I think you've received some good advice so far. I wanted to second what NOPkins said about guns, etc. It's not worth making a mess on the ceiling, walls and floor.
He sounds like a piece of work. If he were more loving, you'd probably want to keep him around. If he were more responsible and financially helpful, you'd probably want to keep him around, too. But no love, no $$, and blaming you for all the problems, why are you still there?
I will think about those things. The comment about the gun is that the things he was saying to me were so hurtful that he might as well just shoot me instead. We both own guns but are not violent people; there has been no violence between us at all. He's not going to shoot me, and I'm not going to shoot him.
I guess I have no background on which to base my thoughts upon entering this relationship. I've also worked consistently and have never been involved with anyone who didn't pull their own weight. He was self-employed when we met and was still doing that when we got married. He tried to get out of that business and started straight-commission sales jobs instead.
To answer one of your questions, today I'm not looking so good. On a normal day, no one runs away screaming:)
I know this isn't a good relationship...well, maybe it is for him.
Yes, having one of the pieces would make it bearable. Not having either AND being blamed for his failure to provide either is just intolerable. Please read my reply to Nopkins about the gun comment; it was basically a figure of speech NOT a literal "shoot me."
-Did you marry this guy thinking you could change him? The funny thing is that he had made a complete change between the time I met him and when I married him. He was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic when I first met him, put everything and everyone before me, etc. We split up for 2-3 months after dating for a year. During that time, he pretty much gave up drinking (aside from occasional social drinking) and was willing to put our relationship first. He was really busy with his business, so there was no indication of laziness. I wasn't paying when we went out. The sex issue was there from the get go though; it became more of an issue when he stopped drinking as much.
-Are you horribly ugly and unsuitable for a decent guy? I've already answered that in my initial reply to you. I had no trouble getting dates with other men and did date other people besides my H before marrying him.
-Do you like abuse? I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 18 years. My current H has not been abusive towards me. The mean comments, which are nothing like the verbal abuse my ex used to do, are recent. We actually got along pretty well before we started counseling, with our main arguments being about sex. I asked him repeatedly to contribute to the finances, and he always promised to do so even though he seldomly follwed through. The fact that the counselor echoed things I had already been saying have made things much worse. He had his first session alone last week. Our prior sessions have been joint. Now, he's really on the attack for some reason. The verbal attack is a new element in our relationship.
-Why were you attracted to this guy in the first place? He's a fun person to be around, we like a lot of the same things, and I was physically attracted to him.
Quote: My current H has not been abusive towards me.
I'd seriously, seriously rethink this. Abuse comes in many forms. Though he may not be abusing you like your previous relationship, that does not mean your current relationship isn't abusive.
What I'd do is say to your H:
Fine. It's all MY fault. And when you get to HELL, you can tell Lucifer is was all MY fault. I'm sure he'll feel better for knowing.
NOW get out. And when you get a job and become responsible for your own life, your own happiness, and HALF of this relationship, then we can talk about you coming home. Refer any other questions to the shrink or my lawyer.
Good day, good luck, good riddance, I have a life to live.
Now that is a serious, no-nonsense boundary. Stick up for yourself, girl. No one else is going to do it for you.
Wow! I think the counselor would like your response:) One of the things we've found in counseling is that I actually have boundaries while he is just all over the place. There are a couple of things I have put my foot down on lately, the car payment and his cell phone. I have picked those up a lot over the last couple of years when he "can't" make the payment. I don't have "can't" in my vocabulary when it comes to meeting my obligations. The deal (as of last month) is that he pays both or walks/doesn't have a cell phone. I think part of this is in reaction to that "boundary."
If I were you, I'd push the boundary thing WAY further. And he will blame YOU kicking and screaming as you throw him out of your house... who wouldn't in his position? The guy has it made, you must admit... at least from his POV.
So if he wants to yell, call names, blame you, whatever, simply say, okay, I'm the bad guy (doesn't mean you have to agree with him. Just means you refuse to argue about it), and KICK HIS BUTT OUT. It is the ONLY thing that will motivate him to change; if he does, then you might have a chance. If he doesn't, at least you don't have him leeching off you.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I really do feel you just need to cut to the chase.
The thing is that there won't be yelling or name calling; there never has been. The motivation for change is not there, however, since his mom is now available to leech onto instead. His 36-year old sister has recently been weaned.
I am meeting with our counselor tomorrow. I called her this morning after this all fell apart; we knew that "Plan B" as she calls it was always a possibility. She says that she's in my corner, which helps. She has been able to see through a lot of his bs in our sessions, and he is very good at the bs.
Where do you live - the Wild West? I know hundreds of people in England and only one of them has a gun - and he's a farmer. Even the police here don't carry guns. SD
