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I love these posts, too. So similar to my own situation...you encourage me, BT. :-)

Interesting night. Watching the evening news and my H was in a story related to his job. Noticed he was not wearing his wedding ring. Strangely, other than an initial slight pit in my stomach and a little sadness, I actual am feeling surprisingly indifferent about it.

I honestly don't think H is certain he wants D either, but the A is getting in the way. He just keeps saying the same thing. "I don't see how we can get past this, do you?" It is the question at the end that causes pause.


Just curious if he keeps saying this and you dont want a D why you didn't respond with a yes I do see a way past this?

I don't know anything about Discernment Therapy other than what I just saw on their website. I'd want someone who practices marriage and family therapy who has a systems theory or attachment theory (sometimes they'll say emotionally-focused therapy) orientation if possible (most LMFTs are trained in systems theory). And, definitely who is pro-marriage while understanding that some marriages can't be repaired.

But if he is really willing. I don't see why not. If he has already made up his mind & just wants you to work on moving on, then it's not the time.

Actually, I have said yes there is on multiple occasions. If there is a will, there is a way. People do it all of the time.

Yes, the person I found is very pro marriage and her goal is always to save it. She also practices emotional based therapy. Received TM on Tuesday from H asking what I hope to get out of it and what he is going gain by it. I just responded saying that I want it to be about us and not me vs him. That it does not make sense to give up on a 13 yr M without trying to go speak with someone who can tell us different paths forward based on their experience. I also said that emotions have been high on both ends and that I don't think that is a good place to be making such life altering decisions and I was not confident in proceeding with D. I don't want to have regrets or what ifs down the road. Said I thought he would gain the same out of it. Shared the link with him to that website. Have not heard back yet.

Asitis, Julie, E, and Judy,

Thanks for your support. Judy, I am glad you somehow find encouragement in my posts. I have often felt like a case study in how not to DB. I do see a number of similarities in our stories.

Julie, interesting that you

Zeus, I am still digesting your post and will reply this weekend when I have more time to think.

As long as he isn't 100% sure (at least in his mind), then he gets some clarity perhaps. If he is, it's just a waste of time. If he is 99.9% sure, you might want to hold off, and see if you can let some of the tension die down a bit, and then try it.

Not sure what happened to my previous post. Trying again!

Asitis, Julie, E, and Judy,

Thanks for your support.

Judy, I am glad you somehow find encouragement in my posts. I have often felt like a case study in how NOT to DB. I do see a number of similarities in our stories.

Julie, interesting that you mention independence as impressive. Was one of the things my H mentioned was an issue. He said I was too independent, which In some sense is probably true. I think I am ok doing my own thing too much, but just got used to it with his schooling. He was gone most of the summer for last 7 years with his research, so I had to be ok going it alone. The problem was that even though I missed him when he was gone, I had gotten so used to doing my own thing and so when he would come home I would get irritated because he but a kink in the rhythm I had created. This is where practicing gratitude would have done me good.

Zeus, I am still digesting your post and will reply this weekend when I have more time to think.

I hope he get back to you and be willing to see a counselor. What he will gain from it? Exactly as much as he puts into it...

Your signature says you're separated in-house - is he still there?