Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4)

Nope. It had me thinking ahead to what the DB path is when the sitch arrives. It is something we haven't really faced yet, and the kids are the issue. How do we arrange things so that we have a workable plan when one of us is sick enough to not be able to watch the kids. Is it a you scratch my back kind of deal, or do we just leave each other to fend for ourselves? I'd rather think ahead and negotiate an arrangement that is workable & DB-friendly, than fly by the seat of my pants.

Point taken though.

Another surprise down day. Maybe it's working on a holiday. Maybe it is not being able to spend my holiday with my family. Maybe it is some small trigger from yesterday's kid swap with W. But, sometimes I feel like my WAW is one of those MWD says just never give the M another chance, no matter what.

My W can be stubborn. She had a year to consider her options, was in IC during that time. She thought a lot about her decision, and took her time to be sure (she says, & I believe her). In the almost 5 months since asking for a D and probably a month longer since she made her decision, she has not wavered in the slightest.

She says there she has gone very slowly and cautiously because she wanted to be sure. She is sure, she claims. She doesn't see any possibility for her changing her mind or reconciliation any time in the foreseeable future. Maybe years and years from now. Trying to avoid R talk, I didn't pursue what her reasoning is, but I suspect a lot has to do with her feeling like it is not healthy to be in any relationship for the foreseeable future, and especially one with someone she feels hurt her who she can't trust not to hurt her further.

OK, I know that she can't predict the future any more than I can, but she is stubborn, and I know she is scared of being hurt and lovable. I get that. I also see her as the type who will stamp out any slight glimmer of feeling because it is so threatening.

I really wish there were some clues to figure out if she were the WAW type who truly never looks back. I don't want to beat a dead horse. No matter how skilled at DBing you are, some Ws just aren't going to give the M a chance. That is what I see in my W's consistent message and actions. Yes, I'm doing good DB'ing, and yes I know it is for me as much as anything, but as long as I'm holding out the slightest hope, it keeps me focused on her & us when the best thing is likely to just give up totally. Not worry about what I say or do. Stop trying to be a good DB'ing spouse by not responding when she is unfair. Stop taking one for the team when there is no team, and likely no possibility of a team.

I know: cheeseless tunnel, no way to know, just keep detaching and GAL'ing, etc. Just explaining where my thoughts were going when I examined why I was feeling down and hopeless. I just needed to ventilate those thoughts so that I could see them for what they were and gain some perspective. Don't worry, I'm not going to change course. Just some catharsis.

And maybe it will help some of you who read my thread or other threads I post on to see that I am not some kind of super DB'er. Just a fallible human, after all. Just like the rest of us. Thankfully. I couldn't relate to & help others if I weren't. Got to take the bitter with the sweet.

Back to work (ugh, I'm not in the mood).

As, I'm a bit of a wreck right now and not qualified to give advice. I too, am looking for that crystal ball to know if there is a chance. I hope you have a better day. I am going to take a nap and cry myself to sleep.

Warm e-hug from a fellow traveler P. We'll both get through.

Sorry As, some days are just like that. I have the same feelings.

A counselor we both went to said, "Don't walk away from your M until you've exhausted any and every possible way to fix it." I told me W this and she said, "That's why I'm leaving you, it's going all in..."

This from a couple that only went to one counseling session together in our M, found it useful and didn't feel the need to go back. Doesn't sound like we've exhausted anything, just walked away.

Tomorrow's a new day man, you never ever know what will shift. You just don't. The holidays are hard too, they just are. It triggers all kinds of things.

All we can do is stick to DB'ing, and keep that focus on ourselves. Keep growing, keep expanding, keep becoming a better man. I hate to hear it, but I'll say it, if you do that you can't lose. You may not realize that this year, or next, but it's true.

You're a good man and should be with a woman that recognizes that. Or be on your own until your ready to have someone in your life, W or other.

Human or not, you're still a DB rockstar in my book As. Let today go.

PP

Thanks the kind words and thought PP. As you say, tomorrow is another day.

Probably should schedule my next (& last, unless I can figure out how to pay for more) DB session w/ my coach.

Hey asitis - that is exactly what I am thinking re my H. He is so stubborn. It is like once he has made a decision he will not budge. Today marks the one year date since he walked out with no prior warning. He came over today to help move a bed for our son and he cut the hedge as was all nice nice. This after yesterday when he said he is entitled to half of everything and we HAVE to sell our family cottage so he can get his own place.

Asitis, you know it's one of those downs on the roller coaster, nothing more.

Talking with your DB coach makes sense in some ways but if it's your last session for a while maybe revisiting your goals to get you back on a up part of the ride and reviewing your progress is a good first step before making the appointment if you really feel you need to. Looking at your previous posts, you seem to me to have lost sight of what you are aiming to achieve and allowed your W's fog to get to you. It's kind of the downside to cathartic moments they bring back stuff you had moved to the back of your mind, so don't be hard on yourself.

She may or may not change her mind, sitting around waiting you know isn't an option, moving on with the new you is and will potentially be a good reason why she does change her view and if she doesn't then it won't be of much importance to you as you'll have truly moved on.

You have said yourself that it's a long hard road, so hang on in there, there's better conditions ahead of you. {{{{man-hug}}}}

So, I'm trying to be more scarce generally. When I'm around W be friendly and casual. But when I'm not, I don't want to give her the contact. Of course this is hard working on the same floor. Often, however, I can go a day wo/ running into her.

Of course this week we had Labor Day (although I was in catching up on work because I'm a tool), so didn't see her then. Was hoping to make it through today. Nope. Talking w/ a colleague we're both long time friends w/. W come up the stairs and we're right there. So she stops to chat.

I know. Good thing. But all I could think of after is, I want her to actually feel what it's like to not have me around, and this isn't her getting to stop and have a quick chat is giving her just enough that it fills her need to stay marginally connected without actually feeling the loss of connection.

It's almost like trying to detach and distance when you have an in-house S. Guess, I'm just in a glass half empty sort of mood today.

Oh, and I'm up to 5 new 22-3 year-old very attractive women FB friends this week from the new students in my program (one of whom is married). And, before you ask, I'm not going to pursue any of them, it's just the norm in our program to develop good connections w/ our fellow students as part of building a therapeutic support network. Also, I wait for them to initiate the friend request to avoid the creepy old man vibe. Still, a couple times I wished I knew what my W thinks when she sees this.

Tonight several of us were going to meet up for dinner before class. I put on my calendar (W & I keep calendars that we each can see for coordinating kids purposes): dinner w/ the gals. Oh, and these dinners can be very amusing, as you are let into the strange world of young women who still think and act like college students. As a professor, I only got glimpses, but now I get to see behind the curtain that usually keeps us old folks out. I learn a lot of things I'm really can't imagine being interested in. But is also very interesting studying the social dynamics and dances that go on. I'm often in conversations, but there are sometimes when they just get a head of steam, when I have to clear out of the way and let them have their girl chat time.