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I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. I am working on the house still, but it's slow going. My health (emotional and physical) prevent me from getting things done as fast as I would like. Finances are tough. I'm left on my own to do most of the work, since I really can't afford to hire anyone. My kids are no help. My only brother that is in the country is busy with work and his own health concerns. Over the past 5 years I have isolated myself so I really don't have many close friends. Funny thing is most of my friends didn't like my H. They found him arrogant and selfish. I was blinded and didn't see it.

I think when the house sells and I move that a big weight will be lifted off my shoulders. Talked with my D about her moving into a newly created apartment at my brothers/mothers house. She really wants to but was worried about me living on my own. I assured her that I would be fine. I have never lived on my own. I'm sure I will be lonely sometimes, but think I'm do just fine. I can always have good conversations with myself. Lol!

Now off to rip up some carpet this morning.

Diana

Holding pattern is good. In fact better than good.

Nothing wrong with slow and steady. remember the story of the tortoise and the hare?

Stay well. And eat your greens!

This is what I wanted to tell you, I am doing a new special diabetic diet and ALL of my skin complaints have cleared. I mean all the boils and excema, gone, completely. The diet involves cutting sugar and eating raw vegetables.

V

Ok, just doing a bit of journaling.

On the Homefront, making steady progress. The house is starting to feel empty. Carpeting is gone and most of the furniture that I want gone has been taken away. Too hot to paint here this week, but hopefully next week we can get most of it painted. Until then my goal is to strip off the vinyl flooring. I did it many years ago when renovating the kitchen. It was not fun at all, but think that using a heating gun will make it easier to peel off the tiles this time.

My H. Very confused on what I should do. Since he has moved in with his mother he has withdrawn from me. He hardly ever calls and hasn't text me in days. Granted, his cellphone is on the fritz. He can't make phone calls, but he can still text. Plans are for me to come see him Sunday and Monday. Also made tentative plans for the weekend after and then again the week after that for our anniversary. We've had some heart to heart conversations in the past few weeks, although in hindsight I think I did most of the talking. He has said that he still wants to be married to me and he wants to eventually live together again. I have told him that I believe in our marriage and that I too want to be with him.
Ok, so now the snag. We both agree that living together right now is not possible, logistically (as I'm trying to sell my house) and emotionally (we both need to heal).
In the meantime we "date". The MC has told him that he should "woe" me as if we were truly just dating. He has not. It's almost like he knows I'll just be there so he doesn't even try. I feel like he really doesn't care what I do, where I go, how I feel. I still have the desire to connect with him, ask him about his work, about the weather, whatever. Have a conversation. It always feels strained now.
I'm wondering if I should detach, but that to me feels like game playing. He withdraws and then I withdraw. Stalemate! But then if I call or text I'm persuing.
What should I do? I do want to detach from reacting to his actions. How do I do that with someone that still tells me he loves me?

To detach or not....to persue or distance....not really sure where to go from here.

You want him to woo you, yet you ask if you should chase?


Hmmmmmmm

This one eels obvious to me!

I am really glad your burdens are lighter, keep on keeping on.

Excellent progress.

V

Feels not eels

Or maybe not.

Giggling

V

Eels...yes maybe I need to get zapped into thinking straight.

Got a good chuckle out of that V. Thank you!

My brain tells me to just move on, which I am. Don't really have a choice but to move forward. That is the way life goes.

Then my heart chimes in. Night time and early mornings are the worst for me. That is when I miss him the most. I miss having that other person there with me. Someone that cares. I know I need to figure out how to avoid those triggers. Maybe go for an early walk with the dog. Have breakfast at one of the local diners. Something...anything. It's tough.

Before with break-ups I always had my work to keep me busy, keep me focused, distract me. This time around I am really internalizing, reaching within myself to figure out what my contribution to this failed marriage is. As painful as this is and to me it's the worst break-up so far, I think I'm finally changing and coming into my own. No running away, jumping into another R, self-destructive behaviour. Learning to love myself and taking care of myself.

Just gotta make it over some logistical hurdles to get on with my life.

Ahhhh...another day spent driving to a doctors appointment and sitting and waiting, then a 3 plus hour drive home in Friday rush hour traffic.

This is when it would have been nice to have had a caring husband with me.
I wonder if I can ever truly forgive him for being such a douche bag and let go of the resentment I feel whenever I have to go to appointments, knowing he wasn't there for me then and still is not there for me now. H was sick with strep throat and then a severe allergic reaction to penicillin a couple of months ago and I took him to the hospital and clinic and pharmacy. I was there for him when he needed me. Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly angry I wish for him to be ill and for me to treat him the way he treated me. See how it feels!! But I know I'm not like that and to be honest I don't want to be like that.

Was at the diabetic clinic myself, so fully understand.

V

Spent a couple of days with my H this week. Not feeling very well at all. I'm always on the verge of tears and very emotional. Don't really know why. We talked and my H told me he that now he does not want to be in a marriage, but wants to have a relationship with me. He wants to live alone and be alone and see me a few times a month. I don't think I can do this anymore. I just want to say F*** it and move on with my life. He says he loves me, but just not enough to be in a marriage. But then again he doesn't want to get divorced either. I feel like he is stringing me along. He tells me to move on and find someone that can give me what I need in a relationship, because he can't. I thought women were fickle. He seems to change his mind from week to week. Not really sure where to go from here. I have my things to get done and he has his.