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I had a hard conversation with S7 tonight. I am so worried about how to explain things to him. I notice that he seems to be worried when I have to go to work or something else. I think he is afraid I will not come back like his mom. I tried talking to him about it tonight. And our conversation turned to him thinking his mom is coming back to live here. I am not sure what she is telling him, but the poor boy is getting confused. He thinks OM is kissing his mom because she doesn't feel well. That is what she told S7. When he talks to me about these things, I won't lie. It hurts me inside to see his pain.

Joe

It may be time to stop explaining and just validate with lots of hugs and boy time. Just be and do. Over and over again. "S7, this is very tough being without mom here. I understand." and " I can see it's hard for you when I go out somewhere and to work. Can we do x or y when I get back/ you come home from school. That will give me something to look forward to". "Dad needs a hug right now" and " would you like to help me cook dinner, to prepare the veg?" And "what shall we have tomorrow to eat" and "shall we have a BBQ on Saturday". Look forward and plan stuff that shows you will be around.

I did say hugs, lots of them, big juicy boy hugs with a little rough and tumble.

Let S7 help you with cooking too, creating his own food, learning to chop vegetables etc. These will ground. It will help him feel in control.

Have you thought about redecorating his room? H1 and I used to do this with foster kids, makes their room their own, gives them a sense of longer term. It gives kids choices, colour, posters, etc. He can help. It renews, refreshes and isn't expensive to do. Even if he chooses lime green, let him, take a tester of a few colours and try them out.

V

I think you are right V. I have been validating his feelings alot. We share tons of hugs. I love hugs from my kids. Decorating the room is a great idea.

Checking in!! Thought I would check and let you all know I am still around. I don't have time to be on here much anymore. Work is crazy! Kids have LOTS going on! I am still working on me! I had to get away from the forums for awhile so I can focus on moving forward. Found a good forum about dealing with divorce. It is helping alot. I have been reading a ton!! Found an excellent post where betrayed spouses asked wayward spouses questions about affairs and what thoughts and emotions they had while they betrayed their family and spouse. It was very interesting. Really makes a person think. At one point I felt sorry my STBXW. But not sorry enough to reconcile. I am also seeing a IC. That is helping. Kids are doing well. D12 is doing really good. S7 still struggles some. He is young and misses his mom. I validate his feelings and try to find something fun to do when he gets upset. Other than that, just taking things day by day.

Lawyer is really slow getting the new papers filed. He said he is waiting to get a response from judge so we can amend separation to divorce and change the parenting plan. I wish this would get going a little faster. At least we have the separation papers filed and current parenting plan. I am still dealing with after math of STBXW financial mess. I think the deed in lieu is going through for the house. But now I am seeing collection bills show up that she has ignored. Not good. I would like to get the child support going so I can have a little help with something. She pays for nothing.

Well that is what is going on here. I will keep you all posted .

Hello Everyone!! Checking in with you all again!! I have not been on here in awhile. Kids have been busy with school, extra activities and counseling. I have been working and doing dad things.

Filed papers to change legal separation to divorce this week and amended the parenting plan. STBXW calls the kids every night, which is good. They seem to be doing better. D12 is still unhappy about her mom's lies and the fact that she will not be around to see her in school activities. But she saves her frustration for counseling sessions. S7 gets upset once in awhile about missing his mom, but he is doing MUCH better. He looks forward to his counseling sessions.

I am also doing counseling. It is nice to not bottle everything up. I have been getting in touch with old friends more. That has been nice.

I am so grateful for the help I received on this forum. I did not save my marriage, but I am a success story! I am stronger today. I look at things from a different perspective. I have learned some things for future relationships. I take things day by day. I am sticking to the 2 year rule and not looking to date anyone for a few years. I am making some new friends, which is nice. I think this forum and the knowledge I have gained has given me a better perspective on what I want in a relationship in the future.

Thank You All very much and I will be in touch soon!

Hi Joe,

I just caught up on your story and see that you got a lot of great feedback. It sounds like you have really stepped up and are a wonderful father to your kids, and you are handling the whole situation with such immense grace and dedication. I wish the very best for you and your children. When you eventually start to date again, I can tell from your posts that any woman would be lucky to meet you!

I have a lot of experience with divorced families, and just had a quick comment to some of what you wrote:

If STBX asks you for school info (or other info about the kids), it would be wise to answer - even if it is just to direct her to the website where she can find the answers herself. Not answering at all can put you in hot water with a judge. One of the very important factors they look at for custody decisions (and potential later changes in custody!) is which parent puts effort into facilitating a good relationship between the children and the other parent. Just wanted to give you a head's up.

From what I'm reading about your STBX, she doesn't sound like a good caretaker *at all*, but I wouldn't give her grounds to complain about lack of responsiveness on your part.

Thank You Painter. Good info. STBXW texts S7 teacher on her own and D12 keeps her mom informed on her school. I answer any texts that have to do with the kids, but also don't cover for her. She is still good at not telling the truth to kids and I can tell when things sound fishy. But I try to stay out of it. Kids counselor is very involved with the situation and my attorney is using her judgement on how we proceed. The kids have told counselor about their last visit with their mom and she is very concerned. STBXW employment and living situation is being addressed by my attorney. STBXW will have to change a few things before visitation will be allowed out of state.

HELLO EVERYONE!! Wow, it has been a few months since I have been on here!! I see Sandi and V and some others are still giving great advice!!

I was digging through some stuff the other day and found some things from this site. I remember hearing about how alot of people come and go and no one really hears about what happens to them. So I decided to come back and give an update on my life. So much has happened!!!

To begin, I am now divorced as of yesterday! I am at peace with everything. My kids are doing REALLY good. Still in counseling but we are going once a month now. They are doing great in school. I did get custody of the kids. The judge did sign off on my parenting plan. Ex wife never filed what she was supposed to so the judge took her default.

Step kids are doing good. Step son just had a baby!! I am a grandpa!! Don't hear from oldest stepson much. Both step daughter and younger stepson are still struggling with what their mom has done. I have been there to listen and support them the best I can.

I am now friends with the stepkids dad. Come to find out XW did the same thing to him. He found out she had a boyfriend when her boyfriend came to his house looking for her!! Crazy!!
Stepson and step daughter both said they are just sick of men coming in and out of their lives!!

I am doing well. I am reading alot. Still working on myself. I learned so much from the people here. I think one of the biggest things I learned was patience. I learned to not over react. I learned to listen. I also learned boundaries!! That has been a big one. I believe God stepped in and brought me here to help me!! I can not thank everyone here enough for everything!! Even the 2x4's!!

Hello Joe,

You sound amazing!

Big congrats on becoming a Grandpa and for getting custody of the kids.

Thank you so much for stopping by and letting us know how you are doing. I love the last part of your post. All good stuff!

Regards,
Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

You won't believe this, but I just used you as an example to a newcomer.....and here you are today! It is so good to hear that you and the kids are getting along so well. And, they are blessed to have a great dad in you, Joe.

It so much fun being a grandparent. You'll love it!

I don't know what to tell you about S7. It is so awful what adults to little kids. My GD was younger than him when her parents split and mommy moved her BF in. It was really hard to hear GD repeating all the explanations that mommy had given for daddy leaving and BF replacing him. Sometimes a counselor can help children in these matters. Parents are too attached and it's too hard not to let feelings affect how we try to talk to the kids. Mostly, we don't know what to say. Have you considered contacting his school counselor? Just a thought.