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Journaling....

So had the kids today, W was going to go out last night to the clubs but guess it felt through. She never bothered to reach out to the kids to say goodnight, but I guess it's expected.

Today I dropped of the kids to her, she was with her friend (which is also going through troubles with her BF) and she didn't even bothered to say hello, no interaction which she normally does. I guess she was trying to paint a picture of distance for her friend.

She also has expressed wanting to go to the beach as a family tomorrow labor day, part of me feels she just wants the best of both worlds, to have the family feeling but also enjoy the excitement of the flirting that she is doing...so I am thinking about just telling her I want to go alone with the kids.

Whatever you choose I think you should be true to yourself.
If you want her there, invite her.
If you don't, for whatever reason, just tell her so.
Be authentic.

Hi Mutatio,

Thank you for responding. You are correct in me being authentic. I do want her there, because I miss her and it would be nice for the kids to have us both present. I am afraid of not being able to fully enjoy the time as I am always anxious thinking about what she is doing and to whom she is talking to. etc.

Journaling...

She has expressed how she does not want to live together and play house. She is done with the M, and feels that it will be easier to begin a new relationship then to try and save this one. She also tells me that she isn't looking to move on and find someone, she is focused on herself at the moment, but occasionally flirts because she likes the ego boost. I honestly don't know how to take that.

I know she talks to a male friend everyday, to me that's building a relationship. She expresses that they talk work related stuff. I really need to get her out of my head, this anxiety is killing me.

I seem to be avoiding seeing her out of fear of being put in that situation in which she is texting or on her phone. I feel I have become like the carrot (the coffee story); I should be more like the coffee but don't know how to. Should I consider taking Anti-Anxiety pills? Or just try and exercise more often (I used to but this situation has thrown me completely off of my routine).

Had a good time at the beach with the family. Spoke to W before the day before and told her that if she was coming with us, that she needed to be off the phone and respect me, no texting in front of me. While on the beach she kept complimenting me as to how handsome I am, and how lucky she is to have someone so handsome as the father to her kids... I responded with thank you's and complimented her as to how beautiful I think she is.

Unfortunately, didn't stay off the R topic, she brought a few things and we spoke about what happened and where it went wrong. So listened and validated, didn't argue but did mentioned that I didn't agree with everything she was mentioning but I wasn't negating her feelings.

I can't seem to stop wanting to snoop, so hard for me, and to dig for answers. I expressed to her that it was a bombardment of hurts that she did to me, first bd, then flaunting how she was flirting and entertaining conversations. All of that did a number to my mental and emotional health.
Have started reading Co-Dependent No More, part of me feels that I am co-dependent due to how I can't seem to stop thinking about her and what she is doing, it is driving me crazy.

As nice as it was to be around her and having fun with her again, but it makes me sad that this person, who I spent 10 years with, doesn't even want to be close to me or sleep in the same bed.

Hi EM, I read Co-Dependent No More. I could really relate to parts of it, others parts not so much. I am glad I read it because I saw some of my behaviors described.

Your raised a question about Anti-Anxiety pills. I was on anti-depressants for about 6 months. They helped me a lot in the beginning, especially with sleeping. If you think you need them, talk to your doctor. I am glad I used them but don't want them now.

I used to snoop, now I don't care to. I have come to realize whats the point. She is going to do what she wants to do whether I know or not. She will not love you more by snooping on her. The power of love is not causing the snooping. What is it? Fear, anxiety, lack of control?

I really believe all you can do is work on yourself. Pursue a course of excellence, be the best EM possible. Treat you children with kindness and treat your wife with compassion.This is what I am trying to do. If I fail in an epic way I will still have improved myself and treated my family well.

You get what you give, maybe not with an individual but in a Karmic way.

Hi Mutatio,

So far Co-Dependent No More is a good read. I have also identified a few things that pertain to me in the text. I am reading it and I am intrigued hopefully I can pick up something to help me detach from it.

Yes I am concern with the anti-depressants in getting hooked or them having a side-effect which will make me lethargic. I am usually one that tries to deal with things without the help of pills. I am drinking lots of Chamomile teas, but I will look into it. My IC is finally back from vacation, so will be beginning my sessions again, and working through some of the things I have picked up about myself:

Am I afraid to be alone
Anxiety Disorder
Co-Dependency
Control issues
Anger
Obsession

I have read that in the current state in which we are in, some of this is natural to occur, due to depression and anxiety. Some of these I have also seen being mentioned in Co-Dependent No More. Don't know if I am over-analyzing myself but I really want to look deep within in order for me to be a better ME.

Right now, I am trying to shift my focus back to me, and get to a healthy state emotionally, mentally, spiritually (this has definitely driven me back to God), and physically.

Just to get this out of my mind...

The obsessing over this situation and what she is doing is a killer. Drains me. I can't seem to stop these negative intrusive thoughts, but I am working hard at trying. I don't like how I have been reacting to all of this and how I have been behaving (snooping, confronting, etc)

Hopefully I can work with my IC today on this.

Hey brother, I am going through the same scenario with the thoughts, the more I learn the harder it gets but I know that time does make the thoughts go away.

Hang in there, you are doing good, you are back with GOD and praying, that is AWESOME! Keep on doing what works!

Its easier said than done but what else can we do besides beign patient.

Hey brother, so great to hear from you. I read up on your sitch and I am sorry you are now joining me on the "I know too much" club, at least you didn't get there with the snooping and digging, it would drive you crazy.

My appointment with my IC went well, started working on some of the issues I mentioned before. He mentions that I have a fear of abandonment that extends from my childhood, and that what I need to do is just accept that my marriage is over and focus on myself (sounds familiar?) I have decided that I will stop snooping (easier said than done w/ my anxiety (thank you Mutatio, for pointing this out))

I still need to find how I can detach and refocus all of this excess energy on myself. I have been reading Azzork's goals post and I will be working on my goals. I am still overly available to my W and need to learn how I can lovingly detach, it is so hard, but what I have been doing hasn't been working...at all.

I hope to continue to hear from you my brother, and I hope you continue to focus on yourself and we can hopefully make it out of this in our ideal scenarios, if not, we are at least the best version of ourselves.