Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers have i been making mistakes too long part 6

How did this become a fight?

W: Why did you tell my brother XXX and YYY?
TKD: I dont know what you are talking about, but I'm sorry that he is getting into your business [walks away]

Im not sure why but I feel like I have to prove that to her that im not getting into her business. I see where I messed up and you are right AZZ, I should have just walked away.

Im doing good for the most part but when she accused me of something that I didn't do I get angry and want say something. This is something that I need to work on. SHe has been accusing me of a lot of things lately. Like ive said in previous posts, it seems the more I detach and start to GAL the angrier she gets.

I one point in our sitch she acted like she felt sorry for me. Now she acts like she truly hates me. The longer this goes on the less I want her back. I don't want to feel that way but I think its natural. I am protecting myself from further emotional pain.

Also, I am sexually frustrated. I know its wrong but part of me wants to go out and pick up a girl for a one night fling. I have never had trouble with women and being a piano player, it would not be hard. I have not acted on these feelings but I really want to. Im just being honest and I know it would be wrong to do something like that. I have been married for 16+ years and have turned down loads of women. I have never cheated but im not sure if it would cheating at this point. However I do know that if I did something like that I would regret it and feel guilty.

You cant talk your way out of anything right now. She doesnt trust you and doesnt believe you. So whats the point in fighting? Let's say you HAD texted him - how would you react when accused? Im sure youd deny it and probably have a fight, right? So, if in her eyes you would act the same way regardless of whether you did it or not, whats the point?



Im unsure - are you doing this right? I dont see how detaching would cause her to get angry with you. Are you still being pleasant and friendly? Or have you turned cold?


Its understandable. But theres not really any merit to focusing on this.


The text I highlighted in blue kinda answers your own question, dont you think? As for the bolded, it sounds like you just want to "get even" - to inflict some pain back on your wife so she can know how you feel. Am I wrong?

I have turned cold to some extent I guess. The truth is I am angry with her decisions. She doesn't talk to me so I'm not sure how to be pleasant. I'm not being mean but I'm just kind of ignoring her.

I don't think a fling would be to hurt her as much as it would be to make me feel better. I do know that I would regret it. Even when I have flirted with women during this sitch, I have felt guilty afterwords. I'm 39 and I guess I want to see if I'm still capable of attracting new women.

So the W was gone all weekend and I had the kids to myself. Third weekend in a row. The weekend was awesome. My D12 painted kids faces at the arts festival. She made $116!! THe boys were jealous LOL.

I didn't talk to my W all weekend and she didn't bother to even call the kids. What is going on with her? This is not the woman I married. She would never have gone out of town this much without the kids before. When she returned home she said nothing to me. As if I wasn't even there. I prayed with the kids and went to bed early.

I know everyone here wants the same thing and so it goes without saying that I want my W back. I have realized (maybe too late) that nothing I can say will bring her back. I wish this wasn't true. I wish there were some magic words that would fix this. I go back and forth between worry, hurt, hope, hopelessness, anger, and then back around again.

I truly love my W and I hope there is not another man but it sure feels like something like that is going on. I cant even ask her. even if I did she would deny it.

I am going to see a L for the first time today and I am nervous. Damn her for making me do this. I will not file for D and I will not move out of my house or the MB. I have never felt so out of control of my own future and the future of my kids. I love them so much and will protect them with everything I have. I just feel so helpless in protecting them from a D.

I need some encouragement today guys.

I just want to vent. I am so sick of having no one to talk to. I want so bad to talk to my W. However I know that it will only make things worse. I have tried everything and nothing has worked. Even DBing doesn't seem to have an effect on her. I know that DB is for me but I want so bad to have my W back. I want to tell her how much I love her and how I am worried about her but I know it wont help matters. How long can this last? I know that is a stupid question. Im just praying that I can keep this up until something starts to move in one direction or another.

This L stuff has me upset. I don't have the money to hire a L and neither does she. We still share the same bank account. I just want so bad for this to be over.

Tough situation alright. I can relate to your stay of emotions and the repeated cycles of them. I often read up on you but don't post because I have imited advice.Wanted you to know someone cares though.

Flirting may help ego but not sure you are in a place where anything like, hat or more is healthy. Just my opinion as I know for a fact I am not in à place that could envisage someone new. But I know that in time I will have a lot to offer a new R. Like you I hope that ends up being wiW. Also like you I question why I still want my W. Regardless of why, today I do. Tomorrow will be another choice.

Hope L visit goes well and brings you peace of mind

Thanks roiste,

At this point advise is welcome but not necessary. It just makes me feel better that some one is reading my posts. I have read up on yours as well and like you I have limited advise. Sandi posted not long ago that I could get off the roller coaster any time I wanted but this ,like everything else, is easier said than done.

I just feel like the W has opened my eyes to some things and that I could be the H and father that im supposed to be. I am getting closer and closer with my kids. We have been alone together a lot since this all started. However I feel like she is robbing me of the chance to fully be the father I could be. If the D happens I will be forced to be a part time dad and that scares me.

At the end of this you and I both will be better people and our next R will benefit from this chaos. I have never felt so alone in my life but I thank God for waking me up. I just seems that this will never end.

Again thank you for your reply.

If you need to know the truth, asking about it is the last thing I would advise. Im sure theres some secret spy stuff you can get to try to figure it out. But if you suspect it, its likely not just your imagination. Do you need the hard proof?


Dont let your W have this power over you. YOU are in control of your own life. YOU are in control of your relationship with your kids.


Its only been 2 months total. Are you giving things enough time to really take hold? Do you have goals somewhere? Do you have some list of signs of how you know something is "working"?


Take whatever you longest idea of it lasting is. Then double it. Then double it again. Keep doubling. Thats how long it COULD last. But I assume that at some point, you may decide that you are finished before that happens.


There is nothing stopping you from being the father you want to be. It sounds like you are headed that way. Keep going. Eventually, you will get the chance to be the husband you want to be to someone - use this time to learn about yourself and how you think that version of tkd should be. You are in control of You.

You got this.

I just want to let you know that I am reading and understand your wanting comfort. I am the same way. We hope for something new to show up in the thread each time like it will work wonders. I feel very much like you about the kids etc...I am praying for you and if there is any comfort knowing you are not alone and we will get through.

be strong..