Hang in there. No matter how detached someone is, there are moments that symbolically move the sitch along toward D that trigger sadness & loss. I suspect both you and your W will go home and shed tears after signing the D agreement, if it comes to that. It is still a loss, and it needs to be mourned if you are to process it an not get stuck. Allow yourself some of that.
What your detachment is, in big part, is to not be so tied to her that her actions trigger you to react with words and actions of your own that worsen the situation. You succeeded. So, don't view it as a failure of detachment. It isn't a failure in anyway, even though it may feel like one.
Hang in there.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Hang in there. No matter how detached someone is, there are moments that symbolically move the sitch along toward D that trigger sadness & loss. I suspect both you and your W will go home and shed tears after signing the D agreement, if it comes to that. It is still a loss, and it needs to be mourned if you are to process it an not get stuck. Allow yourself some of that.
What your detachment is, in big part, is to not be so tied to her that her actions trigger you to react with words and actions of your own that worsen the situation. You succeeded. So, don't view it as a failure of detachment. It isn't a failure in anyway, even though it may feel like one.
Hang in there.
Thanks As, today was a big day for me. I realized that I have to have more faith. Faith that no matter what happens with my W, I'm going to be ok. Somewhere along the "I'm going to the lawyers office tomorrow" text line, all of my abandonment issues got triggered. But I caught them after 24 hours instead of a week. I saw them, looked at them and worked my way out of them.
I also have to remember that I hurt my W a number of times. What she's doing is protecting herself from further hurt. I can't be angry over that choice given I was the one that hurt her. I may not like it, I may have done everything humanly possible to change the man that hurt her, but I still have no right to get angry or upset over the way she's choosing to make sure it never happens with me again.
I still don't like it. but I'm more at peach tonight.
Thanks for your post, I appreciate your perspective as always.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I would validate and say you think mediation is the way to go, a little praise too.
We are behaving like adults in this, mediation seems a good way forward to me, it would contain L costs and I know we can handle it well.
Wonka is your girl guide on this one if she is about.
V
Thanks V, I don't plan on saying anything about our R or the like. I would imagine we'll talk about it tomorrow during the drop off, and I can do just as you said, just request that since we both still love each other and aren't out to screw each other over that we go the cheapest route.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
PP, I just read your 2nd post on this thread with the thought by Accuray. It gave me pause.
Would you please expand on the idea of "Act as If". Thanks
Think of it this way Mutatio...say you have to walk for 5 miles. At the end of the 5 miles you're either going to get handed ten thousand dollars cash, or get punched in the stomach repeatedly.
You don't know which and won't know which until you complete the 5 miles. Now the experience you have walking the 5 miles is completely up to you regardless of which outcome you're going to receive because you can't predict the future. Make sense so far?
You have a choice - be happy about the 10k, be upbeat, maybe plan a few things that you're going to do with it, etc. How will the people walking with you perceive you? How will you experience the walk?
But what if you act as if you're going to get punched? You're all anxious, short of breath, panicky et? You still don't know what's waiting for you, it could be the 10k right? How will the people walking with you perceive you this way? How will you experience the walk acting this way?
Since you've got a 50/50 shot at the outcome and have no way to influence it, why not act as if you're going to get the cash and enjoy the walk?
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
PP, I just read your 2nd post on this thread with the thought by Accuray. It gave me pause.
Would you please expand on the idea of "Act as If". Thanks
Think of it this way Mutatio...say you have to walk for 5 miles. At the end of the 5 miles you're either going to get handed ten thousand dollars cash, or get punched in the stomach repeatedly.
You don't know which and won't know which until you complete the 5 miles. Now the experience you have walking the 5 miles is completely up to you regardless of which outcome you're going to receive because you can't predict the future. Make sense so far?
You have a choice - be happy about the 10k, be upbeat, maybe plan a few things that you're going to do with it, etc. How will the people walking with you perceive you? How will you experience the walk?
But what if you act as if you're going to get punched? You're all anxious, short of breath, panicky et? You still don't know what's waiting for you, it could be the 10k right? How will the people walking with you perceive you this way? How will you experience the walk acting this way?
Since you've got a 50/50 shot at the outcome and have no way to influence it, why not act as if you're going to get the cash and enjoy the walk?
I believe that it's even more than this. I believe that positivity breeds positive outcomes. So to take PP's example one step further, the person acting like they are going to win the money actually BECOMES more likely to win the money.
In our situations, there's a lot of "acting as if" we are doing ok. After enough time of doing, it, we realize that we actually ARE ok. I believe that having a positive attitude is one of the most important ways out of the hole we find ourselves in.
I realized that I have to have more faith. Faith that no matter what happens with my W, I'm going to be ok.
A very wise woman once told me that fear and faith occupy the same brain space and can not coexist. So yes, keep faith. It will blackout that fear you have.
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
