to be.

I actually like going to church. That is a newer thing for me, since I have been praying constantly, and a priest is my counselor. So, I want to go for me. I want to raise the kids in a church too, I believe it is important. I don't want her to feel as if we can be "friends" and not be M. I have went to church a few times when she had the boys and they didn't go.

When she talks to me at the game, it always starts out about the kids... then changes to whatever topic she wants.

I want her to see and feel what divorce will be like whenever I have given up. Then maybe she will change her mind before I really do give up, and R has no chance.

I actually like going to church. That is a newer thing for me, since I have been praying constantly, and a priest is my counselor. So, I want to go for me. I want to raise the kids in a church too, I believe it is important. I don't want her to feel as if we can be "friends" and not be M. I have went to church a few times when she had the boys and they didn't go.
I understand. But theres a difference between "going to church" and "going to her church". I dont know where you are, but Im assuming theres many churches in your area. So, wh go to "her" church - the way you described it was that it isnt really "your" church.

When she talks to me at the game, it always starts out about the kids... then changes to whatever topic she wants.
do you know other parents? can you be more involved with them and not with her?

I want her to see and feel what divorce will be like whenever I have given up. Then maybe she will change her mind before I really do give up, and R has no chance.
In my opinion, theres no point in thinking of this in absolute terms like that. Unfortunately, while we use metaphors around here like "closing a door", it really isnt that simple. You cant just decide "I dont want to be married anymore"...I think it's more that you exist for a while, and then look around and discover that. I would focus on your own detachment rather than trying to prove things or show things to her. Your own detachment and GAL activity will show her more than anything you can "plant".

Thanks az. I actually had been thinking of converting to "her" church for a while now. It is something that I could share with my boys too. Maybe going back to the one I went to as a kid can help me decide if that is right for me.

I believe you that GAL will help me in many ways. And, I am kinda excited about it. I was reluctant for the past few months. I now feel as though it is the right thing to do, no matter what comes with the M.

Perfect!



Azzork explained it much better than I have. He can identify with you from the VP of the LBH. When I say "show her how life without you would be", I mean by you detaching (stop trying to win her back), GAL without her, and as one poster said......stop kissing her butt all the time. Once you truly.....TRULY detach, she'll know.

I guess I am looking for the "loss" that triggers her to reconsider her actions, and the birth that Sandy talks about. I need the GAL to prove to myself that I am a good person that deserves to be happy. Maybe that can help me with the rules in the 37 that I am having trouble with.

I am trying to do these things for myself, my boys, and whatever future R I am a part of. Still want to save the one I have with the W I used to know.

I guess I am looking for the "loss" that triggers her to reconsider her actions, and the birth that Sandy talks about.
That was my point. Theres no way to really know what that will be. It could be a parent death. It could be a lonely holiday. It could be listening to an old song or seeing an old photo. Who knows. But, the only way for it to happen is to not be there for her all the time right now.

I need the GAL to prove to myself that I am a good person that deserves to be happy. Maybe that can help me with the rules in the 37 that I am having trouble with.
Yep. Thats pretty much the point.

Also, to prove to YOURSELF that YOU dont need HER. That you CAN be happy without her.

I know in my mind that I don't NEED her, haven't convinced my heart yet, I think. I will try more detaching. Time apart, and keeping myself busy with more fun activities will go a long way in that, I think. My cousin is a farmer, and it's harvest time. I will go play farmhand for a few weeks when I get bored and lonely.

Have the boys again tonight, and no ballgames. I will try to have fun with them, and cook them a nice meal.

Try to find some more 180s too.

You guys are a great help!

Ok, another question. How do I know the difference in her actions between trying to reconnect, and cake eating?

Wow, after child support, rent, 1/2 mortgage payment, utilities at my rental, I will have a whopping 200/ month to spend on gas, groceries, medical bills, budget for a better car, entertainment and kid stuff.

Another lovely piece of this. I make about 70k and will get to actually enjoy 2400 year, isn't life grand!

All because she isn't happy, and needs to find herself. This will aid in detaching rather well, I think