Nothing much going on tonight...he was trying to talk to me, but I cannot even look at him. When he's out of sight, I'm somewhat okay. When I have to look at his face, my heart just breaks. Knowing what I know now has broken something inside of me. I keep trying to step out of the picture and observe, but not doing too well with that.
It is a lot to assimilate emotional. You are grieving for your marriage. It will take time to heal from this emotional damage. The grieving process is therapeutic. You are not alone. We are all here.
I was picking up my children from STBX's. The ones who I haven't seen since last Wednesday morning when I dropped them off to school. I keep busy during the week, working hard, trying to keep my mind off them. But it was really hard when I was talking with my dad last week, and he kept probing me about how the kids are doing back in school until I finally erupted and told him I didn't god damn know because I had only seen them 3 hours in the last week and a half. So they got in my car, and for a minute they felt like strangers, my own damn kids, and I realized that I had 3 more hours until bedtime, and then it would be several more days until I could see them again, and then I'd get them for this tiny little window which feels like a damn jail visitation, and then they would be phased out of my life again. And I looked at the woman who made the decision to destroy my family and who stands in between me and living with my children...and I truly hated her like I've never hated before.
As is I took a deep breath, got the kids home, played a few games with them, talked a bit about the new school, watched a quick TV show, read to them, and made sure to have a few moments of real connection. I can't wait until this weekend.
This is the biggest loss I've ever imagined in so many ways. It's so devastating I'm still wrapping my head around it as life marches on in some distorted fashion, such a tragic echo of what could've been. And for a moment tonight I didn't think I could make it through.
But feelings pass, and feelings change. Letting go of expectations is more than just regarding STBX, it is regarding life. Want what I get, not get what I want. Keep breathing. I'll be ok. But I am crying right now because I miss my kids and I don't know if it will ever stop tearing my heart apart.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Jpeg - My kids are so confused. This came out of the blue. My husband has always been so firm on his stance that marriage is a commitment - you don't leave, you work things out. He's lectured them on this subject before. They also don't know anything about what is REALLY going on. They only know his version, which is that I didn't change when I needed to. Now that I'm making changes, it's too late for him. I don't want to bash their dad - so I'm just leaving it alone. I imagine they'll figure it out one day, but they don't need to hear it from me. The hardest hit are the twins, of course. They still live at home, were planning on going to college next semester. I hate seeing the hurt and confusion in their eyes! I can forgive him for what he's doing to me, but my boys? I'm really, really angry with him for that. I suspect they've started drinking. They're out again tonight.... They were so well-adjusted before this. He, of course, thinks they're doing great.
Zues - I feel you! How can an adult be so selfish as to put their kids through this? Me, me, me!!! I don't understand it at all. I always felt that by having kids, we were making a commitment to them, too. He and I had so many talks about this once upon a time. Now he "just wants to be happy." "They'll get over it." I'm so disappointed in his choices...
Thanks for reaching out tonight, guys...I'm having a bad night.
Take a deep breath and remind yourself that this isn't your crisis. You didn't cause this, and you will be okay. Be strong for yourself and your kids will see that. Most importantly, detach, it saves.
There are no guarantees only reassurances from all us here that you'll be okay. Read read read everything you can and believe in yourself. You can do this!
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
Oh boy Judy. I could have written almost the exact same thing. My H also use to lecture the kids on commitment. He has always been a couch for several different teams and our kids were always in sports. He was so big on commitment to the team and never quitting. He was known at work and in the community as THE family man. Always admired and respected for being such a great dad. He rarely sees the kids now. Thinks "they are old enough". "they will get over it" And all our kids still live at home. When the kids try to talk to him about how they are feeling he shuts them down telling them they are being disrespectful. And that is just via texts. No one can believe he is doing this.
