Sandi, et. al. I guess I took it as a positive (saying things like "I would have loved to hear this from you two years ago) because at that point she wasn't speaking to me and wasn't even looking at me. She was not feeling emotions outwardly and later said she was avoiding thinking about all the consequences because it was too overwhelming. She was just taking the first step because she didn't know what else to do. In that interaction she also said she wouldn't change her mind because anyone else wants her to but because SHE wanted to. After that, she was choosing of her own accord to interact with me.
No, I didn't send letters and begging texts. If she sat down and talked to me and had questions and it wasn't resolved, I took time to think about it and wrote her a letter explaining it and validating what she said. The texts were just validating words or to thank her for something or to apologize. I have probably written 3 letters in 8 months and we text often, but not about anything deep unless she starts a discussion. So there have been maybe 5 or 6 short texts about the relationship.
In my mind, I can see either a hurt 4 year old or a rebellious teenager when she is in "angry" mode. I can see her thinking, questioning, or defiant but trying to convince herself or to prove she is still in control of her own destiny. I get these are her feelings, I am just saying I can see her questioning them.
As for "why didn't you do this when I asked you", etc. There were some legitimate things, like chores, but the rest is a reinvention of history. I DID tell her how much I loved her, supported her, etc. She went through a phase telling me to back off and let her come to me because I was TOO attentive. She would always boast about all the things most husbands didn't do for their wives, but I did. But I also had times where I did not accept her opinion and I DID argue with her or win the argument at the expense of the relationship. I did allow too much pressure and responsibility fall on her without stepping up and giving her help. (under/overachiever)
Her first visit to the counselor was only to help provide info to the counselor about where she was so that I might "get" she was serious. If it would help me "move on" or heal. And I do understand where she is right now. The visit was actually very productive and was more about what she needed right now and what she was thinking and feeling. It seemed like she was curious but didn't want to seem like she was giving me too much hope.
Still, I understand not pressuring and chasing, writing "love" letters or any of that. I was just saying that regard to communication, where we used to fight before, a short email or text or even our conversations now resolve an issue and generates a different and more positive response than it even did when we were "a couple". We went around in circles before and argued with all four "horsemen" (see Gottman). She has said at least twice, once stopping me in mid conversation, to say we have had major "breakthroughs".
She apologizes, thanks me for things, and talks about how she has tried a couple of times to find a way to work things out but either resentment kicks in or she feels blocked in some way like it isn't "safe" yet.
I am trying to listen to you guys. I am not just going to do what I "feel" like and ignore sage advice. I am trying to learn more about detaching and pulling further away and doing the GAL, but trying to balance that with still helping with all the things that she told the counselor take pressure off of her and really help her. That is why I keep asking questions here too. To get more tips from you. Thank you!
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
She has said at least twice, once stopping me in mid conversation, to say we have had major "breakthroughs".
This thread is about to close, so I will be brief: Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear (I never get this quote exactly right - someone correct me, please). W is not rational and will say whatever it takes to string you along. Only YOU will know when there has been a breakthrough.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Please start a new thread. You currently have 106 responses/postings.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
I know this is about to head to a new thread, but i need to ask a question of the may intelligent minds here. In my thread i had a lot happen in the past 12 hours regarding children. I do not know if i should tell my wife my kids are saying she is different and dont enjoy themselves with her as much as they once did or not. It is causing some issues and they are very dependent upon me now. I dont mind this but i think they also need there mother to know. first, do i go into detail with her and second shouldnt this be something that would help crack a fog?"
