I feel like we are closer now than we have been since May, when things were feeling so much better. She started kissing me and initiating sex, then it's like a switch flipped. Unsure what I should be doing now. I just rented a house, and haven't moved in yet. Just bought DR, have started on it.
You are being deceived. You are not getting closer. She's just acting nice and initiating sex (b/c you have agreed to what she wants, and it turns her on), You misread her actions and it makes you feel better & closer to her. Yes, she wants you as a friend, with benefits. However, she wants her freedom, also.
Finish reading DR immediately. Keep posting.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I feel like we are closer now than we have been since May, when things were feeling so much better. She started kissing me and initiating sex, then it's like a switch flipped. Unsure what I should be doing now. I just rented a house, and haven't moved in yet. Just bought DR, have started on it.
You are being deceived. You are not getting closer. She's just acting nice and initiating sex (b/c you have agreed to what she wants, and it turns her on), You misread her actions and it makes you feel better & closer to her. Yes, she wants you as a friend, with benefits. However, she wants her freedom, also.
Finish reading DR immediately. Keep posting.
Sandi - I read it as she WAS initiating sex up until BD, and then hasnt since. But you may be right.
In any case, the point remains. She is going to be nice until the terms of the D are agree to try to get you to "play nice" and give her what she wants. She is not the same person she was. She is not your friend.
Im sorry you are going through this. Keep posting!
Ok, no sex since Memorial Day. No physical contact at all until after she filed. Now it is a hug every other time we talk. I don't know where the girl I married went!
Today, at the lawyer, I asked again if this is what she wants. She said yes, but couldn't explain other than "I haven't been happy for a long time, and neither have you". BS! We have had a lot of fun together, and I brought up a few things in the lawyers office. I gave her my wedding ring, told her that she can stop this at any point. Told her that one day, she will regret all this, and I pray its not too late.
I asked why she was being more friendly and 'normal' now, and she said that she feels like we can still talk fine. I told her that I can't because I feel that I am being mislead. I am done chasing her. She needs to be woken up! This is going to hurt everyone, and she can't see it. Just said that she wanted everyone to be happy. Even started crying in the lawyers, saying she didn't want me to feel screwed over.
I am sure that I made a dozen mistakes here, what do I do now? I don't want my family broken up, and today was another wake up call for me.
Advice on how to proceed?
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
W just left. Told me that over the years as we fought, she lost her respect for me and that it hurt a little less every time. We only fought a couple times a year, over the same stuff every time. So I would guess that I need to regain her respect first. We can still talk like best friends, should I 180 there and close myself off?
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Ok, no sex since Memorial Day. No physical contact at all until after she filed. Now it is a hug every other time we talk. I don't know where the girl I married went!
Today, at the lawyer, I asked again if this is what she wants. She said yes, but couldn't explain other than "I haven't been happy for a long time, and neither have you". BS! We have had a lot of fun together, and I brought up a few things in the lawyers office. I gave her my wedding ring, told her that she can stop this at any point. Told her that one day, she will regret all this, and I pray its not too late.
I asked why she was being more friendly and 'normal' now, and she said that she feels like we can still talk fine. I told her that I can't because I feel that I am being mislead. I am done chasing her. She needs to be woken up! This is going to hurt everyone, and she can't see it. Just said that she wanted everyone to be happy. Even started crying in the lawyers, saying she didn't want me to feel screwed over.
I am sure that I made a dozen mistakes here, what do I do now? I don't want my family broken up, and today was another wake up call for me.
Advice on how to proceed?
I hope you learned a valuable lesson here today - there is nothing that you can SAY that's going to help you right now. All this did was make her hurt you again. Did you think she was going to say "no. I DONT want this. You're right!"
So, it's time to get back to DBing. Start by reading the 37 rules. Then implement them. You've read the book, right?
W just left. Told me that over the years as we fought, she lost her respect for me and that it hurt a little less every time. We only fought a couple times a year, over the same stuff every time. So I would guess that I need to regain her respect first. We can still talk like best friends, should I 180 there and close myself off?
The more you act like a best friend, the less chance you have of turning this around. You're letting her have the good parts of you without having to commit anything. You're showing her that she still has you wrapped around her finger and can get what she wants from you.
So you can be friends if you want. But I don't think that will save your M.
Thanks azzork. I do not want to be just her best friend. So, I will read the book again... and try and stick with the 37 rules. We have 60+ days to get this on the right track again, before the divorce is final. I think that putting distance between us would help me, maybe more than it could her. It would help me detach and I am so tired of analyzing everything she is doing looking for signs. I don't even do it consciously, but I wear myself out with it!
This just [censored]...
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
We have 60+ days to get this on the right track again, before the divorce is final.
I wouldn't think this way. You're only going to find yourself feeling the pressure of the ticking clock. Plus. Who's to say that you can't get remarried after divorce?
How would being DIVORCED change your life if I could wave a wand and divorce you right this second?
IMHO, losing the "friendship" can work in shining more reality on the truer side of D. She is in total fantasy about what your relationship will be after D. She thinks everything will basically stay the same between you.
Realizing that she will have no part of your life (friendship, family time togetherness, holidays, hanging out, etc.) can come as a shock. This is what needs to happen, for her sake.
Why not use these 60 days to show her how it will be if she no longer has you? To me, that is more productive with a WW than trying to show her how good things could be again.
Once a couple agrees to reconcile, then they can nourish the friendship. Until then, being her friend will defeat her stopping the D.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
