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I am not a big advice giver as I too am no expert.

Whereas circumstances are different we are in a similar situation.I have had no verbal BD but my W has checked out on several important levels.So I just wanted to say hi and to let you know that you are not alone.

I too question if I am allowing a pointless situation linger. L hesitate between gaining W space and time (whilst I work on my sissues/goals/180s etc) and dropping a bomb myself. It is tough.

I'll check in again soon.

It is great to hear from you @roiste. I'm sorry you're in the same boat as me, but also glad I am not the only one. I know that sounds terrible, but I hope you know what I mean.

I know I am responsible for the state things are in with us. But I can't fix them on my own.

Have you read Passionate Marriage? I've found that really really useful. The ideas about differentiation are really similar to the DB principles and I agree with them. It's all about controlling yourself, not your spouse, and giving you spouse the freedom to make choices.

Do you have a thread here I could follow?

Yeah it is good to know others really understand what you are going through. My thread is WAS or what.

I've found it.

I can really identify with that limbo feeling. There's a sense that he's checked out, but hasn't bothered to tell me because there's financial and practical benefits that suit him, and if I leave him alone, it suits him even better.

But I've really been examining myself today - Sotto's post gave me loads of food for thought.

I think if I really gave voice to my feelings it would look like a toddler having a temper tantrum. I would be throwing things around and saying, 'why don't you hug me and kiss me and take care of me? Why don't you initiate sex with me? Why don't you give me compliments and tell me how wonderful I am and how happy you are that I am in your life. I DESERVE those things. You OWE me.'

Now I am not saying I behave like that - but deep down, that is what I think. And it's massively unattractive to me (never mind how he feels about it - I DON'T LIKE IT!)

And the truth is - he is and I am in an impossible decision because in addition, I don't want any of those things because he thinks he 'owes' me. I want him to give them freely from a place of love. And the fact is, that isn't happening.

Which means all I can do is stand back and work on myself and wait to see what happens. And try to figure out a way to comfort that screaming toddler on my own.

To grow up, in other words.

I am not sure how to go about doing that yet. But I think I have to do it, whatever the future holds for me and and him.

Okay I could really do with some advice.

Tonight when I was reading to and spending time with my daughter, she asked me why me and Dh weren't speaking.

I told her, 'he wants to have some quiet time right now.'

But this has really brought home to me the fact that she's noticing this.

I am 100% meeting my goals of being pleasant and cordial. I ask him if he slept well, I smile, I look him in the eye. I greet him before I go and when I come back. We speak in a friendly way about the kids and practical things.

But there's nothing else.

I could make an additional effort to make conversation, but I strongly believe I shouldn't be pursuing right now.

I also think that I can't say or do anything that would cause our kids to worry or to disrespect him.

But I want to leave the ball in his court.

Always tough when kids are involved. I think you handled her question very well.

You answered well imo. I imagine you only bought time before it comes up again though. I would not lie to your kids but they don't need to really know.Not now anyway.

Good luck.

Thanks WhyUs and roiste. I really appreciate your comments. I think for the time being I just want to do my bit to keep things calm and relaxed.

Yesterday Dh initiated a conversation about me. He told me he was really really really anxious about the house sale, and our upcoming move. I just validated like mad and asked him if there was anything he needed. He asked me out for lunch - I kept it light and friendly - and then later on that night he came and slept in bed with me. First time in forever. I kept it very light and didn't do any pursuing at all.

From some of the things he said, it seems to me like he feels really burdened with practical responsibility in our household, and also taking care of my mental health. He was basically my carer for a long time - I don't need that any more - but I think for him, the choice feels like either looking after me as if I'm an invalid, or avoiding me altogether.

I think I need to update my goals to concentrate on modelling the kinds of behaviours that reassure him I am capable and healthy and want to interact with him, but don't need to be looked after.

I need to give this more thought. But I am feeling more hopeful. Just don't want to get carried away either.

SJ,

Sounds like there is some improvement. Good for you. Dont get realed in too fast. Keep up more of the same. If you start to pursue you will surley be pushed away. Looks like u know this already. Happy for you!

That is good.... . You did well too keep it light.

Why was H anxious?

I think you can reassure him how you are mentally but as you guessed showing him is more effective.